Daily Dose - 030111 - STRAY CAT, BIZARRE NEWS, How to Piss Off A Woman, DDL,
Rotten News
STRAY CAT
One hot July day, we found this old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight, starving,
dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, put her in a
carrier and took her to the vet. She had no name so we named her pussy cat. The vet
decided to keep her for a day or so, and said he would let us know when we could come and
get her.
My husband, the complaining type, said "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks."
My husband and my vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my hubby El-Cheap-O, and my hubby
calls him El-Take-O.
The next day, hubby had an appointment with his doctor, which is located next door to the
vet. The doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the doctor (many our friends and
neighbours). The door opened and in popped the vet and announces to my hubby:
"Your wife's pussy is finally shaved and clean. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I
think she is pregnant. God only knows who the father is!"
_____________________________
BIZARRE NEWS....
Another Round of Goat, Please
INDIA - Practitioners of Christian religions drink the blood of Christ during communion.
However, the blood is a representation given in the form of wine.
Sisir Das, a practitioner of Hindu occult rituals, takes his blood drinking literally as he has
sucked the blood of 207 goats sacrificed at a Hindu temple.
A news source in India says that blood sucking runs in the sorcerer's family and that his thirst
for blood "remains insatiable." Mr. Das says he is directed by the goddess Kalito drink the
blood.
"I don't know what happens to me all these four days. I feel the goddess taking possession of
my body," explains Das. On-lookers describe the event as a "bloodcurdling" sight.
********
Slip Into Something A Little More Healthy
JAPAN - Forget about those crazy diets, pills and exercise routines for losing weight. Fuji
Spinning Company has created the ultimate solution for weight loss in a fashionable manner.
The Wonderslim attire they've invented is comprised of knee-high sports pants, two types of
girdle and close-fitting men's boxer shorts. Each fat-trimming garment has a seaweed and
caffeine mixture which is massaged into the skin by the movements of the wearer.
The combination is said to interact with natural chemicals in the body and cause fat from
around the clothed area to dissolve.
Spokesman Makoto Suzuki explains, "Our products give people a helping hand where it is
most needed."
So sit back down on your couch and let your pants do the work.
_____________________________
How to Piss Off A Woman
Tie her to the bed, describe all the erotic things you plan to do. Then go bowling.
Ask her how she prepared a meal. If she wants to know why you want to know, say "So I
don't make the same mistakes."
Tell her YOU have a headache, but you're willing to suffer with it through sex just to please
her.
Imitate her having an orgasm while dining out.
Fake your own orgasm while dining out.
Tell her you've applied for the position of blowjob inspector at the nearest whorehouse.
After sex tell her the doctor assured you it isn't contagious. Then faint.
_____________________________
DDL
A guitar player frets while he waits
As the trumpeter blows his in haste
The drummer percusses
And softly discusses
His sex life with dear Maestro Bates
______________________________
"English is a language where double negatives are a no-no."
--Alfred E. Neuman
***
"My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me."
--Benjamin Disraeli
***
"I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is never half full, it's always half
empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it.
--Janeane Garofalo
_____________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
December 10, 2002 - Wireless Flash
Germany: A Lesbian's Vacation Paradise
NEW YORK (Wireless Flash) -- Lesbians may soon be referring to Germany as the
"motherland" if a new sex survey is any indication.
According to "FHM" magazine, 66 percent of German women have had sex with another lady
but only 16 percent have had a threesome.
But German women aren't the only ones who like the ladies. 38 percent of Brazilian women
have threesomes involving two other women.
Other kinky stats.
-- 25 percent of Japanese women own sex toys measuring 12 inches or more in length.
-- 12 percent of Brazilian ladies have had sex with animals.
-- 33 percent of Italian women have paid for sex.
-- Finally, 54 percent of Swedish women say they don't consider masturbating a stranger as
"cheating."
********
Pothead's weighty woes
By JOHN MARZULLI
DAILY NEWS STAFF WRITER
In his quest to lose weight so he can donate a kidney to his mother, Rubin Fernandez may
have made medical history.
Fernandez, 33, managed to lose 16 pounds in just over a month while regularly smoking
marijuana - a notorious appetite stimulant.
But losing a potbelly while becoming a pothead did not sit well yesterday with Brooklyn
Federal Judge Carol Amon, who has repeatedly postponed sentencing Fernandez for gun
possession so he could diet and save his mom.
"If there's any additional drug use, you're going to be remanded and you're not going to be
able to help your mother," Amon warned Fernandez yesterday.
The judge learned of Fernandez's marijuana use yesterday from a report by the court's
pretrial services unit. It was not the first time he has tested positive for pot while free on bail,
authorities said.
The 5-foot-5 Fernandez was ordered to drop 20 pounds and get down to 190 before doctors
would perform the surgery.
Fernandez's lawyer, Peter Kirscheimer, reported the 16-pound weight loss without any
supporting documentation. Two weeks ago, Fernandez told the Daily News he had lost just 6
pounds.
Neither Fernandez nor Kirscheimer disclosed the defendant's secret for resisting the
munchies.
The lawyer attributed the drug use to the stress Fernandez has suffered because of his 52-
year-old mother's condition and his own battle of the bulge.
"He knows what's at stake and was warned he was jeopardizing his ability to give the kidney
by using marijuana regularly," Amon said.
Amon ordered Fernandez to attend an outpatient drug treatment program three days a week
and undergo drug testing twice a week.
Assistant U.S. Attorney Nicolas Bourtin did not oppose the latest - and last - extension for
Fernandez, who is facing up to 21 months in prison.
Originally published on December 12, 2002
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12 Dec 2002 17:42 GMT
Christmas reindeer loses its baubles
CAPE TOWN (Reuters) - A star reindeer in a South African shopping mall's Christmas
display has lost a little of its seasonal pride and joy after complaints from shoppers.
Managers at one of Cape Town's upmarket malls, "castrated" the plastic animal after
receiving complaints about shiny golden Christmas tree baubles hanging between its hind
legs, officials said on Thursday.
Hein Conradie, a spokesman for the company which made the display, told the Cape Argus
newspaper that the baubles were "anatomically correct for an animal of that size" and were
prominent because of the reindeer's central position in the display.
"Generally, we find it wiser to use sexless reindeer," Conradie said.