Daily Dose - 030112 - Dear Abby, BIZARRE NEWS, pee-peed in the yard, DDL, Rotten
News

Dear Abby,

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month.

My fiancée's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is
putting the entire wedding
together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit
beyond what we had expected
it to be.

When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ...
then she floored me. She said
that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have
sex with me. Then she just stood
up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I
wanted to leave.

I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with
this situation. I headed
straight out the front door...

There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He
explained that they just wanted to
be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he
congratulated me on passing their
little test.

Abby, should I tell my fiancée what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was
asinine and insulting to my
character? Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was
walking out to my car was to
get a condom?

_____________________________

BIZARRE NEWS....

Bizarre Facts

The Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie
the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's A Wonderful Life."

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30
feet.

The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar
melted in his pocket.

The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

*********

Swing Away

BERLIN, Germany - The top court of Germany has finally put its foot down on the concept of
wife-swapping in the conservative southern state of Bavaria.

They've ruled that "swinger clubs,"social meeting places where couples meet other couples
and swap partners, are not immoral.

The decision marks a huge victory for one Bavarian man who has been fighting to keep the
swinging ideal alive for several years. "This is very positive for all German swingers," said
Volker Erhardt, owner of Club Carat in Wuerzburg.

With the law behind them now, German swingers can now sleep easy... with someone else's
wife.

*********

Udder or Mother?

INDIA - While public breast feeding is generally frowned upon in today's society, hundreds of
people are rushing to a village in eastern India to watch one particular nursing take place.

They flock to watch a thirteen-month-old infant suckle, not from its mother, but from a
neighbor's cow.

The infant refuses to take milk from its mother and instead crawls next door where it feeds
from the udder of a cow. As cows are deemed sacred by Hindus, which make up 85 percent
of India's population, scores of worshippers are queuing up to worship the child and the cow.

The child is getting a head start on going out to pick up some milk.

_________________________________

It seems that Laura came home from Nursery School one day and announced that Kevin had
pee-peed in the yard.

Since Laura was one of the older children in the Nursery School group, her parents wanted to
impress on her that she should
try to help the younger children learn right from wrong, so they said "Well, Laura honey, how
big is Kevin?"

Whereupon Laura held her two index fingers an inch or so apart and said "Oh, about this
big."

_________________________________

DDL

There was a young man of King's Cross,
Who amused himself frigging a horse.
Then, licking the spend,
Which still dripped from the end,
Said, 'It tastes just like anchovy sauce.'

__________________________________

"Here at First National, you're not just a number - you're two numbers, a dash, three more
numbers, another dash, and
another number."
--Unknown

***

"Camping isn't what it used to be. 'Honey, I'm going to go get some firewood, do you have
change for a twenty?'"
- Nick Arnette

***

A teen-aged boy with spiked hair, nose ring and baggy clothes was overheard telling a friend,
"I don't really like to dress
like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere with them."

________________________________

Rotten News... (true)

Man dies while inspecting his own grave

September 03 2002 at 02:12PM

Palermo - A 63-year-old pensioner in Sicily has died while inspecting his own grave, local
newspapers reported on Tuesday.

According to reports, Giovanni Vittorio Greco visited his local cemetery at the weekend to
check how the construction of his
family grave was getting on.

Police said the man probably slipped on some steps and banged his head on a slate of
marble and died instantly.

Exactly one year ago, another Sicilian died after falling into an empty grave in a Palermo
cemetery.

Marcello Petrola, 31, intended bringing some flowers to the tomb of a deceased relative when
he was forced to dodge an
approaching car.

He put a foot on a marble tombstone, which broke in half and dropped him into the six metre-
deep grave which swallowed him
up. - Sapa-DPA

********

Talk Dirty to Me

Things overheard at the STD clinic

by Paul Demko

The quotes below are complaints reported by clients of Room 111, a public health clinic in St.
Paul that treats people for
sexually transmitted diseases. Nurses at the clinic began creating the list two decades ago; it
now includes several hundred
comments.

"I have reason to believe my penis was exposed to LSD. When I ejaculate I have flashbacks."

"My hair is falling out and the sun hurts my crotch."

"I went to a party, had a few beers, woke up in a closet later on and my face stunk and my
dick hurt."

"My last period looked like meat."

"My balls feel soft and mushy."

"I be messin' with these nasty women from Minnesota and they don't tell you they got
something unless they mad at you."

"How am I supposed to do lap dances smelling like a dead fish?"

"I got the dripper."

"I have food chunks in my urine."

"Had sex with my daughter's fiancé and then douched with Lysol--feelin' a little raw down
there."

"Scabs on my butt and I'm losing my mind."

"I'm releasing semen when I take a crap."

"I was poked in the rectum with the infected finger of a 70-year-old homosexual man."

"I live at the VA and my roommate has his girlfriend from Minneapolis over. They throw ticks
at me that bite my neck and
when I pop the sores, they smell like vagina juice."

"Can't you put the swab in further?"

"I had sex with my baby's momma, sex with my other baby's momma and my other new
baby's momma has disease."

"Last time I had sex I passed something that looked like Cream of Wheat before it's cooked."

"My cervix hurts when I jiggle."

"The seam in my circumcision split open."

"I be messin' with my ex-wife and my girlfriend and I don't trust either of them."

"My whole body smells like a menstruating woman, especially my armpits."

"From the looks of my penis, I believe they are sucking the adrenaline out of me."

"I think they hypnotized me and put implants and poltergeists in my brain and had sex with
me."

"I think my boyfriend knows what's going on. He's been calling me a 'chlamydiahoris.'"

"My pee smells like ham."

********

Monday, 28 October, 2002, 12:26 GMT
Blow-up tank 'missing in action'

Army chiefs are asking citizens to keep an eye out for an inflatable tank which was blown
away in the strong gales which
battered the UK over the weekend.

The inflatable, life-size dummy tank was moored to the ground during a training exercise near
Tredegar, south Wales.

But 80 mile per hour winds tore the battle tank replica from ropes tethering it to the ground
and the vehicle is officially
"missing in action".

A widescale search including a helicopter is now underway for the errant inflatable.

On Monday a military spokesman said they were anxious to hear from anyone who may have
woken during the morning to find a
tank in their garden.

Up to 860 soldiers were taking part in the annual Cambrian Patrol exercise at Trefil at the foot
of the Brecon Beacons.

The troops were enacting a battle scene using "enemy positions" created using the tank
replica, which is Royal Air Force
property.

The army is now scouring the hills of mid Wales using a helicopter to find the inflatable.

Red-faced Sergeant Major Brian Pratt said: "If anyone's found my tank, please give us a bell.

"It looks like a proper tank - from 200 metres away, you would think it was a green tank with
wheels and a barrel. It really
looks the part.

"It is about the size of three cars. It would fill a big garden. When deflated, it takes three men
to lift," the sergeant
major told BBC Radio Wales.

"We have got about six blow-up tanks. We use them every year for different exercise to make
the exercise as realistic as
possible. "It was particularly unusual weather."

The other inflatables used in the exercise were deflated and removed before the winds could
carry them away.

Meanwhile, a 25 foot-high inflatable replica of fast food mascot Ronald McDonald is also still
missing after it was whisked
by high winds from a Newport restaurant last week.