Daily Dose - 020610 - old soldier, BIZARRE NEWS, Pet Lobsters, DDL, hey Martha

An old soldier was celebrating 82 years on this earth. He spoke to his toes.

"Hello toes!" he said, "How are you, toes? You know, you are 82 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we walked in the park in summer every Sunday afternoon? The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy birthday, toes!"

"Hello knees," he continued. "How are you, knees? You know you're 82 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy birthday, knees!"

Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willy! If you were alive today, you'd be 82 years old!"

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BIZARRE NEWS....

Bizarre Celebrity Sex Scene Confessions

"His idea of a romantic kiss was to go "blaah" an gag me with his tongue. He only improved once he married Demi Moore.
- Cybil Shepard on Bruce Willis

"I enjoyed bumping up against it even though it had black stuff all over it...By the end of the shoot I was covered in black goo'.
- Kim Bassinger being turned on by Michael Keaton's Batman costume.

Kenneth Williams' moment of unbridled passion with Joan Sims in "Carry On Up The Khyber" was somewhat marred by Williams' persistent flatulence.

Hygiene conscious Lana Turner chewed gum to keep her mouth fresh for her kissing scenes. During the filming of "Homecoming," Clark Gable kissed her so hard that the pair became entwined by a ribbon of sticky gum. From then on, she gargled.

"It's a little too sick, real or feigned to do in front of your mother."
- Jennifer Jason Leigh stated about a sex scene in her 1996 movie, "Georgia." Leigh asked her screenwriting mother, Barbara Turner, to leave the set at the crucial moment.

"God I miss my husband."
- Patsy Kensit whispered to Mel Gibson during their naked romp in "Lethal Weapon 2."

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The Ol' Evil Twin Excuse

FRANKLINTON, Louisiana - When William Dykes recently robbed a convenience store, he already had his line of defense worked out - he would blame it on his evil twin.

Dykes was charged with burglary and possession of stolen property after he was caught with items such as cigars, alcohol, and cigarettes from the store. He claimed innocence, blaming the robbery on his evil twin.

James Hartman from the sheriff's department said, "When confronted with the photographs, Dykes said the perpetrator is his evil twin brother who follows him around, dresses in identical clothes and commits crimes using his identity."

Dykes' sister dismissed all claims. She admitted they have another brother, but "he's not a twin, and he's certainly not evil," she said.

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The Public Goes Wild Over Caribou Flavored Condoms

IQALUIT, Nunavut - For all you rugged outdoorsmen out there, have I got a "treat" for you.

Condoms flavored with traditional foods such as caribou, musk ox and arctic char have become the favorite collectible from this year's Arctic Winter Games in Iqaluit.

The first 2,500 condoms, given away at five locations in Iqaluit along with an information package, disappeared almost immediately after the Games opened last weekend. By Wednesday, officials had given away more than 15,000 of the condoms, which are brightly packaged with pictures of five different northern animals.

"It's proven to be a remarkable success, not only at providing information to people, but getting them really talking about the issues," said Todd Armstrong, HIV adviser for Pauktuutit, an Inuit women's organization.

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"Fart Guys" Terrorize Supermarket

NEW JERSEY - Two pranksters, ages 65 and 50, are facing fines and jail for repeatedly letting off "fart spray" in a New Jersey supermarket.

Geremino Ranallo and Warren Jacoby kept stinking up the ShopRite store in Warren, driving disgusted customers away, police said.

"It smelled like somebody had let a real stinker in there. It was pretty nasty," said shopper Brian Lee, 18.

The men were convicted of disorderly conduct and fined $500.

Ranallo said the decision angered him, adding, "I don't want to be known as the fart guy."

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Beware the 'Gun-Toting Dentist'

Most people fear going to the dentist -- drills and needles and all that. But the patients of one California dentist have some other "weapons" on their minds.

A Burbank, Calif., dentist -- already facing felony charges for weapons sales -- is now at the center of yet another possible scandal within the ranks of the Los Angeles Police Department.

The Los Angeles Times is reporting that dentist Lawrence Wolff, may have sold nearly two dozen high-powered assault weapons to LAPD officers. Even though Wolff does have a license to sell guns, including machine guns and assault rifles, he was recently charged with a number of illegal gun sales.

The charges against him came as the result of an ATF sting operation. It is reported that many of the documents that were used in the purchase of weapons by the police officers were faked.

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The Blind Leading the Blind?

WASHINGTON - And to think this man leads our entire nation.

Apparently President Bush was so excited to see legendary R & B singer Stevie Wonder at the Ford's Theatre Presidential Gala, that he began waving to him.

It took our fearless leader a minute to realize why the blind man did not respond to his gesture, and slowly dropped his hand back to his lap.

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Pet Lobsters

After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.

The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Every day I come done to the water and whistle and these lobsters jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day."

The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license.

The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water.

The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water."

The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"

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DDL

There once was a man from Moritz,
who raised an acre of tits,
they bloomed in the fall,
red nipples and all,
and he leisurely chewed them to bits!

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"When a man grows old
And his balls get cold,
And the tip of his knob turns blue,
And the hole in the middle,
refuses to piddle,
I'd say he's fucked, wouldn't you?"

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What's the difference between a toad and a horny toad.

One says Ribbit ribbit and the other says rubbit rubbit

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Hey Martha (true)

Wednesday, July 11, 2001

Wal-Mart studies easing engagement ring returns

By ANDREA BAILLIE-- The Canadian Press

TORONTO (CP) -- Help may be on the way for rejected Romeos forced to endure the embarrassment of returning an engagement ring after a failed marriage proposal.

Wal-Mart Canada said Wednesday it is examining the success of a British program that allows broken-hearted buyers to expedite the return process.

"We are going to monitor customer response to it closely," said company spokesman Andrew Pelletier. "Generally if it's something that made sense for our customers, we would certainly consider it."

The system for snubbed suitors is being launched by the British department store chain Asda, which was bought by Wal-Mart in 1999.

Employees at Asda are being trained to use a procedure that provides prospective grooms with a phone number that can be called if a proposal goes sour.

If they end up making the call, they'll be given an individual code word to use when returning the ring.

"A simple mention of this secret word with the ring's receipt will get them a refund at the jewelry department with a minimum of delay," said a store release.

The release said the policy guarantees that "partners given the 'heave-ho' can have their money back quickly and discretely."

Pelletier said Wal-Mart will watch the success of the system.

"I think it's a nice program," said Pelletier. "When we visit any store to purchase anything, I think we want it to be as simple as possible and as quick as possible.

"This is a way of possibly enhancing that even further ... (Especially) in a case where the person would understandably be disappointed that their offer was not accepted."

But Vartan Khanjian of Solitaire Jewellery Ltd. in Toronto said the customers who return rings to his store aren't usually red-faced.

"Most of the time they just want to get rid of it," he said.

Pelletier said Wal-Mart will study how customers in the United Kingdom respond to the initiative at Asda before deciding if is something that it would introduce for Canadian customers.

Wal-Mart is looking at opening 30 Asda jewelry departments across Britain by year's end.

Formed by a group of farmers from Yorkshire in 1965, Asda has 240 stores across the U.K. and sells a range of goods that includes fresh food, groceries and clothing.