Daily Dose - 020612 - NOAH'S COMMANDMENT, Bizarre News, my knee hurts, DDL, Hey Martha
NOAH'S COMMANDMENT
When the ark's door was closed, Noah called a meeting with all the animals.
"Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice."There will be NO sex on this trip. All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, turn in your receipt and I will give you back your penis."
After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said, "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!"
Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said, "Sorry, no land yet."
"Damn!", exclaimed Mr. Rabbit.
This went on every day until Mrs.Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked, "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. Why are you acting so excited every day?"
"Look!", said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper, "I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT!!"
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BIZARRE NEWS....
Most Bizarre Methods of Contraception
Back in 23-70 AD, Roman nobleman Pliny the Elder believed that if you took two small worms from the body of a certain species of spider and attached them -- wrapped in deer skin, mind you -- to a woman's body before sunrise, she would not conceive.
It was believed in ancient times that if a woman spat three times into a frog's mouth she would not conceive for a year.
Supposedly, a pebble clasped in the hand during coitus would also stop conception.
St. Albert the Great (1193-1280) advised women to eat bees as an effective contraception procedure.
Aetios of Amida (fl. 527-565) suggested that a man should wash his penis in vinegar or brine before having sex and that a woman should wear a cat's testicle in a tube across her navel to avoid contraception.
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Husband Kills Wife in Bizarre Tree-Chopping Accident
BERLIN, Germany - In a horribly tragic and bizarre accident, a woman was crushed to death by a falling tree, chopped down by her husband.
The 66-year-old husband decided to cut down a tree in their garden because it had become unstable in a recent storm, and he was concerned that it posed a threat to passer-bys.
As he was chopping the tree, his wife stood in the street to warn cars.
In a tragic occurrence, the tree fell and crashed down on her head. She died at the hospital.
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Kids Attack Giant Mr. Potato Head & Rip Off His Arms
BELPER, Derbyshire - A 7-foot fiberglass statue of Mr. Potato Head was given to the town of Belper, Derbyshire in England as a gesture of goodwill.
Belper's sister city of Pawtucket, Rhode Island, the headquarters for the potato's manufacturer provided the giant toy. Little did the folks at Hasbro know the controversy the toy would cause.
Initially placed in the center of Belper, residents vetoed the potato and called it an eyesore. It was then moved to a children's playground and even a Wild West theme park.
Poor Mr. Potato head had his arm ripped off and hat broken in an attack last week outside a school. He was rushed to a fiberglass specialist and is now serving as a mascot in a Safeway supermarket parking lot.
A tourism company in Rhode Island recently said they might need to borrow the giant spud for a tour of America. A tourism development officer said, "I think we'd be quite happy to send him home."
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Man Fails Most Obvious Sobriety Test
BARTLESVILLE, Oklahoma - You'd think it would be common sense to show up sober for an arraignment hearing on drunken driving charges. Obviously not for this Oklahoma man.
Charles Ronald Laws, 52, was led from the Washington County courthouse in handcuffs after failing a sobriety test. Laws was also scheduled to be arraigned on charges of possession of marijuana and transporting an open container of alcohol.
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Man Pissed Over Denial of Urine Sales
WASHINGTON - "Our government does not require those who sell alcohol to ask their customers if they intend to get drunk and drive, nor do they require those who sell bullets or guns to ask their customers if they intend to kill someone," was the defense used for a young man who wished to sell his urine over the internet.
Kenneth Curtis lost a Supreme Court appeal that asked for permission to sell his fluids, part of a business that caters to people who are trying to beat drug tests.
Curtis reportedly worked his way around the ban by moving his business to North Carolina. Curtis' site includes a cartoon of a man, lowering his pants then urinating on a police officer's shoes.
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Thief Goes Back to Store to Exchange Pants
NETHERLANDS - After trying on a pair of pants in a Dutch store, a woman quickly left without paying for them. A couple days later, she realized they just didn't fit right.
What's a thief to do? Exchange the stolen pants, of course.
The 52-year-old robber called the store to see if they had the slacks in a larger size. The cashier didn't remember selling this specific pair of pants and cautiously reviewed the security videotapes.
Sure enough, the camera showed the thief trying on the pants and leaving the store without paying for them.
The cashier told the woman the store indeed had a bigger size and then promptly phoned the police.
The woman was arrested on theft charges when she arrived at the store.
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Classic Bizarre Moments from the Archives
A bizarre ad campaign is being waged by the People For The Ethical Treatment Of Animals.
It seems that they take issue with the consumption of milk that is extracted from animals (except "Mother's milk). The ads claim that people should switch from milk to beer because it has a much lower fat content.
MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving) has waged a counter campaign stating that this is a ridiculous diet that will kill thousands of people on the highways of America.
[Ahh, you gotta love political correctness gone mad.]
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An old man limped into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, my knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!"
The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said, "Sir, how old are you?"
"I'm 98," the man announced proudly.
The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again. Finally he said, "Sir, I'm sorry. I mean, just look at you. You are almost one hundred years old, and you're complaining that your knee hurts? Well, what did you expect?"
The old man said, "Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it doesn't hurt!"
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DDL
From an ancient Egyptian papyrus
A professor translated a virus
It was rather terrific
For an old Hieroglyphic
His computer was cursed by Osiris.
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"College is spending $100 for a book, and $300 to prove you read it."
--Unknown
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"We've begun to long for the pitter patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet."
--Rita Rudner
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"You know your children have grown up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they are going."
--Unknown
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Hey Martha (true)
Thursday, May 9, 2002
Hooters loses Yoda suit
More on the Star Wars series in Jam! Movies.
Pint-sized Jedi master Yoda.
PANAMA CITY, Fla. (AP) -- A former waitress has settled her lawsuit against Hooters, the restaurant that gave her a toy Yoda doll instead of the Toyota she thought she'd won.
Jodee Berry, 27, won a beer sales contest last May at the Panama City Beach Hooters. She believed she had won a new Toyota and happily was escorted to the restaurant's parking lot in a blindfold.
But when the blindfold was removed, she found she had won a new toy Yoda -- the little green character from the "Star Wars" movies.
David Noll, her attorney, said Wednesday that he could not disclose the settlement's details, although he said Berry can now go to a local car dealership and "pick out whatever type of Toyota she wants."
After the stunt, Berry quit the restaurant and filed a lawsuit against Gulf Coast Wings, Inc., the restaurant's corporate owner, alleging breach of contract and fraudulent misrepresentation.
The restaurant's manager, Jared Blair, has said the whole contest was an April Fools' joke.