Daily Dose - 030114 - BUTCHER DANCE, BIZARRE NEWS, Breast fed, DDL, Rotten News

BUTCHER DANCE - OLDIE BUT GOODY

A guy has spent five years traveling all around the world making a documentary on Native
dances. At the end of this time, he has every single native dance of every indigenous culture
in the world on film. He winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a
well earned beer. He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about his
project.

The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the "Butcher Dance."

The guy's a bit confused and says, "Butcher Dance? What's that?"

"What? You no see Butcher Dance?"

"No, I've never heard of it."

"Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no see Butcher
Dance?"

"Umm. I got a corroborate on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?"

"No no, not corroborate. Butcher Dance much more important than corroborate."

"Oh, well, how can I see this Butcher Dance then?"

"Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher Dance."

"Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the
frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this
one last dance."

"OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you
see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for 126 miles 'till you see big huge dead gum
tree - biggest tree you ever see. Here you gotta leave the car, because much too rough for
driving. You strike out due west into setting sun. You walk 3 days 'till you hit creek. You
follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where creek flows out of rocky
mountains. Much too difficult to cross mountains here though. You now head south for half
day 'till you see pass through mountains. Pass very difficult and very dangerous. Take 2,
maybe 3 days to get through rocky pass. When through, head northwest for 4 days 'till reach
big huge rock - 20 ft high and shaped like man's head. From rock, walk due west for 2 days
and you find village. Here you see Butcher Dance."

So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a couple of hours he
finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking state and he's forced to crawl along at a snails
pace and so he doesn't reach the tree until dusk and he's forced to set up camp for the night.

He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high and he's excited about
the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance which he had never heard mention of
before.

True to the directions he has been given, he reaches the creek after three days and follows it
for another two until they reach the rocky mountains. The merciless sun is starting to take its
toll by this time and his spirits are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until he finds the
pass through the hills - nothing will prevent him from completing his life's dream.

The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their guide said and at times they
almost despair of getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of
back breaking effort they finally force their way clear and continue their long trek.

When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running low and their feet are
covered with blisters. Yet they steel themselves and head out on the last leg of their journey.

Two days later they virtually stagger into the village where the natives feed them and give
them fresh water. They begin to feel like new men.

Once he's recovered enough, the guy goes before the village chief and tells him that he has
come to film there Butcher Dance.

"Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You miss
dance."

"Well, when do you hold the next dance?"

"Not 'till next year."

"Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me, tonight?"

"No, no, no! Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If hold more, gods get very
angry and destroy village! You want see Butcher Dance you come back next year."

The guy is devastated, but he has no other option but to head back to civilization and back
home.

The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, sets
out a week earlier than last time. He is quite willing to spend a week in the village before the
dance is performed in order to ensure he is present to witness it. However, right from the
start things go wrong.

Heavy rains that year have turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged every few
miles, finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost
half the distance to the tree.

They reach the creek and the mountains without any further hitch, but halfway through the
ascent of the mountain they are struck by a fierce storm which rages for several days, during
which they are forced to cling to the mountainside until it subsides. It would be suicide to
attempt to scale the treacherous paths in the face of such savage elements.

Then, before they have traveled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprains his
ankle badly which slows down the rest of their journey enormously, to the rock and then the
village.

Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they have been traveling, they stagger into the
village at about 12:00 noon.

"The Butcher Dance!" gasps the guy. "Please don't tell me I'm too late!"

The chief recognizes him and says "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You
come just in time."

Relieved beyond measure, the crew spends the rest of the afternoon setting up their
equipment - preparing to capture the night's ritual on celluloid as dusk falls, the natives start
to cover there bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of bird's feathers and
animal skins.

Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives form a circle around a huge roaring
fire. A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure
with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body enters the circle and begins to chant.
Some sort of witch doctor or medicine man, figures the guy and he whispers to the chief,
"What's he doing?"

"Hush," whispers the chief. You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must
remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dream world watch as we
demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be
so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year."

The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he moves himself from
the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of drums booms out across the land and
the natives begin to sway to the stirring rhythm.

The guy is becoming caught up in the fervor of the moment himself. This is it. He now
realizes beyond all doubt that his wait has not been in vain. He is about to witness the
ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind.

The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing, He
says, "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in
and you shake it all about..."

___________________________

BIZARRE NEWS......

Burlap Burglar Gets Bagged

BERLIN, Germany - It can be quite difficult to rob a bank, as well as performing many other
tasks, without being able to see.

The criminal who is now deemed "Germany's dumbest criminal" walked into a bank armed
with a plastic knife and a toy pistol.

The kicker was the burlap bag he put over his head to disguise himself. Seeing as how the
plan probably wouldn't have worked in the first place, the attempted robber forgot to put holes
in the bag for him to see.

After bumping into bank customers on his way to the teller, he lifted up the front of his mask
to look at the teller and demand money. The security camera got a clear shot of his face and
he was soon arrested.

It's no surprise that the man didn't see this coming in his plans.

********

Father Shackles Daughter

SANTA FE - Ronnie Eugene Robbins, 33, said he shackled his daughter's ankles because a
judge threatened him and his wife with arrest if they failed to prevent the girl's chronic
runaway and truancy problems.

He is now facing criminal charges of injury to a child and endangering a child.

The man was reported to police after a witness reported seeing the girl in ankle chains at a
local convenience store with her father.

According to Robbins, this was only the second time his daughter, Heaven Robbins, had
actually been restrained by the shackles. He also said his daughter chose ankle chains over
having her wrist tethered to his wrist with a nylon strap.

*********

Bizarre Discoveries

Jacques-Yves Cousteau invented the aqaulung while fighting underground with the French
during WWII. Today, the aqualung (AKA SCUBA) lets divers breathe underwater.

German chemist Hennig Brand discovered phosphorus while he was examining urine. He
was looking for the philosopher's stone (the magic elixir needed to change baser metals into
gold).

Windmills were probably unknown in Europe until the twelfth century when returning
Crusaders brought knowledge of them back. After that, they became familiar landmarks in
Holland, England, France and Germany.

Before the Vikings discovered Iceland the Irish did. In 795 A.D. Irish explorers established a
colony, but it didn't last. When the Vikings arrived 80 years later the Irish were gone.

*********

Nothing Funny About Toilet Humor

STOCKHOLM - An international hamburger chain in western Sweden made one customer
lose his appetite.

As the man entered the men's room of the restaurant, he noticed that all the toilet seats were
missing. As he asked the staff where they had disappeared to, an employee took them out of
the dishwasher where they were being cleaned along side numerous trays and kitchen
utensils.

Trying to comfort the disgusted customer, the employee assured him that a freshly washed
toilet seat would be warm and pleasant to sit on.

After alarming the city's environmental and health inspector, the restaurant decided to flush
that idea.

**********

How Rude

LONDON, England - Don't you just hate it when people completely ignore what you're
saying?

Such was the case when two British mental health workers visited a woman with paranoid
schizophrenia in her London home. The workers approached Patricia Harris as she sat in her
kitchen with the curtains drawn and her back to them.

The workers tried to talk to the 43-year-old mental patient, but she wouldn't answer them. The
workers then left, claiming, "She didn't seem to want us there."

The next day, two other health workers on a follow-up visit discovered that Harris was dead.

***********

Oops!

A High Court judge in England says it was the Leeds General Infirmary that mixed up fertility
treatments resulting in a white woman with a white husband giving birth to black twins.

The British Broadcasting Corp. says genetic tests show the woman was the biological mother
of the twins, but she was impregnated with the wrong sperm.

The BBC reports that experts say such a mixup is very rare -- never more than a couple of
times a year out of thousands of fertilization procedures.

The black couple involved still is trying to have a child, but there will be a hearing to establish
legal parentage of the twins.

_________________________________

A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office. She was to go into a room and wait for
the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor examined the baby and asked the woman, "Is he
breast fed or on the bottle?"

"Breast fed", she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. she did.

He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is hungry, You don't have any
milk."

"Naturally", she said, "I'm his Grandma. But I'm glad I came".

__________________________

DDL

Instead of a gain, there's a loss,
When my ethnic identities cross:
It's rather embarrassin',
To be Franco-American,
When you're not a spaghetti sauce!

___________________________

"Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have
for dinner."
--James Bovard (1994)

***

"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a
bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
--Winston Churchill

***

"A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay
off with your money."
--G. Gordon Liddy

______________________________

Rotten News.... (true)

Sexy robbers 'squeeze' Filipino man for cash

December 10 2002 at 08:47AM

Manila - A Filipino mechanic lost his Christmas bonus of about 17 000 pesos (about R3 000)
to four sexy robbers who "squeezed" the money out of him, police said on Tuesday.

Police officer Rodolfo Tagala said the victim, 47-year-old Armando Quirante, was walking
along a street in Manila's suburban city of Pasay when four attractive women approached
him.

"One of the suspects squeezed the victim's testicles, causing him to wince in pain," he said.
"Another suspect picked his wallet from his back pocket."

Tagala said two other suspects served as lookout.

Two of the suspects were arrested a few hours after the incident, but failed to recover the
loot. Police were still hunting down the suspects' two other accomplices. - Sapa-DP

*********

Sex toys replace Tupperware

Times have changed and Norwegian women seem fully liberated - how else to explain the
success of the 'Condomery' (Kondomeriet), a "girl"-run business that has expanded
operations to include home parties.

The Condomery is now fully run by women, which they feel might give them an edge in the
male-dominated sex industry - since they have a better sense of how to keep a presentation
of merchandise on the tasteful side of the slippery line towards vulgarity.

The Condomery stocks more than an inventive range of male contraceptives, also offering
oils, creams, sexy underwear and a range of toys and aids for men and women.

The concept has steadily grown in popularity in Norway, and as the average browser
becomes more comfortable with the store's range, the girls behind the business have taken
their shop on the road and into private homes.

The new home party is really just the evolution of the classic Tupperware evening.

"Many of us have had home demos of everything from make-up to plastic bowls. The
principle is the same, but the products our consultants bring home to you are maybe a bit
more exciting?" says Therese Warner, who heads the company's home party project.

Warner says that the atmosphere at these get-togethers is often giddy as a variety of toys,
lubricants, and other fun items are passed around for the participants to examine.

Warner explains that they have used their 13 years of experience in the business to train
consultants to make their presentations serious and educational, while at the same time
positive and entertaining.

"Our 65 consultants have long waiting lists, with women of all ages who want to shop for sex
toys in their living rooms," Warner said.

Since the service started in August this year turnover has increased by a factor of ten, and
Warner expects to have 200 consultants ready to visit homes across the country in 2003.

*********

Crime pays when money grows on trees

December 05 2002 at 06:22AM

Norway - A Christmas tree decorated with banknotes worth about R18 000 has been stripped
by thieves at Oslo's main railway station, police said on Wednesday.

Magne Furuholmen, of Norwegian pop group A-ha, had decorated the tree with flowers and
stars made out of banknotes. The two-metre-high tree was then placed near the station, a
popular hang-out for heroin addicts.

Furuholmen, who gained world fame with the A-ha song Take On Me and is also an artist,
used 50, 100, 200 and 500 crown notes as decorations to symbolise the commercialisation of
Christmas. He also hung up chains made of five crown coins.

He shrugged off the widely-predicted theft. "There was a distinct possibility that this was
going to happen," Furuholmen said on public radio.

'I see it more that a person has completed the work and taken an incredibly good payment'

When asked if he would request the police to track the thieves, he said: "I don't see it in that
way. I see it more that a person has completed the work and taken an incredibly good
payment."

Police said that railway staff had reported the theft on Wednesday.

Furuholmen was paid by Norway's state railways to decorate the tree, but decided to use his
artist's fee to create the decorations themselves.

The station is guarded by security cameras, but they do not catch everything as they turn
constantly.