Daily Dose - 020604 - DRIVING SCHOOL ANSWERS, BIZARRE NEWS, three morticians, coffee mug, DDL, Hey Martha
REAL DRIVING SCHOOL ANSWERS
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders).
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick-up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too shit-faced to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving.
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
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BIZARRE NEWS....
Bizarre Laws
MONTANA
A man and a woman cannot have sex in any position other than missionary style. (Repealed)
Movies that depict acts of felonious crime cannot be shown.
A wife may not open her husband's mail.
Sheep may not be in the cab of your truck without a chaperone.
Balls may not be thrown within the city limits.
Citizens are not allowed to draw funny faces on their window shades.
Vehicles may not be operated with ice picks attached to the wheels.
Unrestrained giggling while walking on city street is forbidden by law.
In Montana, it is illegal for married women to go fishing alone on Sundays, and illegal for unmarried women to fish alone at all.
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Woman Stabs Boyfriend, "I want to visit my mother!"
BILLINGS, Montana - James S. Demontiney, 26, was harmlessly washing the dishes one recent Saturday morning. Apparently his girlfriend felt he was taking too long.
Elizabeth J. Holt, 23, began complaining that she wanted to visit her parents. She became angrier and more impatient as her boyfriend continued washing the dishes.
Refusing to wait any longer, she picked up a kitchen knife with a 6-inch blade and ran after her boyfriend, stabbing him in the back. He immediately called 911 and was treated for the wound before police arrived.
Demontiney is in stable condition, and Holt has been charged with felony assault. She is being held in the county jail on a $15,000 bond.
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Monkey See, Monkey Compute
Hollywood did it in the movie SATURN 3, starring Kirk Douglas and Farrah Fawcett. Now, 22 years later, Brown University researchers have done it with a rhesus monkey.
Thought-controlled computers.
Using a fingernail-size chip implanted in the brain, a monkey was able to move a cursor around on a computer screen just by thinking and used it to touch dots that appeared on the screen.
The chip was developed after months of trials that monitored monkeys' brains while they manipulated a joystick with their hands, mapping exactly which part of the brain was responsible for this exact motor control.
The results are promising enough that the device could one day be used on humans.
[washingtonpost.com]
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Toddler Takes Wild Ride on Snowmobile
Police in the city of Wabasha, Minn., say that a not-quite-3-year-old boy is lucky to be alive after being "kidnapped" by a runaway snowmobile.
The Star-Tribune explained it this way: The boy's dad had left his son on an idling snowmobile to go run an errand. Suddenly the machine somehow got into gear and lurched off, taking the boy with it.
The ride carried the toddler across a soybean field, over a gravel road, between two pine trees, through a snowdrift and then ended when it crashed into a home half a mile away.
The boy suffered only a jammed finger and a few bruises. By the time he was treated at a hospital, the publication says he wanted to go for another ride.
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Indiana Warden Red-Faced
It's bad enough when you lose the keys to your house or car. A little embarrassment and inconvenience and some new keys and things are back to normal. But don't try telling that to warden James Smith of the Indiana Department of Corrections.
Smith recently, according to the Merrillville (Ind.) Post-Tribune, somehow misplaced all the master keys for his facility ... a lot of keys. After an exhaustive search it was decided that the only safe thing to do was to replace the major locks and make new sets of keys, just in case.
It took days and some $53,000 to correct the situation.
During the time the locks were being changed all 2,559 inmates were put under total lockdown.
Eventually the process took more than a week to get back to normal.
Oh, by the way, the warden's wife just found the old set.
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Man Watches Animal Abuse Videos for Therapy
DUSSELDORF, Germany - A doctor became increasingly frustrated after separating from his wife, and she no longer took care of their pets.
"This meant I had to look after two dogs, two cats and a guinea pig," the man said.
To work out his aggressions, he ordered a tape over the Internet that showed animals such as mice, rats and guinea pigs being crushed to death by a woman wearing high heels.
[We have covered this very story in a previous issue of Bizarre News.]
His employer fired him when they found out what was going on. He has been found guilty of incitement to hurt animals, fined, and faces a prison sentence.
The man still claims he was merely trying to work frustrations. "My therapist thinks I used these images to get rid of my aggressions," he told the court.
The $2647 fine will be given to an animal protection charity.
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There were three morticians trading stories in a bar one night.
The first one said, "What a day I had today. A man wasn't wearing his seatbelt, and his head flew into the windshield. Took me all day to make the face look natural."
Not to be outdone, the second mortician said, "You think that's bad? I had a guy who got was hit by a train while he was riding his bike. Took me two days to put all the pieces back together!"
The third mortician just shook his head. "You guys have it easy," he said. "I had this female parachutist whose chute didn't open. She landed on a flagpole, and it took me all week just to wipe the smile off her face!"
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I had to go on a business trip the day after my honeymoon, so I decided to purchase a gift for my new wife. At an airport gift shop, I found a coffee mug imprinted with the words, "I love you" inside a beautiful red heart. Confident the mug would please my wife, I asked to have it wrapped. She beamed when I gave it to her at dinner that night, but her face fell when she saw the writing on the back of the mug. It read, "Grandpa."
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DDL
In has youth our old friend Boccaccio
Was having a girl in a patio.
When it came to the twat,
She wasn't so hot,
But, boy, was she good at fellatio!
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A Few Thoughts On Marriage
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
-- Henny Youngman
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
--Benjamin Franklin
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-- Milton Berle
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- George Burns
When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.
-- Elaine Boosler
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
-- Phyllis Diller
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Hey Martha (true)
Monday, February 11, 2002
Heinz unveils funky fries
By TODD SPANGLER-- The Associated Press
PITTSBURGH (AP) -- Kids went wild for green ketchup and slurped up purple. Just as grown-ups are getting comfortable with those unexpected hues, Heinz has more surprises on the way.
Chocolate fries with your burger?
Beginning in May, H.J. Heinz Co. will ship a new line of Ore-Ida frozen potato products called Funky Fries featuring five new shapes, colours and flavours, all intended to give kids even more say over their parents' grocery store lists.
The new products include french fries favoured with sour cream and chives, cinnamon-and-sugar Cinna-Stiks and Crunchy Rings -- basically Tater Tots with a hole in the middle.
Then there's Kool Blue, a sky blue, seasoned french fry, and brown, chocolatey Cocoa Crispers, designed "for kids with a sweet tooth."
It all started with normal market research, said John Carroll, managing director of North American potatoes and snacks for Heinz' frozen food division.
"We asked the kids what would make them want to eat more french fries," he said.
Pittsburgh-based Heinz started a year ago with 50-odd ideas (one that was rejected was Fruit Loops-flavoured fries, says Carroll) and pared them, through extensive research and testing, down to five.
If there were any doubts about the direction Heinz was taking before purple and green ketchup, they're gone now, said Leonard Teitelbaum, an analyst with Merrill Lynch.
Heinz already dominates the frozen potato product market, getting 54 cents for every dollar in sales last year, Teitelbaum said.
"If you know your target market and can make the product fun and interesting, your chances of success at least initially are pretty good," he said. "Heinz proved it once. They should be able to prove it again."