Daily Dose - 030118 - THE OLD TEXAN, BIZARRE NEWS, THE $99 CRUISE, DDL, Rotten
News
THE OLD TEXAN
A traveling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest and sees a circus banner reading:
"Don't Miss The Amazing Texan."
Curious, he buys a ticket. The tent goes dark. Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to
the center ring. There, spot lit in the center ring is a table with three walnuts on it. Standing
next to it is an old retired cowboy.
Suddenly the old man unzips his pants, whips out a huge member and smashes all three
walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupts in applause as the elderly Texan is carried off on the shoulders of the
crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees a faded sign for the
same circus and the same: "Don't Miss the Amazing Texan."
He can't believe the old guy is still alive much less still doing his act! So he buys a ticket!
Again, the center ring is illuminated. This time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are placed
on the table. The Texan stands before them, then suddenly unzips his fly and smashes the
coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd goes wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the
show.
"You're incredible," he tells the Texan. "But I have to know something. You're older now, why
switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," says the Texan: "My eyes ain't what they used to be."
___________________________
BIZARRE NEWS .......
Fly Guys
BERLIN, Germany - When the heat is on, some have no choice but to come out of the closet
and expose their true selves.
A German magazine has reported that researchers have found that the fruit fly, or
"drosophilae melanogaster", can show homosexual tendencies when temperatures are
increased above 86 degrees Fahrenheit. During testing, the flies displayed normal
heterosexual behavior when the temperature was below 86. However, once the heat got
turned up, the male flies got turned on to the other males and chased after them.
Knowing that fruit flies are one of the most valuable organisms in biological research,
scientists are willing to accept them for who they are.
*******
Bad Breath Gives Man 25 Years
SANTA BARBARA, Calif. - A criminal in California was caught stealing $11 worth of wine, lip
balm and breath freshener.
His penalty? 25 years to life in prison.
A Superior Court judge sentenced 57-year-old Ronald Herrera to the penalty because this
was his third serious offense. According to the three-strikes-you're-out law in California, a
mandatory 25 years to life sentence is given for a felony committed by someone with two
prior serious crime convictions.
Herrara claims he has a brain injury that made him forget to pay for the items. It sounds like
he's always had a brain injury with his track record of 17 serious felonies including robbery,
rape and shooting a police officer.
But it was the breath freshener that did him in.
********
Bizarre High School Nicknames
Poca Dots (Poca, WS)
Cairo Syrupmakers (Cairo, GA)
Frankfort Hot Dogs (Frankfort, IN)
Brown Scoopers (Sturgis, SD)
Cobden Appleknockers (Cobden, IL)
Devil's Lake Satans (Devil's Lake, ND)
Speedway Sparkplugs (Speedway, IN)
Mesquite Skeeters (Mesquite, TX)
Maryville Spoofhounds (Maryville, MO)
Teutopolis Wooden Shoes (Teutopolis, IL)
Dunn Earwigs (Dunn, CA)
West Plaines Zizzers (West Plaines, MO)
Yuma Criminals (Yuma, AZ)
Pleasant Hill Billies (Pleasant Hill, OR)
Freeport Pretzels (Freeport, IL)
*********
"Earie" Addiction
BIKANER, India - Cigarette smoking can bring major damage to the mouth, throat, lungs and
heart. But has there ever been a case where a person's ears were harmed?
An Indian man has reportedly become famous for his ability to chainsmoke through his ears.
Dharmendra Singh has been seen smoking up to 20 cigarettes in a row through his ears. He
says, "Since childhood I wanted to do something different and new. For the past one or one-
and-a-half years I have tried to smoke through my ears."
His talents also include the ability to whistle through his nose. Tricks with other body cavities
were undisclosed.
**********
Naked Truth Exposed
HARARE, Zimbabwe - It's a crying shame what some men will do to get a woman to take her
clothes off.
A traditional healer in Zimbabwe is on trial after telling a woman that she would gain her entry
into Britain if she paraded naked around him in a spiriutalistic ritual.
After she paid him the Z$23,000 fee, he ordered the woman to strip naked and walk around
him while he sprinkled her with water to cleanse evil spirits. The healer is being tried on
criminal injury charges for allegedly coercing the woman to go through the humiliating ordeal.
After exposing herself, the woman was able to expose the healer for the fraud that he is.
_________________________
THE $99 CRUISE
A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window,
"Cruise Special -- $99!".
She goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special,
please."
The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, then drags
her out the back door and downhill to the river, where he pushes her in and sends her
floating.
A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays her money
on the counter, and asks for the $99 special.
She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river.
Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde.
They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments
on this cruise?
The second blonde replies, " They didn't last year."
________________________
DDL
There was a bulldog named Caesar,
Saw a cat and decided to tease 'er,
But she scratched and she spit,
Till the big bulldog quit,
Now Caesar just sees 'er and flees 'er!.
________________________
"Sometimes people ask me: 'Dave, what is the essence of parenthood?' I always answer:
'Lowering your standards.'"
--Dave Barry
***
"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"All right Woody, but stop me at one...make that one-thirty."
***
Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"
___________________________
Rotten News... (true)
VICAR IN `SANTA'S SLAIN' GAFFE
By Ginny Sandringham
A BLUNDERING vicar left young children devastated when he told them that Father
Christmas couldn't possibly exist because his work rota would kill him.
His reindeer wouldn't fare any better, he said, because they would be instantly vaporised
flying at 3,000 times the speed of sound trying to deliver 378million presents to 91.8million
homes.
But the Rev Lee Rayfield's cold-hearted logic destroyed the dreams of many children at a
carol concert, including TV star Ulrika Jonsson's eight- year-old son Cameron. Yesterday,
Ulrika, 35, said: "I was horrified. Cameron still believes in Father Christmas but anything
could tip the scales. I have told him just because the vicar doesn't believe in Father
Christmas, it doesn't mean he can't."
Ulrika added: "It was uncharitable, unchristian, totally pious and incredulous of the reverend
to do this." Cameron is a pupil at St Piran's private school in Maidenhead, Berks which held
its carol concert in the local St Mary's Church.
Mr Rayfield, who is vicar of nearby St Peter's Church, took the service .
Sue Smee, who was at the service with her sons, aged five and nine, said: "Children are not
children for very long and it is not Mr Rayfield's job to tell them things like this."
Yesterday, Mr Rayfield admitted he had made a mistake.
He said the story was meant to be fun, but added: "I made a serious misjudgment."
********
UK cow pickling artist sends painting to Mars
November 29 2002 at 07:24AM
London - British Damien Hirst, famed for pickling dead animals in formaldehyde, is hoping to
boldly go where no artist has gone before after unveiling a tiny painting to be carried to Mars.
The spot painting, which doubles as an instrument calibration chart, will be carried on the
Beagle 2 spacecraft, which is scheduled to fly to Mars by December 2003.
"The spot painting lends itself to this project, and as an artist you want all the things that you
make to be useful on some level," Hirst told The Daily Telegraph after unveiling the painting
at London's White Cube Gallery.
"It had to have as little weight as possible, so there are no dead cows strapped to the back of
it," Hirst said.
One of Hirst's most famous exhibits was a whole cow and its dead calf foetus pickled in a
glass and steel tank of formaldehyde.
*********
Sterling Wal-Mart Resells Donated Toys
National Headquarters Donates Toys To Make Up
UPDATED: 5:18 p.m. MST December 5, 2002
STERLING, Colo. -- Toys that had been placed in a drop-off box for charity at a Wal-Mart
store were put back on the store's shelves after a mix-up that frustrated organizers.
With 10 days left until the end of the annual Toys for Tots drive for the Logan County
Chamber of Commerce, organizer Susan Kraich said she was back at square one.
"I've been keeping an eye on that box every time I went to Wal-Mart, and was so excited as it
slowly began to fill. Over the weekend I heard that it was nearly full, so I went to pick it up. I
was devastated when I found it empty," Kraich said.
Kraich said she complained to store management, but was told the store would only replace
the items she knew for a fact were in the box. She left the store after replacing only three toys
that she had purchased and donated to the cause.
"I don't know how I am suppose to prove what was in there ... I thought since Wal-Mart
agreed to place the box, they were agreeing to keep an eye on it," she said.
Wal-Mart manager Brad Barritt said the Toys for Tots organizer he met, whose name he
could not remember, was instructed that donated items needed to be wrapped in Wal-Mart
bags to ensure the items had been purchased.
Kraich denied ever receiving any such instruction.
"There was everything in that box -- clothing, sporting goods, food items. My understanding
was that the box would be emptied regularly. We had no way of knowing whether or not
those items had been paid for," Barritt said.
He said the box was not visible from the store's security cameras, so there was no video
proof that the toys were purchased.
As a result, he decided to place all of the items in the box back on store shelves to be resold.
By late Wednesday, telephone lines were buzzing between Wal-Mart, its Arkansas corporate
headquarters and the local charity.
Before the day was out, $425 worth of toys were delivered to the Sterling office of First
America Cash Advance, where Kraich works.