Daily Dose - 020609 - Oliver Twist, Rotten News, husband missing, honor system, DDL, hey Martha
A young couple had just returned from their honeymoon and were settling down in their new apartment. Coming home from work one night, the landlady met the man in the hallway. She said, "I have a couple of extra tickets to a play in town tonight, and I wonder if you and your bride would like to have them?"
"I'll ask her," the young man responded. He opened his door and called out, "Honey, would you like to see 'Oliver Twist' tonight?"
"Hey, Pal," she retorted. "If you show me one more trick with that thing, I'm going home to mother."
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Rotten News... (true)
Euro costly in sex stakes
Sunday Herald Sun
03mar02
BERLIN: A German claims the switch to the European single currency has left him bankrupt in the bedroom.
Wolfgang Fritz says that after handling his country's newly-issued 10-euro notes, he became impotent -- and is planning to sue the state for free Viagra to get his love life up to the mark again.
"I'm dead in the bedroom," declared the 55-year-old Berliner. "I haven't had a spark down there since I started using the notes.
"I'm OK with the other denominations -- it's just the 10-euro. It started with headaches and just got worse. It would be funny if it were not so pathetic."
His girlfriend, Carola Seiffert, said: "It's led to a deeply unhappy household."
Mr Fritz is one of thousands of Germans who are claiming they have been struck by allergies and ailments after handling the note, which is worth about $16.50.
Sufferers say the culprit is a chemical called tributyltin, used only in the 10-euro note.
Tributyltin, also known as TBT, is part of a tin alloy used in the 10-euro notes during printing to stop them being bleached by sunlight.
The German Government initially called claims about the ailments spurious, but said yesterday: "If tests prove these notes are unsafe, they must be withdrawn."
It is little consolation to Mr Fritz, who has learned the tough way that money can't buy you love. "Let them come to my bedroom and see how spurious I am," he said. "I am ruined as a man."
DAILY MAIL
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Cycle winner didn't take advice
Associated Press
COLUMBUS | A sheriff wants to seize a customized D.A.R.E. motorcycle, saying the man who won it in a raffle rode the bike emblazoned with anti-drug messages to make a drug deal.
‘‘We tried to advertise the D.A.R.E. program and ‘Say no,’ ’’ said Ross County Sheriff Ron Nichols. ‘‘Unfortunately, this gentleman didn’t take heed to what it said on the side of the bike.’’
Nichols said Pearl Blazer, 54, of Frankfort won the $50,000 Harley-Davidson in a sheriff’s office raffle in 1999 to raise money for the office’s Drug Abuse Resistance Education program.
Blazer was indicted Feb. 22 and charged with one count of drug trafficking. He is accused of selling an ounce of marijuana to an undercover deputy on July 9.
Nichols said he will to try to seize the bike — a procedure common in drug cases — after Blazer’s criminal case is resolved.
[From the Dayton Daily News: 02.28.2002]
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May 14, 2001
Principal Ignites Hamster On Playground
An Iranian school principal has been fired for killing a hamster in front of her students.
The small rodent had been brought to the school by a teacher as a prize for a student. However, when the principal found it, she went berserk and burned it alive on the playground and in front of students, in some manner of bizarre spectacle whose purpose is not clear.
What Iran lacks in human rights, it seems to make up for in animal rights. The Iranian Animal Protection Society complained to the Education Ministry and requested that in addition to her dismissal, state teachers be required to undergo psychological testing in the future.
(IRNA)
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A woman goes to the police station to report that her husband was missing.
"Can you give me a description of him?" asked the officer.
"He's short and bald and skinny and wrinkled and wears dentures," answered the woman. "Come to think of it, most of him was missing before he was."
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During a busy shopping time, I visited my favorite New York City grocery store.
A woman addressed one of the apron-clad workers behind the counter, "Do I have to take a number?"
"No," said the clerk, "we're on the honor system."
"Good," the woman yelled. "I'm next!"
~ NEW YORK TIMES
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DDL
A banker in Fairfield called Sonny
Jacked off in the vault. Kind of funny!
When caught and asked why
He said in reply,
"I wanted to come into money
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"The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain."
---Dolly Parton
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"Vibrating Tampons: When nature says No, you can still say Yes Yes Yes!!"
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I'm so depressed... My Dr. refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
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Hey Martha (true)
Friday, June 29, 2001
Man sues hospital for losing dead wife's leg
Loss prevented proper Jewish burial
WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. (AP) -- A widower has sued a hospital for losing his deceased wife's amputated leg.
A lawsuit filed Thursday against Jackson Memorial Hospital and the affiliated University of Miami said the missing leg prevented a proper Jewish burial for Bernice Verner. Philip Verner claims a hospital employee told him that his wife's leg had been discarded or possibly cremated.
A hospital spokeswoman did not immediately return a phone call.
Bernice Verner died April 29, 2000, a month after her right leg was amputated because doctors couldn't treat an ulcer. Her husband had asked the hospital to save the leg and deliver it to the funeral home if she died.
"It added to my grief because as a Jewish person, their body is supposed to be buried, all the parts with the body," Philip Verner said.
The lawsuit seeks unspecified damages of more than $15,000 for emotional distress.