Daily Dose - 030201 - BURLY SHIRLEY, THIS is TRUE, DUMMY AWARDS, DDL, Rotten
News

BURLY SHIRLEY

Burly Shirley, who was an avid boxing fan, decided it was time for some new tattoos, so she
went down to the local ink parlor and told the artist, "I want Mike Tyson tattooed on my inner
left thigh, and I want Muhammad Ali on my inner right thigh. I want only their faces put on,
and if they're not perfect likenesses, I ain't paying for them."

The tattooist completed the job, but afterwards Burly Shirley looked at his work with some
skepticism, remarking that she didn't think the images were right on the money. The tattooist
insisted that they were perfect, and as they were arguing, another customer, a biker, walked
into the parlor.

"Hey, you, come over here and take a look," Burly Shirley said to him, hiking up her skirt. "Do
these tats look like Mike Tyson and Muhammad Ali to you?"

"I don't know about that," said the biker, "but the one in the middle looks exactly like Don
King!"

______________________________

THIS is TRUE.......

NEVER MESS WITH A PROFESSIONAL: Federal Member of Parliament Barry Haase of
Kalgoorlie, Australia, has been "bought" by Mary-Anne Kenworthy, the madam of a legal
brothel, at a Rotary Club "slave for a day" fundraiser for A$1000 (US$550). "One thousand
dollars raised for the aged in homes in Kalgoorlie-Boulder is very satisfying," Haase insists,
adding "I don't think there will be any escort duties" involved in his one-day "slavery".
Kenworthy has much bigger plans for the MP: "I want him to do a tour and meet some of the
working girls," she says -- and do some lobbying for her industry. "I'd probably pay $1000
each for the chance to talk to every politician about the sex industry." (Perth Sunday Times)
...Then she's been beaten at her own game.

********

MMMM! PIE! Prosecutors in Oak Park, Mich., have filed charges against Shuo-Shan Wang,
29, a Taiwanese national, after he castrated an unidentified 48-year-old Alabama man on his
kitchen table. The amateur surgeon "doesn't have a license" to practice medicine, said
Oakland County Deputy Prosecutor Jim Halushka. "He's not equipped to handle a problem
when it arises." Indeed a problem did arise: the patient, who was sitting at the same table
eating a piece of pie after the surgery, started bleeding profusely from his groin when he
burst out laughing. (Detroit Free Press)
...Funny: none of the men reading this are laughing -- but they will when they go back and
see the surgeon's name.

********

SPEED KILLS: Thailand legislator and Budget Committee member Chai Chidchob says the
Thai government could profit from the country's problem with methamphetamine addiction by
selling confiscated drugs to hospitals, both foreign and domestic, for about 10 satang, or
about a quarter of a U.S. cent. "The government would earn a lot of money and stop
borrowing foreign loans," he says. Two weeks later, another Thai government official took the
idea one step further. Attorney General Wichian Wiriyaprasit proposed that the government
manufacture methamphetamines and sell them to addicts, undercutting illegal dealers to put
them out of business. But Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra nixed the idea. Probably. "We
won't be making the speed pills," Thaksin announced, but then added the idea is "still floating
in the air." (Bangkok Post, 3)
...Yes, well, so are the addicts.

********

WISH THIS ONE GOT AWAY: Paul Trabulsy, 41, was fishing in the Atlantic with his 17-year-
old son and a co-worker 20 miles off Ft. Pierce, Fla., when they saw something floating in the
water. "We noticed an ear, and sure enough, there was a head floating from the neck up,"
Trabulsy said. A severed human head. They pulled it aboard, but since it was a rare treat to
go fishing they "just put it in a bag in a bucket. It'd been out there a while -- what's a couple of
hours?" They didn't arrive in Ft. Pierce for about five hours. Meanwhile, "We named him
Bob," Trabulsy notes. (Ft. Pierce Tribune)
...Yeah, and no doubt the rest of his body is on someone's front porch and named Matt.

********

WE TOLD YOU -- IT'S NOT GOING TO COME! "Man Dies After 25 Years in a Bus Shelter"
-- Reuters headline

_________________________________

DUMMY AWARDS

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after
nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance
package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence?

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, California spent two
hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After
firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the
police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist
and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper
proceeded to withdraw money... from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the
money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk
and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just
couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to
repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I
said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING? A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is
pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor
asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King
was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a
thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his
pocket. (hellllllooooooo!)

8. THE GRAND FINALE Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an
hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No
matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. Bayliner to perform. It
wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter
how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a
nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside
check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the outdrive
went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys
jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so
hard.
NOW REMEMBER, THIS IS TRUE! Under the boat, still strapped securely in place........
was the trailer.

___________________________

DDL

On Venus, where love's an addiction,
An orgasm's brought on by friction
Of toes against toes,
Or nose against nose,
And that's what I call science fiction.

_____________________________

"I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very
light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."
--Alicia Silverstone, Actress

*******

When your wife says, "What do you think?" she is not asking for YOUR opinion. She is asking
for HER opinion, from your mouth.

*******

"I have a stepladder. It's a very nice stepladder, but it's sad that I never knew my real ladder."
--Craig Charles

___________________________

Rotten News... (true)

November 20, 2002 - Wireless Flash
Woman Attempts All-`Man-Juice' Diet

SANTA MONICA, Calif. (Wireless Flash) -- A woman in Santa Monica, California, is
attempting to lose weight in a manner others may not be able to stomach -- an all-semen diet.

Starting December 1, a plump porn star named Kim Kelly hopes to lose between 10 and 20
pounds by spending 30 days on a diet consisting largely of semen -- or as she prefers, "man
juice."

It may be hard for you to swallow but Kelly is shooting for at least six square meals a day --
with occasional pigouts.

So far, more than 800 men have offered to help Kelly with her diet and she's currently
screening applicants thoroughly for STDs.

Although nutrition experts agree "man juice" is high in zinc and other nutrients, there's no
officially recommended daily allowance.

Therefore, Kelly says plans to drink plenty of banana smoothies in between her regular meals
because, in her words, "I'm not going to kill myself for this."

**********

A pint of best and be generous with the B1, please landlord

James Meikle, health correspondent
Monday November 18, 2002
The Guardian

Scientists are considering whether brewers should "medicate" their beer to reduce the risk of
alcohol-related brain damage among Britain's heaviest drinkers.

Ministers in Scotland are interested in the idea, which is likely to cause a political storm
across the rest of Britain were they to decide such a scheme was practical, cost-effective and
ethical.

Critics say adding thiamine, or vitamin B1, to alcohol would undermine health messages
about the need for sensible drinking and reinforce complaints about the "nanny state".

The idea has been floated in Australia as a preventative measure against a disease called
Wernicke's encephalopathy. The Scottish executive health department has asked an advisory
group on alcohol-related brain damage to ascertain just how widespread this is.

Alcoholics are at particular risk from it and from Korsakoff's psychosis, a condition that follows
if the encephalopathy is not treated with an injection of thiamine.

Thiamine is found in foods such as cereals, lean meats - especially pork - soybeans, dairy
products, fruit and eggs. Bakers have to add it to bread to make up for its loss during
manufacture. A shortage can cause headaches, anorexia, tiredness, confusion and lack of
balance. Tablets are availableas over-the-counter supplements.

Fortification of beer or other alcohol would be among the most direct measures yet taken
against the alcohol menace blamed for burgeoning healthcare bills and violence, disorder
and employment problems.

Brewers, pubs and drinkers' organisations are likely to oppose the move. Mark Hastings of
the British Beer and Pub Association said adding thiamine could change the taste and style
of beers valued for their natural ingredients: "This particular additive would be designed to
help people who consume far too much alcohol. They are extreme alcoholics. They should be
discouraged from drinking at all."

Mike Benner of Camra, the Campaign for Real Ale, said there was evidence moderate
amounts of alcohol had health benefits: "But this seems to be suggesting that putting
thiamine in beer makes it acceptable to drink six or seven pints and it won't rot your brain."

**********

'Miss Cleo' settles with FTC

Psychic hot line will cancel $500 million in customer bills

ASSOCIATED PRESS

WASHINGTON, Nov. 14 — The operators of Miss Cleo's psychic hot line agreed Thursday to
cancel $500 million in customer bills to settle federal charges that the service fleeced callers
while promising mystical insights into love and money.

($500 MILLION ????)