Daily Dose - 030115 - accordion player, THIS is TRUE, Abbreviated Insults, DDL, Rotten
News

There is a accordion player driving home from a late night gig. Feeling tired, he pulls into a
local store for some coffee.

While waiting to pay, he remembers that he locked his car doors but left the accordion in
plain view on the back seat of his car!

He rushes out only to realize that he is too late.

The back window of his car was smashed and somebody had already thrown in two more
accordions.

___________________________

THIS is TRUE.....

DRAGNET: Tom Van Lokeren, 47, knew who had stolen two of his credit cards, but police in
San Francisco, Calif., refused to arrest the suspect. So Van Lokeren bought a fishing net at
Fisherman's Wharf, plus a can of pepper spray and a stun gun at a military surplus store, and
arrested the suspect himself. "I ran up after him, and I stunned him on the shoulder, then I
used the pepper spray. [But] in all the ruckus, I ended up dropping the net. I never used it."
The police finally took it from there, booking James Timothy Stevens, 21, on two counts of
theft. Officers are too busy with emergencies to deal with "property crimes," said Police Capt.
James L. Dudley, explaining the department's initial refusal to help. "It's not a life-threatening
situation." Police, he added, "certainly don't encourage the public to make their own arrest.
That's our job." (San Francisco Chronicle)
...The sad thing is, he doesn't even notice any irony in there.

*******

AIRLINE INSECURITY: A week after a pilot and a co-pilot for America West Airlines were
arrested for trying to fly an airliner drunk, a passenger boarding an America West flight from
San Francisco, Calif., to Tucson, Ariz., asked flight attendants if they had "checked the crew
for sobriety." The attendants took immediate action: they threw her off the plane. "Safety is no
joking matter," explained America West spokeswoman Patty Nowack. "While this passenger
may have been joking it is difficult to determine if someone is joking or serious. We take any
comment regarding safety seriously." (Reuters)
...Passenger warning: Anyone who considers a serious, rational question a "joking threat to
safety" may be drunk.

*******

DRINKING, NOT THINKING: Craig Anthony Gribben, 27, was trying to get into his car, but
the key broke off in the lock. He asked the police in Tauranga, New Zealand, for help. The
officer was a tad suspicious when he noticed Gribben wasn't wearing any pants. A check of
the car Gribben was trying to get into revealed it wasn't his -- it belonged to a local police
officer. He was arrested. Gribben's lawyer later explained that his client was simply "very
drunk" and thought the car was his. (Hawke's Bay Today)
...It could have been worse: if it was his car the cops would have gotten him for drunk driving.

*******

DRINKING, NOT THINKING III: Sheriff's deputies in Gainesville, Fla., responded to a car
alarm after a 911 caller said there was a man locked inside the car trying to kick his way out
through a window. Deputies arrived to find David Christopher Lander, 51, "trying to hide, all
scrunched down in the back seat," a sheriff's spokesman said. The car's alarm system
automatically locked the doors when it was activated. "I guess he thought deputies couldn't
see him. Had he pushed the button on the driver's side door, he could have gotten out."
Witnesses said Lander reeked of alcohol. He was arrested and charged with burglary and,
since some of the car's contents were in his pockets, theft. (Gainesville Sun)
...Look at that! The first time a cop ever responded to a car alarm, and he got a collar!

********

DRIVEN: "Cops: Man Steals Car to Get to [Car] Theft Hearing"
-- Jersey City Journal headline

_____________________________

Abbreviated Insults - for use in text messages on mobile phones or chat rooms

GOPlAinTraFk
- Go play in traffic

UvGotAFAcLikASqEzdTBag
- You've got a face like a squeezed tea-bag

IfUHdABrAnUdBDAjrus
- If you had a brain you'd be dangerous

IfUWnt2AMndREdrTherWldBNoChrge
- If you went to a mind reader there would be no charge

INoWenURLIinYaLpsMov
- I know when you are lying, Your lips move

TLItsROnBtNo1isHOm
- The lights are on, but no one is home

URAsMchUsAsMdGrdsOnATortus
- You are as much use as mud guards on a tortoise

TWhElsMvnBtTHmstrsDEd
- The Wheel's moving but the hamster's dead

URAsUsfLAsAChocl8Tpot
- You are as much use as a chocolate teapot

UR1SndwchShrtOfAPiKnk
- You are one sandwich short of a picnic

:-(YaBrAnIsntAsBgAsYa(_,_)
- A pity your brain isn't as big as your bottom

_____________________________

DDL

A student of East Bainbridge Hall,
Had an organ exceedingly small.
He buggered a bug,
On the edge of a rug,
But the bug didn't feel it at all.

_____________________________

"I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves."
--Ludwig Wittgenstein (1889-1951)

***

"Deliberation, n. The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on."
--Ambrose Bierce's DEVIL'S DICTIONARY

****

"Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example."
--Mark Twain

________________________________

Rotten News... (true)

The pair bedroom

By STEWART WHITTINGHAM

A SCULPTOR has built this amazing house in the shape of a woman's naked body — and
sleeps behind one of her BOOBS.

Madcap Armando Munoz Garcia put the bathroom in her bottom and the living room in her
tummy.

The 48-year-old started building the shapely property 12 years ago — and in that time it has
become a huge hit with locals.

Its living room, complete with TV, has a hot tub with a mermaid carved on the floor and is
decorated with Armando's paintings.

The three-storey building stands at the corner of a street on a hillside in Rosarito, Mexico.

Armando, who shares the house with girlfriend Isabel Magana, said he built the magnificent
home because he loves sex. Asked why he slept behind the right breast, he said: "Maybe
because I like them."

The house, which even has a swimming pool around the waist and a patio, will be finished
when Armando completes the head.

He plans to give the woman long curly hair. The house, which has a staircase between each
floor, is the SECOND naked woman home constructed by Armando.

His first was a 50ft building in the Mexican border town of Tijuana — but it has since fallen
into disrepair.

Cuddling up to Isabel, Armando said yesterday: "What more can a man ask for?"

Should the artist ever decide to sell his pad, he could advertise it as a desirable residence
with plenty of charms, a stunning view — and all the bare essentials.

*******

Elephant-dung art: hot new movement brewing

[Bangkok, September 23] - The latest work of a veteran Thai artist is a load of scatological
matter. Mounds of elephant dung, in fact.

A compulsive innovator, 74-year-old Boonthueng Ridthikert recently exhibited about 100
landscapes painted with artificially coloured elephant dung.

He painted the words on a special canvas made from - what else - elephant dung. "It's a very
easy medium to work with. It sticks easily on the paper and has a nice texture," Boonthueng
said in an interview at a gallery that showed his paintings of Thai and American countryside.
Boonthueng, having spent several years in the United States, saw similarities in the
landscapes of the two countries and produced the exhibition titled Inspiration from Thailand to
USA.

Boonthueng's favourite is the captivating Reed Tree with its swaying rushes drooping over
water lilies and red flowers on the shore of the Khoe Juk lake in north-eastern Thailand.
Viewed from 3m, it appears to be an oil painting. A closer look reveals the relief formed by
the thick dung paint plastered over the canvas. Boonthueng is not the first painter using
elephant dung, but his work did not cause the fuss that a dung-dotted Virgin Mary portrait by
Nigerian-born Chris Ofili did at a New York museum in 1999. The painting so incensed
Rudolph Giuliani, then the mayor, that he cut a $7,2-million city subsidy to the museum; a
judge later restored it.

In Thailand, art critics have been generous in their praise of Boonthueng's work. "I am kind of
intrigued by how he uses elephant dung as a medium," said Cheng Zu, a leading Bangkok-
based critic. "Is it gimmicky or kitschy? There is no right or wrong when an artist uses
different kind of strategies to create attention for himself or his art," said Cheng.

Boonthueng says the idea of using elephant dung as a medium came to him during the 1997
Asian economic crisis, when he found imported materials unaffordable. One day while driving
in the beach city of Pattaya he had to slow down behind an ambling elephant. "I saw the
elephant drop a load of dung. Boom! Something flashed in my mind," said Boonthueng. He
bought a sack, scooped up the dung and rushed home. He bought three more sacks of dung
from an elephant stable and set about experimenting, overruling his family's protests about
the unpleasant odour.

Initially, he made drawing paper of the dung, but it wasn't much use as watercolours would
spread and oil colours wouldn't stick. So he decided to fight fire with fire, and made dung
paint. The dung was soaked in water for two days with chlorine to bleach it, purify it and
remove the odour. Then he mixed portions of paste with different natural dyes made from
crushed rocks and coloured mud to create different colours. To make paper, the paste is
mixed with tapioca skin and banana leaves, which gives it form. The paste is then flattened
over a wooden frame. Upon drying, a sheet is peeled off.

[Sapa-AP]

********

Mile high club bonk to bits

Romper room ... passengers used baby changing rooms on Virgin Airbus for romps

By PAUL CROSBIE

VIRGIN'S latest airliner is being revamped after randy passengers discovered a tiny cabin
was just the place to join the Mile High Club.

The £130million Airbus 340-600 is fitted with a 5ft x 4ft mother and baby room with a plastic
table meant for changing nappies.

But couples keep wrecking it by sneaking in for a quick bonk.

Virgin has replaced the table several times even though the plane only came into service a
few weeks ago.

It is named Claudia Nine after sexy model Claudia Schiffer, 32, who launched it in July.

Now Virgin bosses have asked Airbus to build a stronger table.

At first, German engineers responsible for the jet's interior were baffled by the problem.

The table is designed to take the weight of a mum and baby.

One Airbus worker said: "We couldn't work it out. Then the penny dropped. It didn't occur to
the Germans that this might happen. It caused great amusement."

The firm say the cost of strengthening the tables will be about £200.

A Virgin spokeswoman said: "Those determined to join the Mile High Club will do so despite
the lack of comforts.

"We don't mind couples having a good time but this is not something that we would
encourage because of air regulations."

The new Airbus is the world's longest airliner, with teasing slogan "Mine is bigger than yours".
Virgin is using it on flights to the Far East and the US.