Daily Dose - 030127 - load of produce, BIZARRE NEWS, Mess Specialists, DDL, Rotten
News

Pa and Ma were taking a load of produce into town to sell. Pa held the reins as the old horse
trotted down the road.

Ma said softly, "Pa, hold my hand."

Pa obliged.

A bit later, Ma says, "Pa, kiss me?" So he kisses her.

A little further along, she says."Pa . . . "

"Damn it. Ma!" snapped Pa. "Get off the cucumbers and sit on the melons!"

______________________________

BIZARRE NEWS......

Bizarre Animal RESCUES

Priscilla the pig of Houston, Texas rescued an 11-year-old boy from drowning. Priscilla
spotted Anthony Melton swimming in Lake Somerville and noticed he was having trouble.
She swam out to him, used her snout to keep his head above water until he could hold on to
her collar, and then dragged him to shore.

Carletta the cow saved her owner, Bruno Cipriano of Tuscany in when she charged at a boar
that was about to attack him and butted it with her horns.

Bracken the Collie saved his owner, Ian Elliot, when he was chopping down trees on his
Canadian farm and a pine tree crashed on to him breaking his back. Bracken lay across him
to maintain his body temperature. When Bracken heard voices in the distance, he ran to the
men and led them back to his injured master.

A school of dolphins saved Adam Maguire when he was surfing near Sydney and was
attacked by a shark. As the shark moved in for the kill it was distracted by a school of
dolphins thrashing around in the water. To prevent the shark reaching Maguire, then dolphins
then swam around him in circles until his friends had managed to rescue him.

**********

Tub O' Pub Suds

BERLIN - People have come up with some pretty interesting ways of enjoying food and drink
other than simply consuming it. From fun with Jell-O Wrestling to removing skunk odors with
tomato baths, people have put their food to good use.

Thanks to a brewery in Germany, a beer has been developed that you can use to wash down
food or wash down your body.

Neuzelle, the Leipzig brewery, says that the dark brown brew has restorative powers for the
mind and body to improve the skin and pep up the spirits.

Contrary to popular belief, "When you get to work, you won't smell like you've just emerged
from the corner bar."

While it is also an enjoyable beverage, brewers advise against drinking the beer once it has
been mixed with bathwater.

Thanks to this innovative brewery, lonely souls can now drown more than their sorrows in
alcohol.

**********

Love Struck Looney

A love struck teenager breached airport security by jumping a fence and taking off down the
runway in an attempt to catch the plane his girlfriend was on.

Apparently he wanted to say goodbye to her and wasn't able to due to the presence of her
parents who didn't approve of the relationship.

The plane was a B737 that carries 12 business and 142 economy class passengers.

Authorities maintained the 19-year-old boy was love struck and posed no threat.

An eyewitness said, "I thought he would get sucked into the engines but security and police
officers stopped him from reaching the plane."

Lucky kid.

_____________________________

The Chaplain had been assigned to the ship and he noticed how much grief the cooks (Mess
Specialists) caught from the crew and how they gave back as much as they got. He talked to
the Food Service Officer and decided to talk to the cooks and get them to be more cheerful
when they served the meals to the sailors coming down the line. A smile and a cheerful
comment, a willingness to serve them will reap great benefits he told them.

After his pep talk the Food Service Officer and the Chaplain stood back and watched the food
being served.

A new sailor aboard walked down the line but he didn't like anything he saw so he just carried
his tray down the line till he got to the desert section. He picked up a saucer containing a
large piece of chocolate cake.

The Mess Specialist looked at him, "Is that all you're gonna eat," he asked.

The sailor said, "Yeah, the rest of it don't look too appetizing."

The Mess Specialist smiled and said, "Well, in that case would you like two pieces of cake?"

The Chaplain smiled and hit the Food Service Officer in the ribs, "I told you my talk did them
some good."

The kid said, "Yeah, man, I'd appreciate it."

The cook leaned over and cut the piece of cake on the tray in half.

______________________________

DDL

A lady named Belle da Cunt Corrigan
Was the mistress of J. Pierpont Morigan,
Till she handed the banker
A hell of a chancre,
And now she is just a plain whore again.

______________________________

"Conservative, (noun) A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from
the liberal, who wishes to replace them with others."
--Ambrose Bierce's DEVIL'S DICTIONARY

***

"It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious
things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either
of them."
-Mark Twain

***

"My father would say things that made no sense at all, like, 'If I were the last person on earth,
some moron would turn left in front of me.'"
-Louie Anderson

____________________________

Rotten News... (true)

December 10, 2002

Nobel Prize for Chemistry 'given to wrong man'
From Richard Lloyd Parry in Tokyo

WHEN Koichi Tanaka said that he did not deserve the Nobel Prize for Chemistry, it was
assumed in Japan that this was a case of false modesty.

A lowly research scientist for a commercial company, without a doctoral degree and unknown
to many in his field, his unfeigned amazement and pleasure at winning the prize made him an
overnight national hero. But it seemed yesterday that Mr Tanaka may have been right after
all.

As he prepared to accept his prize at today's ceremony in Stockholm, an argument raged
among scientists who claim that the Nobel has gone to the wrong man. At least one
distinguished chemist will boycott the banquet, insisting that Mr Tanaka's victory has robbed
German scientists of their rightful glory.

Mr Tanaka is one of three scientists sharing this year's chemistry prize for their work in the
field of biological macromolecules. Using a laser beam in his laboratory at the Shimadzu
Corporation in Kyoto, he developed a means of separating protein molecules to allow them
more easily to be analysed. His discovery is no mere abstract feat: among other applications
it can be used in the identification of cancer cells.

But a group of European scientists has written in protest to the Swedish Academy, claiming
that Mr Tanaka's discovery was a one-off which has been eclipsed by two Germans, Michael
Karas and Franz Hillenkamp. "I believe that what has happened is deeply unfair," Catherine
Costello, professor of biochemistry at Boston University, said.

The dissenters acknowledge that the Germans were two months later than Mr Tanaka in
publishing their results, but insist that their ongoing contributions to the field surpass those of
the Japanese. Professor Peter Roepstorff of Syddansk University in Denmark, said that he
had declined an invitation to today's celebratory banquet. "My conscience does not allow me
to participate in the celebration of a misawarded prize," he said.

No country attaches such importance to winning Nobel prizes as Japan, and Mr Tanaka's
victory, together with that of Masatoshi Koshiba, a Japanese physicist, has created huge
excitement in the media. Half of the 160 journalists covering today's event are from Japan,
and the ceremony's hosts have provided Mr Tanaka with two minders, rather than the
customary one, to keep them at bay.

Japan announced a government plan two years ago to secure 30 Nobel prizes in the first half
of the 21st century and has established a full-time lobbying operation in Stockholm, causing
at least one member of the Nobel Foundation to complain about "ethical problems" after the
offer of a free trip to Tokyo.

********

'I helped create Kylie's bottom'
December 3 2002

Action movie star Jean Claude Van Damme is claiming credit for Kylie Minogue's famous rear
end.

Van Damme, who starred with the Australian pop star in the 1994 flop Streetfighter, says he
taught Minogue special buttock-firming exercises he learned while doing ballet.

The lessons came about after Minogue commented on his buttocks, Van Damme said.

"She mentioned my buttocks because I've shown them in a few movies," Van Damme tells a
documentary, Kylie Entirely, to be shown on British television this weekend.

"She said she thought it looked great and asked how I did it," said Van Damme. "I got my
buttocks so tight I could crack walnuts with them.

"So I showed her some special moves I learnt when I was doing ballet."

The documentary is also expected to recount how Minogue and the late INXS frontman
Michael Hutchence had sex in a plane.

Last Friday, Kylie was crowned the queen of pop at Britain's most prestigious showbiz
awards ceremony in Manchester.

The Australian singer picked up the gong for Top Tour at the Top Of The Pops Awards after
her sell-out Fever tour dazzled crowds around Britain earlier this year.

AAP

*********

Aging costly for wild male flies
Last Updated Wed, 27 Nov 2002 19:11:30

TORONTO - A tiny fly that mates several times for hours on end has allowed researchers to
study the effects of aging in the wild.

Scientists have had trouble figuring out whether insects naturally become less vigorous as
they age or if environmental factors such as disease, predators and accidents kill the
creatures off in the prime of their lives.

Zoologists Russell Bonduriansky and Chad Brassil of the University of Toronto studied 609
male antler flies in Ontario's Algonquin Park. The two-millimetre-long insects breed
exclusively on the discarded antlers of moose and deer.
The researchers found the antler flies (Protopiophila litigata) do appear to fade as they
approach the end of their four-week lifespan.

"When you study flies in the lab, they live for a long time because they don't have any
predators or risks," said Brassil. "Eventually, however, they do start to deteriorate. Now we
have shown that this deterioration also occurs in the wild."

Insects usually cover a lot of ground. But an antler fly lives on a single antler, allowing
Bonduriansky and Brassil to hand-paint ID codes on the insects, release them and track their
movements for 72 days.

As each day passed, the flies were more and more likely to die and the probability of their
mating also declined steadily. The findings may seem obvious, but they suggest a simple
explanation for the body's deterioration with age.

The aging flies could be getting exhausted. The number of times the flies mate decreased
with age, but their sex sessions continued to last for an average of 2.3 hours, the researchers
found.

The study appears in Thursday's issue of the journal Nature.

Written by CBC News