Daily Dose - 020605 - Hello UFO, Rotten News, aunt's pay, Chocolate is a Vegetable, DDL, Hey Martha
Hello UFO
A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft.
As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young, blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and then waved to the two aliens as they took off.
"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.
"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde. "So?"
"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"
The blonde attendant rolled her eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been working here for five years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means - it means 'Unleaded Fuel Only'."
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Rotten News.... (true)
Aquarium discovers two 'gay' penguins
by Beth Shapiro
365Gay.com
Wendell and Cass would be more comfortable in a Greenwich Village one bedroom apartment than their current home at the New York Aquarium.
The male penguins, each about 14 years old, can't get enough of each other. The couple has been together for the past eight years, and the two have sex with each other whenever they can, which is often.
Presumably penguins can tell the guys from the gals, but aquarium officials apparently can't. For years they thought the pair was one of each. The truth didn't come out until aquarium staff carried out a blood test.
Angie Pelekedis, a spokeswoman for the aquarium on Coney Island, said: "They're one of the most dedicated couples in the penguin enclosure."
Penguin keeper Stephanie Mitchell added: "I was only seeing one mate with the other, but then one of the other keepers saw it happen the other way round so we did a blood test that proved they were both male.
"Cass tends to be a rather aggressive bird. Wendell is very nervous; always has been. He's on edge all the time. They're currently in a dispute with another couple over their nest. It seems to be one of the most desirable places in the penguin enclosure."
Posted February 22, 2002
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PETA Still Critical of College's Use of a Cow
Thursday, February 14, 2002
By ERIK ORTIZ
The Ledger
LAKELAND -- An animal-rights group is not satisfied with Florida Southern College's explanation for allowing a game of cow bingo on campus.
In a letter dated Feb. 7, FSC officials defended their treatment of the cow used during a Jan. 16 fund-raising event.
"To our knowledge, no laxatives were used on the cow. School officials were present from start to finish while the cow was on the campus," said FSC spokeswoman Shari Szabo in the letter to the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.
PETA finds FSC's reasoning predictable.
"All they did was deny the cow was fed laxatives," Amy Rhodes, a PETA cruelty caseworker, said Tuesday. "And they quoted someone who wasn't even there."
Rhodes disagrees with a statement from Jennifer Vermillera, local executive of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals who was quoted by FSC.
In the letter, Vermillera said, "I don't know if a cow would be that sensitive (about being put on public display)."
Rhodes contends that cows are affected by laughter.
"I was not talking about the cow being embarrassed. That's just silly, but I would assume that she was stressed in that situation," said Rhodes, who does not think animals should be used for entertainment.
Rhodes's other concern was that children were present during the cow bingo game.
"I am told there were a hundred people laughing at (the cow), some children," Rhodes said. "You don't teach children to ridicule animals or degrade them because they may do the same to people. It's a dangerous message to send to children."
PETA expressed its concerns in a letter to FSC President Thomas Reuschling in January, saying it can be emotionally devastating for an animal to be exposed to ridicule.
Rhodes, who was not present during the fund-raising event, said she was informed of the game by worried students who are members of PETA.
"I hope that the school will take the concerns from students seriously and not brush this aside," she said.
The cow, donated by a local farmer, was used during a carnival which raised money for the women's softball, soccer and volleyball teams.
Cow bingo was played on a grid on Barnett Field. The squares were available to purchase and the winner was chosen by the square on which the cow deposited a cow patty.
PETA does not plan to respond to FSC's letter.
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May 4, 2001
Girls Bake Cake With Laxatives And Dog Shit
And you thought your mother's cooking was bad.
In Arizona, two 8th grade girls set about baking a cake for an elementary school carnival, decorating it with whipped cream and candy bars.
But their defining touch? The cake contained pond water, laxatives, and dog shit.
Somehow, the cake was intercepted and sent to the Department of Public Safety for investigation before anyone could dig in. The girls now might face charges of conspiracy to commit assault.
How much are you willing to bet that a cop took a bite of that biohazard and is too embarrassed to admit it?
(Arizona Republic)
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An attractive young thing met her maiden aunt downtown for lunch one afternoon and during the meal, the older woman asked her niece to deposit a paycheck for her at the bank where the girl worked. On her way back from work, the girl was accosted by a purse snatcher.
"Help, help!" she screamed at a passing cop. "That man has taken my aunt's pay - he's taken my aunt's pay!"
"Okay, lady," said the cop. "Cut out the pig latin and tell me exactly what happened."
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Chocolate is a Vegetable
Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.
To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.
Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves. (We're testing this with other snack foods as well.)
If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?
If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?
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DDL
There once was a trucker named Briard
Who had this young whore that he hired
To fuck when not trucking
But fucking PLUS trucking
Got him so fucking tired he got fired
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Q: Why don't pumpkins smoke??
A: There on the patch
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What is the biggest advantage to marrying a blonde?
You get to park in the Handicapped Zone
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What does PMS stand for?
Penis Must Suffer
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Hey Martha (true)
Thursday, July 12, 2001
Circus contortionist all wrapped up
LONDON (AP) -- Circus workers accustomed to seeing a contortionist wrap his body into strange shapes at first ignored his pleas for help when he told them he'd gotten his right foot stuck on his left shoulder.
Berkine, a Netherlands National Circus performer known by his stage name, became trapped in the painful position while rehearsing for a show in Gillingham, southeastern England, on Wednesday.
"I think the problem was that I did not warm up very well," he said. "I just became stuck. ... It was frightening because it was really hurting me and because I just could not move."
Berkine, 21, of Kazakhstan, said his circus co-workers at first ignored him when he shouted for help.
"Because the guys watch Berkine every night, they thought he was joking at first, but then realized he was being serious," circus producer Chris Barltrop said.
When Berkine's colleagues realized he was really stuck, they searched the Internet for a local osteopath, and found Harinder Gowal, who normally treats wrestlers.
Gowal quickly freed Berkine.
"I am OK now and I managed to perform last night after warming up very, very well," the performer said.