Daily Dose - 030104 - MYSTERIOUS LETTERS, BIZARRE NEWS, intelligence test, ethnic
jokes, DDL, Rotten News

MYSTERIOUS LETTERS

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a
red 'H' on her chest.

"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard
sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he
notices a blue 'Y' on her chest.

"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale
sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he
notices a yellow 'M' on her chest.

"Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.

"No, but my girlfriend's at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

____________________________

BIZARRE NEWS....

Grown Men Go Monster Hunting

OSLO - The hunt is on for the cousin of the world's most notorious monster.

An international team of monster hunters unveiled a giant trap to capture a fabled serpent,
described as the cousin of Scotland's Loch Ness monster, in a lake in south Norway.

The trap is an 18-foot-long, tube-shape, comprised of a metal frame with nylon netting. The
team plans to dangle the cage in the lake over a two week period. Once the creature is
captured, they will "take a DNA sample, document the serpent and then release it into the
lake."

The beast has been described as a serpent with the head of an elk or a horse. The only thing
scarier than the serpent is the idea that men from all over the world are patiently waiting with
their giant trap to capture a "monster."

********

The Death Of The Party

INDIANAPOLIS, Ind. - An Indiana man came up with a good scare tactic for his next
Halloween party.

While Nick Yinger was roaming the waste ground behind a petrol station, he stumbled upon a
coffin filled with human bones. Yinger then placed it in the front seat of his car and drove it to
his house.

Not realizing the bones actually belonged to a former human being, (he thought they were
fake) he said that, "It looked pretty cool."

Upon a friend's advice, Yinger finally called the police. Authorities are trying to dig up some
clues as to where the remains came from and who they belong to.

___________________________

Scott and Peter had applied for jobs at a large company and had to take an intelligence test.
They each found the test a breeze, except that they admitted to being momentarily stumped
by the final question: "Name a 14 letter word for someone in charge of a plant."

"How did you answer that last one?" asked Scott. "I was a bit puzzled at first, but then I
thought of Superintendent."

"I think I got it right too," said Pete, "but I wrote down Horticulturist."

___________________________

It is said that when you tell an Englishman a joke, he will laugh three times. First - when you
tell it, to be polite. Second - when you explain it, to be polite. And third - in the middle of the
night when he wakes up and finally gets it.

When you tell a German the same joke, he will laugh twice. First - when you tell it, to be
polite. And second - when you explain it, to be polite. He won't laugh a third time because he
will never get it.

When you tell an American the same joke he won't laugh at all. Instead he will say, "It's an
old joke and besides, you tell it all wrong!"

____________________________

DDL

A horney young chap named McGee
Buggered an ape in a tree
The result was most horrid
All ass and no for'ead
red eyes & a purple goatee

_____________________________

A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"

"Not too good," says the mother. "I'm feeling very weak."

The son says, "Why are you so weak?"

She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."

The man says, "That's terrible! Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"

The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be full of food if you should call."

*********

"My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it."
--Mark Twain

*********

Q: What do you call a small shrub clinging to the walls of the Grand Canyon?

A: Gorge Bush

____________________________

Rotten News... (true)

Friday, 4 October, 2002, 11:23 GMT 12:23 UK

Birds, barking, beer and bellies

Proving ostriches have an amorous interest in humans has won a British scientist an IgNobel.

The prize, a spoof on the Nobel Prizes, was awarded at a ceremony in Boston, US.

Nine other wacky research projects were also lauded, including the study that showed how to
measure the surface area of an elephant and the paper that described how the froth on the
top of a glass of beer collapses.

IgNobel organiser Mark Abrahams told the BBC: "These are all research projects that raise
eyebrows. Some raise your eyebrows so much you can damage your face."

The IgNobels are run by the science humour magazine Annals of Improbable Research. The
gongs are there to recognise achievements which "cannot, or should not, be reproduced".

The prizes were given out at a ceremony at Harvard University's Sanders Theatre.

As ever, the Brits were well represented. Statistician and ecologist Charles Paxton, from the
University of St Andrews, took the biology IgNobel.

He and colleagues had a paper on the courtship behaviour of ostriches published in the
journal British Poultry Science.

The research showed why the birds got excited when humans came near their pens.

"The ostriches were more interested in humans than they were in each other," Charles
Paxton told the BBC. "The ostriches fancied the humans."

The scientist said his team were delighted with their prize. "We are all very proud," he said.

Other IgNobels were awarded in the following categories:

Interdisciplinary Research: Karl Kruszelnicki, of the University of Sydney, for performing a
comprehensive survey of human belly button lint - who gets it, when, what colour, and how
much.

Chemistry went to the Illinois researcher who gathered many elements of the periodic table,
and then built a four-legged table on the theme of the periodic table.

Mathematics: Two Indian scientists came up with a new method for estimating the surface
area of elephants.

Literature: Two US researchers wrote a colourful report on The Effects Of Pre-Existing
Inappropriate Highlighting On Reading Comprehension.

Peace: A Japanese team got the prize for promoting peace and harmony between the
species by inventing Bow-Lingual, a device that translates a dog's barks into Japanese.

Hygiene: Eduardo Segura, from Spain, won his IgNobel for inventing a washing machine for
cats and dogs.

Economics: Twenty-eight companies shared this prize for "adapting the mathematical
concept of imaginary numbers for use in the business world".

Medicine: Chris McManus, of University College London, was able to show that ancient
sculptures of men wrongly had a larger left testicle (in nature, the reverse is true, apparently!)

The physics IgNobel went to Arnd Leike, of the University of Munich, who was able to show
that beer froth obeys the mathematical Law of Exponential Decay.

"He and a Nobel Laureate went out for a beer in Harvard Square before the ceremony to try
to replicate the results," Mark Abrahams said.

*********

Miss Universe sacked after four months
23/09/2002 - 08:33:45

Miss Universe has been sacked after less than four months amid rumours that she is
pregnant.

Russian Oxana Federova has been stripped of her title because she refused to fulfil the
obligations of the title.

Multi-millionaire property tycoon Donald Trump, who owns the competition, told the New York
Post: "It's too bad it didn't work out better with Oxana, but our new Miss Universe is equally
beautiful and she is a tremendous crowd pleaser."

The new title holder is Justine Pasek of Panama who was runner-up when Federova was
crowned in Puerto Rico.

Contest officials were said to have been concerned that Federova might be secretly married
to her boyfriend, which would be a violation of the Miss Universe rules.

"She's gained about 15 pounds and we think she might be pregnant," one told the Post.

Federova was sacked in a letter which said: "Your continuing refusal to perform your duties
as a Miss Universe titleholder has, and will, cost the Miss Universe Organisation hundreds of
thousands of dollars while gravely affecting our reputation."

*********

'Rude' carol causes a bit of a ding dong

A police carol concert hymn sheet had to be changed after a computer censored Ding DONG
Merrily On High.

A rude words screening system would not allow it to be emailed at police HQ in Winchester,
Hants. Dong has now been removed from the computer block.