Daily Dose - 020608 - the string, Rotten News, philosophy exam, comparing disorders, DDL, hey Martha
Joe was in the corner bar having a few when his friend Phil stopped in and joined him. It didn't take long for Phil to notice a string hanging out of the back of Joe's shirt collar that his friend kept tugging on.
Finally Phil couldn't contain his curiousity, and asked, "What that string for?"
"Two weeks ago I had a date with that dish, Linda," Joe explained, "and when I got her into the sack, would you believe I couldn't perform? Made me so mad that I tied this string to my dick, and every time I think of how it let me down, I pull the string and make it kiss my ass."
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Rotten News... (true)
Mon 18 Mar 2002
Sperm bank disaster cover-up claim
EDWARD BLACK
A SCOTTISH hospital was yesterday accused of covering up an accident which has left hundreds of cancer patients facing a childless future.
The SNP’s health spokeswoman, Nicola Sturgeon, said she was "appalled" that a potentially devastating fault with a freezer, used for storing sperm deposits at Edinburgh’s Western General Infirmary, had taken eight months to come to light.
Health trust officials revealed yesterday that samples of sperm taken from 296 patients before undergoing cancer treatment may have been damaged after a freezer "over-heated" over a 48-hour period.
Chemotherapy and radiotherapy can make patients sterile, which is why many men are encouraged to deposit sperm before treatment as an insurance policy for fatherhood.
Officials moved to make public the incident and alert patients affected after information was passed to the media.
But Ms Sturgeon said: "This is devastating news for patients who now find that they are unable to have children.
"I am particularly appalled that it has taken eight months and the threat of an exposé by a national newspaper to force the trust to inform patients about the situation. It seems that whenever things like this happen in the NHS, the automatic reaction of managers is to cover it up."
Hospital staff are still trying to trace 60 patients after revealing that sperm samples taken over a 23-year period, between 1979-2001, may have been "compromised" by the technical failure.
The trust’s medical director, Dr Charles Swainson, said the incident affected men who had given samples prior to treatment at the Urology and Haematology Units and the Western General Hospital, Edinburgh, before 6 July, 2001.
The fault was detected within hours and none of the sperm has since been used by any of the patients.
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Steamy night in NT parliament
By Paul Toohey
March 14, 2002
THE Opposition is outraged and the Chief Minister is talking in grave tones after it was revealed a couple had sex in the speaker's chair in the Northern Territory's parliamentary chamber.
And an investigation by the clerk of parliament, Ian McNeill, is under way to find out how the former staff member and his partner gained access to the chamber to commit the deed on Friday night.
The staff member, Andrew Kilvert, who finished as a government media adviser on Friday, handed in his blue electronic all-areas access card at close of business on the same day, but somehow got back in later that night.
"We'd been down the boozer and wandered in and just sort of had sex," said Mr Kilvert. The speaker's chair proved uncomfortable, so the pair moved to the table. "She delivered a beautiful soliloquy as she lay on the speaker's table, about democracy and freedom of expression. It was really quite a good speech. And then we left."
Mr Kilvert, who would not name his sex partner because he "does not kiss and tell", said the couple entered the chamber through the Opposition foyer about 9pm.
Speaker Loraine Braham was out of range yesterday, but Sue Carter, the Opposition whip, had told her what had happened on her chair. Ms Braham was said to be "gobsmacked".
Ms Carter called the act a "desecration at the high altar of our democracy". Not to mention "pretty gross".
She said she had asked the cleaners to make sure they gave the table a good polish and paid attention to the chair.
The Opposition was particularly disturbed that Mr Kilvert, who was Clare Martin's closest media adviser during last year's successful election campaign, had passed through their offices to get to the chamber.
Mr Kilvert, who ended his time with Labor acrimoniously after falling out with one of the chief minister's close advisers, is unrepentant.
"We are some of the few people to enter that chamber with honourable intentions," he said.
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A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination.
On the paper there was a single line which simply said: "Is this a question?" - Discuss.
After a short time he wrote: "If that is a question, then this is an answer."
The student received an "A" on the exam.
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Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their various disorders.
"I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "but I guess it is impossible."
"I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months."
"You must tell me what you did."
"I went to a faith healer."
"But I've tried that. My husband and I went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit."
The other woman smiled and whispered,
"Try going alone, next time, dearie."
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DDL
There once was a lady named Eva
She went to the ball as Godiva
When a change in the lights
Revealed a tear in her tights
A low fellow present yelled 'BEAVER'
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"Q: Why do they use powdered soap in the Navy?
A: It takes longer to pick up."
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Q. Why did the blonde have square tits?
A. She forgot to take the tissues out of the box
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Q. Why did the Avon Lady walk funny?
A. Her lips stick. "
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Hey Martha (true)
Friday, May 11, 2001
Church attempts to buy topless club
HAMPTON, Va. (AP) -- So much for love thy neighbor.
The Word of Faith Life Changing Ministries is holding a "Believer's Buyout" revival this week, hoping to raise enough money to buy a building it leases and evict its fellow tenant: a topless club.
"It's not just a buyout for money, but a buyout to purchase souls for Christ," pastor Frederica Holliday said.
The ministry moved into the building three months ago. The Blue Flame Gentlemen's Club had opened in the building six months earlier.
"They are trying to portray this business as the worst thing that ever happened and that they are a bunch of saints," club owner Victor Oshin said Friday. "I am doing what is legal, paying my taxes, doing what I am supposed to do."
Holliday compared the decision to move into the building to mission work.
"It's like a missionary saying I don't want to go to Africa because it's dangerous," Holliday said. "But it's part of the job. And if God says, 'Go,' you go."
Club employees said members of the congregation have circled the building to discourage customers from entering.
"I take offense to what they're doing," said Butterfly, a dancer at the club who asked to be identified by her stage name. "It was a shock to see people marching around the building at 11:30 at night with their little children. My kids are in bed asleep."