Daily Dose - 030120 - STRANDED, BIZARRE NEWS, FBI'S MOST UNUSUAL DEATHS,
DDL, Rotten News

STRANDED

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The
brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So
she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore."

She swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and
she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The redhead said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the
mainland than stay here and starve."

So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as
she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on,
so she drowned.

So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it,
too."

So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, fifteen miles, and finally nineteen miles from the island.
The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!"

So she swam back.

___________________________

BIZARRE NEWS.....

"Have Sex With Me or Die!"

CROATIA - While some love-seekers will take the traditional route of dining or dancing before
heading into the sack, one Croatian woman decided to cut right to the chase.

Listeners of a Croatian radio show were shocked as they heard the 35-year-old woman,
named Vesna G., threaten to shoot her favorite radio presenter if he did not agree to have
sex with her.

The public was speechless as they heard the woman shout, "Have sex with me or die!" What
many thought was a joke was only too real as the woman held the helpless Josip Portada at
gunpoint.

Bravely, Portada managed to talk the woman out of her demands and called the police.

Apparently, guns and psychotic women are not a turn-on for Mr. Portada.

***********

Vying For The Big Cheese

LINCOLN, Neb. - According to the Chinese zodiac, 2002 is the year of the horse. However, in
Lincoln, Nebraska, it seems the year belongs to the rat.

The Lincoln campus of Nebraska Wesleyan is set to host the return of the Rat Olympics.

Several students have been training hard with their rats for the stiff competition in events like
track, weight lifting and long jump. School psychology Professor Spencer Morrison claims
that training rats provides a great way for students to examine animal behavior.

Unlike the human version of the Olympics, there will be no testing for steroids.

However, should such use be heard of, someone will likely rat them out.

_______________________________

FBI'S MOST UNUSUAL DEATHS

Every year the FBI is asked to investigate over 36,000 Serious Crimes including Suspicious
Deaths and Homicides. Every year the Homicide Investigations Unit puts out its Top 12
Homicides of the year.

1- Alex Mijtus, 36 years old, is killed by his wife, armed with a 20-inch long vibrator. Mrs
Mijtus had enough of her husband's strange sex practices and one night during a prolonged
session of fun she snapped, pushing all 20 inches of the vibrator into Alex's anus until it
ruptured several internal organs and caused severe bleeding. OWWWW!!!!

2- Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the road. She was to
turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her daughter to go to her own birthday party
her wheel chair was hit by the truck delivering her birthday cake.

3- Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8-year-old daughter, who he had just sent to
her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that if she couldn't have dinner no one
should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison tablets into her father's coffee as he
prepared dinner. The victim took one sip and promptly collapsed. Samantha Stone was
given a suspended sentence as the judge felt she didn't realize what she was doing, until she
tried to poison her mother using the same method one month later.

4- David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girlfriend after he attempted to have his way
with her. His unwelcome advance was met with a double-barrelled shotgun. Charla's (the
girlfriends') father had given it to her an hour before the date started, just in case.

5- Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to pay his rent for 8 years.
The landlord, Kirk Weston, clubbed the victim to death with a toilet seat after he realized just
how long it had been since Mr Halos paid his rent.

6- Megan Fry, 44 years old, is killed by 14 state troopers after she wandered onto a live firing,
fake town, simulation. Seeing all the troopers walking slowly down the street Megan Fry had
jumped out in front of them and yelled Boo! The troopers, thinking she was a pop up target,
fired 67 shots between them, over 40 of them hitting the target. She just looked like a very
"real looking" target, one of the troopers stated in his report.

7- Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michael because she talked on the
phone too long, Michael clubbed his sister to death with a cordless phone, then stabbed her
several times with the broken aerial.

8- Helena Simms, wife to the famous American nuclear scientist Harold Simms was killed by
her husband after she had an affair with the neighbour. Over a period of 3 months Harold
substituted Helena's eye shadow with a Uranium composite that was highly radioactive, until
she died of radiation poisoning. Although she suffered many symptoms, including total hair
loss, welts, blindness, extreme nausea and even hadan ear lobe drop off, the victim never
attended a doctor's surgery or hospital for a check up.

9- Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his two-timing wife by loading her car with
Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4). The Ford Taurus she was driving wasfilled with 750
kgs of explosive, forming a force twice as powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing. The
explosion was heard by several persons some up to 14 kilometres away. No trace of the car
or the victim were ever found, only a 55 meter deep crater, and 500m of missing road.

10- Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbour in the early hours of a Sunday
morning. Her neighbour, Falt Hame, for years had a mounted F6 phantom jet engine in his
rear yard. He would fire the jet engine, aimed at an empty block at the back of his property.
Patty Winter would constantly complain to the local sheriff's officers about the noise and the
potential risk of fire. Mr Hame was served with a notice to remove the engine immediately.
Not liking this he invited Miss Winter over for a cup of coffee and a chat about the whole
situation. What Winter didn't know was that he had changed the position of the engine, as
she walked into the yard he activated it, hitting her with a blast of 5,000 degrees, killing her
instantly, and forever burning her outline into the driveway.

11- Michael Lewis, angry with his gay boyfriend, used the movie, Die Hard With a Vengeance
as inspiration. He drugged his boyfriend, Tony Berry, into an almost catatonic state, then
dressed him only in a double-sided white board that read Death to all Niggers! On one side,
and God Loves the KKK on the other. Lewis then drove the victim to downtown Harlem and
dropped him off. Two minutes later Berry was deceased.

12- Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother Brian after a disagreement
over who should take the family home after their parents' passed away. Conrad had a nasal
problem, and had no sense of smell. After the argument Brian stormed out of the house,
then snuck back later, and turned on the 3 gas taps in the house, filling it with gas. He then
left out a box of cigars, a lighter and a note saying, Sorry for the spree, have a puff on me,
Brian. Conrad promptly lit a cigar, destroying the house, and himself in the process.

_____________________________

DDL

A haggard old harlot named Keating
Had taken a terrible beating:
She was stewed, screwed, tattooed,
And buggered and blued,
And her pussy was not fit for eating.

____________________________

"I was scared of the headmaster. He had incredible aim with an eraser. He could sit in front of
the classroom, and if you were just leaning a little bit to the side as if to talk to the person next
to you, he could hit you with an eraser upside your head from, like, 40 feet."
- Actor KEVIN KLINE

***

"I won't say our school was tough, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like:
What I'm going to be if I grow up."
-Lenny Bruce

___________________________

Rotten News... (true)

'Unicorn' bones bought
December 11, 2002

A New Zealand furniture importer bought a box of bones from Indonesia believing they came
from the mythical unicorn, it was reported yesterday.

The agriculture ministry found the bones - a prohibited import under NZ's strict biosecurity
regulations - when it checked two crates stuffed with straw.

Ministry official Howard Hamilton, said the bones - which had apparently been dipped in
concrete to make them look fossilised - were examined by a veterinarian and palaeontologist
from the Auckland Museum who concluded they came from a cow or water buffalo.

The bones were destroyed.

The Daily Telegraph

*******

Man With No Hands, Legs Charged In Beating Death
One Other Person Charged; Body Found In Ditch
Posted: 3:59 p.m. EST December 10, 2002

KNOX, Ind. -- Two men, including one with no hands and legs, have been charged with in the
death of a 44-year-old man whose body was found Saturday in a northern Indiana ditch.

The Starke County prosecutor's office said Friday that 43-year-old Ralph Herron, who uses a
wheelchair, and 40-year-old Ronald Trent, were charged Thursday in the beating death of
Clyde Lovely.

Trent was charged with voluntary manslaughter. Herron was charged with aiding, inducing or
causing voluntary manslaughter.

Trent and Herron were both being held Friday in the Starke County jail with bail set at
$200,000.

Court records said Herron grew irritated with Lovely while the three men were drinking
together.

Police said Herron grabbed Lovely around the neck and placed him in a headlock, punching
the North Judson man in the face several times, while yelling at Trent to hit Lovely.

Police said Trent used Lovely's metal cane to beat him until the cane broke. Trent then
stabbed him several times with the sharp end of the broken cane, according to investigators.

"Eventually," wrote Starke County Sheriff's Detective Ron Lawson, "Trent wrapped Lovely in
plastic and tied a cable around the plastic. Herron did not know if Lovely was dead."

Lawson said that Lovely was placed in the trunk of Trent's car and driven to a bridge in
southern Starke County, about 50 miles south of South Bend, where Lovely was dumped into
the water.

********

Oh, for thong's sake
December 9 2002

North Queensland thong collector Russell Doig believes he has a potential world record
nailed to his back fence.

In just six years, the panel beater from the Ayr district south of Townsville, has gathered
almost 4,000 thongs from his local beach.

Mr Doig believes he has the world's largest collection.

"I want to be in the Guinness Book of Records, that's the main thing I want to do," he said.

Mr Doig, who lives minutes away from Alva Beach, began his hobby when he read about a
man who had collected 600 thongs.

"I go to the beach a fair bit here and see a lot of thongs, and I thought I might try and beat
that," he said.

Mr Doig combs the beach every weekend on one of his two sand buggies, swooping on
washed-up thongs with a special spike.
The thongs are nailed to his increasingly crowded back fence, and the collection recently
spilled over to his neighbour's wall.

Washed-up thongs are common on Queensland beaches, leading to other collections such
as a thong tree at Cowley Beach and a thong pole on Yorke Island.

"I heard that (collections) are starting up in a lot of places, it's catching on all over
Queensland. It's going to be a big thing, I reckon," he said.

The collector supports the theory of a Townsville-based scientist who believes Australia's
beaches have a left-foot bias due to ocean currents.

"I haven't really looked into it, but I reckon there is more left than right, I think there might be a
left foot bias for some reason," he said.

Thongs dominate the footwear that washes up on Australia's north coast, thanks largely to
their popularity in the sweaty tropics.

Mr Doig said he was trying to contact the Guinness Book of Records.

AAP

( I bet you thought they were talking about the other kind of thong, were'nt you? )