Daily Dose - 030108 - Not On Church Walls, BIZARRE NEWS, gas station attendant,
DDL, Rotten News
Not On Church Walls
This German tourist was on a bus tour of Castilla during the summer that had a stop at
this old convent. The tour wasn't that interesting and he managed to stay behind and start
wandering. Feeling the urge, he stopped to pee on the outside wall of the chapel. While he
was doing his business, he was surprised by the Mother Superior. "OH! I am soo sorry!"
"No," she replied. "Actually, I've never seen a man's...You know. Could I take a look?"
The tourist was freaked out by a nun asking to see his works but it was kinda kinky in a
way, so he figured, what the hell. The nun looked at it for a bit and as he was about to put
it away she said, "You know, I always wanted to touch it. Would you mind...?"
"This is really weird, but sure." The tourist was getting really exited. Who could say that
you had been tossed off by a nun?
"Could you take it all out so that I can get a complete experience?" the nun requested.
The tourist, sure that he was about to get laid, willingly took down his pants. The nun
began fondling his testicles and suddenly straightened, and said, "Don't (SQUEEZE) piss
(SQUEEZE) on the (SQUEEZE) church (SQUEEZE) walls!!!!!!!!!!!"
_________________________
BIZARRE NEWS....
It's Just a Flesh Wound
An unemployed mechanic from Suffolk in the United Kingdom wants to fight to the death
with a government-selected champion over charges he failed to notify the motor vehicle
department his motorbike was off the road.
The online Mirror newspaper reports 60-year-old Leon Humphreys shocked magistrates
by demanding the medieval right to trial by combat.
Humphreys says the request meant he did not have to enter a plea, but a local magistrate
decided it translated into a plea of innocent and adjourned the case.
Trial by combat, the Mirror reports, was started by the Normans, who believed God would
only back the victor, so whoever was left standing was declared in the right.
*******
Acorn-Chomper Goes Nuts
KNUTSFORD, England - An English town can now breathe easy after one of its brave
citizens hunted down a vicious animal that had been terrorizing innocent passer-by's. The
final straw for Geoff Horth was when the crazed gray squirrel attacked his two-year-old
granddaughter.
The young girl was taking a walk with her mother when she stopped to admire the squirrel
before it pounced on her face and sank its teeth into her forehead. After her mother pried
the varmint off her face, young Kelsi Morley bleed heavily from the deep gash she
received.
Horth hunted down the animal and disposed of it with extreme prejudice by way of an air
rifle.
Several other victims were relieved to know that the critter was laid to rest.
*******
Prostitutes Kicked Off The Curb
A government plan in Paris to create the crime of "passive soliciting" was met with great
protest. Hundreds of masked prostitutes marched on the French Senate to show their
disapproval of this law that would have them jailed simply for standing in the street and
would allow authorities to confiscate the residence permits of foreign prostitutes.
The bill does promise leniency to those who denounce or testify against their pimps.
Corinne Monnet, of the Lyon-based association Cabiria, which defends the interests of
prostitutes, said "How can you expect prostitutes to denounce people who threaten their
families? If they are made into criminals, they'll need their pimps more than ever."
The bill has yet to be examined by parliament.
___________________________
From a recent "Fred on Everything" column about his buddy Gopher who worked with him
at a gas station when he they were teenagers.
One day (I was told, and hope it is true) a woman pulled up to the island in a Corvair—a
car, now extinct, that was shaped like a bar of soap and low to the ground. The car was as
short as Gopher was tall. From altitude Gopher asked, "Can I help you, Ma'am?
"Do you have a rest room?"
The distance was too great. Gopher thought she had said, "Whisk broom," and
responded, "No, Ma'am, but we could blow it out for you with the air hose."
In the resulting turmoil, Gopher had no idea why she was yelling at him.
__________________________
DDL
In marriage there's often a glitch,
When you find out you married a bitch,
She once was quite nice,
All sugar and spice,
Now she's an evil old witch
__________________________
"I used to be the next president of the United States."
---Al Gore when recently giving a speech.
********
"I have a new philosophy. I am only going to dread one day at a time."
- Charlie Brown
*********
I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's one called
brightness, but it doesn't work.
____________________________
Rotten News... (true)
License Denied Without Full-Face Photo
Florida Law Requires Full-Face Photos For Licenses
A Volusia County woman said that she was denied a driver's license because of she
would not show her face for her driver's license photo, according to Local 6 News.
Najat Muhammad said that a Department of Motor Vehicles clerk demanded that she
remove her religious head covering to take a picture for a new driver's license. However,
the request to take take off the garment violated her religious beliefs, Local 6 News
reported.
"For Muslim women, that's like going out naked in front of strangers, and we are both
practicing Muslims," Gamim Muhammad, Najat Muhammad's husband, said.
According to Florida law, a citizen must have full-face picture on their driver's license.
But, the DMV in Tallahassee, Fla., said it will reconsider letting Muhammad get her license
if she agrees to show her full face from her hairline to her chin, according to the Local 6
report.
She will attempt to get the new license this week.
"I don't think anyone is trying to deny us an opportunity to practice our religion,"
Muhammad said. "I think people are afraid now."
********
Funeral home gets a rise out of death
September 16 2002 at 07:33PM
Rome - Death is hardly something to look forward to, but one Italian funeral home is trying
to make the afterlife a tad more tempting by using bikini-clad women to sell its coffins.
On its site http://www.cofanifunebri.it, the Rome-based funeral home and coffin factory
Cisa features its hand-crafted caskets alongside models sipping champagne or reclining
seductively on the lids.
"We wanted to make the whole idea of picking your coffin less serious, maybe even make
people laugh a bit," Giuseppe Tenara, one of the partners, said.
Near-naked women are used to sell everything in Italy from computers to chocolate bars,
but Cisa has taken the advertising ploy to new limits.
The page featuring the firm's "Madonna" coffin shows a pouting woman in zebra shorts
and high-heel boots kneeling next to the casket, while in "Empire Style", a blonde donning
a black G-string leans on a coffin and turns her backside to the camera.
"Unfortunately the site hasn't helped sales much, because we mostly get calls from far
away places like Greece and Spain instead of Rome," Tenara told Reuters.
That hasn't stopped Cisa from creating an online "sexy calendar" with yet more
temptresses frolicking among the coffins.
Still, not all clients have been charmed.
"Some people are scandalised, but we just explain that we're trying to make people
laugh," Tenara said.
*******
Ambridge man hospitalized in apparent suicide attempt
By Bill Toland, Times Staff February 26, 2002
AMBRIDGE - An Ambridge man is recovering in Pittsburgh's UPMC Presbyterian hospital
after trying to cut off his genitals in an apparent suicide attempt.
According to Ambridge police, 31-year-old Edward L. Praskovich of 67 Economy Village,
disassembled a box cutter and used the enclosed razor blade to try to cut off his genitals
early Saturday. He didn't succeed, police said.
He tried to do it "because he wanted to bleed to death," Police Lt. Tony Merante said.
Praskovich had consumed "about 12 beers that night," he later told police.
Police received a call from Praskovich's live-in girlfriend around 4:45 a.m. Saturday. She
said he had cut himself in an upstairs room and then walked downstairs and told his
girlfriend that he had lost a lot of blood and was feeling lightheaded.
Praskovich was taken by ambulance from his home to an Ambridge ball field, which
served as a helicopter landing pad, and then flown to Pittsburgh. A UPMC spokeswoman
would not release his condition Monday.