Daily Dose - 020611 - dreams, Rotten News, Flu Notes, DDL, Hey Martha
Three guys go to a ski lodge. There aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.
In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream last night of getting a hand job!"
The guy on the left wakes up and unbelievably, he's had the same dream too.
Then the guy in the middle wakes up and exclaims, "That's funny, I dreamed that I was skiing!"
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Rotten News... (true)
Dog Has 17-Inch Licker
'What The Heck Is The Matter With Your Dog's Tongue?'
It's been said that a dog's mouth is cleaner than a human's, so maybe an occasional smooch from a cuddly canine isn't that bad.
But this isn't your ordinary dog. It's better to stand back when she tries to lick your face.
Seven-year-old Brandy the boxer, who lives in Detroit, has a 17-inch tongue that she loves to lick up pudding with.
Her owner is currently investigating Brandy's place in the history books and displaying her large licker on the Web at Tungdog.com, where she also has a fan club.
"We were told she would grow into her tongue, but as you can see, she didn't," the site reads. "We knew Brandy was something special the first time we took her to the vet and he said, 'What the heck is the matter with your dog's tongue?'"
*******
No way, no okay, no bras over bay
By LISA GREENE, Times Staff Writer © St. Petersburg Times
published February 27, 2002
Call it a tempest in a D cup.
Promoters at radio station STAR-FM 95.7 thought they could get people's attention by using bras to raise money to fight breast cancer.
The plan: Ask listeners to donate money and bras. String them together across the Friendship Trail Bridge. Give it a catchy title: "Bras Across the Bay."
But the plan deflated Tuesday when Pinellas County commissioners refused to, well, support the idea.
"Do you have to do this with bras?" asked Commission Chairman Barbara Sheen Todd.
"I just find that distasteful," Commissioner Karen Seel said. "I'm sorry."
Todd and Seel, who both have relatives who have had the disease, stressed that they want to help fight breast cancer. But they said using bras was insensitive to breast cancer survivors.
On a 3-3 vote, commissioners refused to give a permit.
Tammy Beardsley, STAR 95.7 promotion director, said she was disappointed by the decision.
Commissioners suggested the station string pink ribbons across the bay instead, but Beardsley said the station has dropped the whole idea and will focus its efforts instead on the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation Race for the Cure, set for this fall.
Beardsley said the station got the bra idea after a producer worked on a bra-themed fundraiser in Washington, D.C., that raised $14,000. Radio DJs floated the idea with listeners and "the response they got was great," Beardsley said. Nobody complained.
Here, the radio station figured, it would take some 4,000 bras to cross the bay at the bridge, the site of the old Gandy Bridge.
The American Cancer Society signed on to accept donations after station officials assured the group they would treat the disease seriously, said Jolene McPherson, the group's state spokeswoman.
"I know it's crazy," she said. "But it's attention-getting."
Liz Warren, parks department director, said she had a different worry when she first heard the plan.
"We had a concern that if the bras dropped into the bay, it would choke wildlife," she said.
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April 22, 2001
Snap Crackle Barf
Could there be anything more delicious than a Rice Krispie treat?
The answer is yes, as long as you are not very particular where your protein comes from.
Nine-year old Canadian resident/chick Julia MacKinnon found a very special surprise in her lunchbox: a dead slug.
Canadian newspapers described the slug as being seven centimetres long and resembling a piece of bacon. A Kelloggs spokesperson claimed in response that they have the "highest-quality health and manufacturing standards."
We can only assume, then, that only the highest-quality garden pests are embedded in their treats.
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Flu Notes.....
(Notes pinned to the pillow of a mother who has the flu by a well meaning husband who has inherited the house and kids.)
Monday A.M.
Dearest: Sleep late. Everything under control. Lunches packed. Kids off to school. Menu for dinner planned. Your lunch is on a tray in refrigerator: fruit cup, finger-sandwiches. Thermos of hot tea by bedside. See you around six.
Tuesday A.M.
Honey: Sorry about the egg rack in the refrigerator. Hope you got back to sleep. Did the kids tell you about the Coke I put in the Thermoses? The school might call you on this. Dinner may be a little late. I'm doing your door-to-door canvas for liver research. Your lunch is in refrigerator. Hope you like leftover chili.
Wednesday A.M.
Dear Doris: Why in the name of all that is sane would you put soap powder in the flour canister! If you have time, could you please come up with a likely spot for Chris's missing shoes? We've checked the clothes hamper, garage, back seat of the car and wood box. Did you know the school has a ruling on bedroom slippers? There's some cold pizza for you on a napkin in the oven drawer. Will be late tonight. Driving eight Girl Scouts to tour meatpacking house.
Thursday A.M. Doris:
Don't panic over water in hallway. It crested last night at 9 P.M. Will finish laundry tonight. Please pencil in answers to following:
1. How do you turn on the garbage disposal?
2. How do you turn off the milkman?
3. Why would that rotten kid leave his shoes in his boots?
4. How do you remove a Confederate flag inked on the palm of a small boy's hand?
5. What do you do with leftovers when they begin to snap at you when you open the door? I don't know what you're having for lunch! Surprise me!
Friday A.M.
Hey: Don't drink from pitcher by the sink. Am trying to restore pink dress shirt to original white. Take heart. Tonight, the ironing will be folded, the house cleaned and the dinner on time. I called your mother.
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DDL
There was a farting contest coming to town
And people came from miles around
The first fart was extremely loud
The second fart pleased the crowd
The third fart, the judges cried "He shit his pants, he's disqualified"
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Even though Hillary was glad to have Chelsea around campaigning with her, rumor has it that there is one area of contention between the two of them. It seems that Chelsea has picked up a disgusting cigarette habit from her classmates at Stanford.
Which, all things being equal, isn't so bad. After all, she could have picked up her father's disgusting cigar habit.
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"Why do you take a blonde shopping with you?
So you can park in the handicapped spaces!!!"
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What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick
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Hey Martha (true)
Thursday, June 21, 2001
Cookie Monster attacked
'A' is for assault
Cookie Monster from television's 'Sesame Street' show.
LANGHORNE, Pa. (AP) -- A man's plan to have his young daughter meet the Cookie Monster crumbled when he was arrested for allegedly assaulting the furry blue Sesame Street character.
Police say Lee P. McPhatter, upset that the Cookie Monster would not pose for a picture at the Sesame Place theme park, shoved and kicked the employee inside the costume. McPhatter, 22, of Waldorf, Md., denies the allegations.
"People started yelling at me that I should be ashamed of myself for hitting Cookie Monster. I did not kick or punch Cookie Monster. The cop did not want to hear my side of the story, and I got arrested," said McPhatter, who described the character as his 3-year-old daughter Mina's favorite.
Middletown police said that 21-year-old Jennie McNelis suffered bruised ribs and a cervical sprain when McPhatter shoved her to the ground, then kicked her in the head and back.
McPhatter said his daughter was getting pushed around by others waiting to talk to the Cookie Monster. McPhatter said he asked twice for the character to pose with his daughter, but McNelis "aggressively" put a big blue paw on his daughter's head and pushed her.
McNelis, who is back at work, said she is not permitted to discuss the incident. Sesame Street spokeswoman Audrey Shapiro confirmed that the incident took place, but called it a rare event.
"Our characters do not act the way this man said," she continued. "It is an honor to be Cookie Monster."
McPhatter is free on $20,000 unsecured bail following the June 9 incident. He said he would fight the charges, which include simple assault, harassment and disorderly conduct.
"Why would someone take their 3-year-old daughter to the park and attack Cookie Monster?" he asked. "I would never do that in front of my daughter."
( Now Barney - I could understand.....)