Daily Dose - 020529 - broken jaw, BIZARRE NEWS, sleeping arrangements, DDL, Hey Martha
Jim was in a terrible wreck. He was taken to the hospital where he remained comatose for two weeks and when he awoke he was ravenous. Finding the call button he rang for the nurse and asked if he could have something to eat.
She told him, "You have a broken jaw and it is wired shut. I can't think of anything that you could eat in that condition."
"Well, could I please have a cup of coffee?" Jim asked through his clenched jaw.
"We'll try," the nurse told him. "Maybe we can get a straw between your teeth."
But try as they would, it just wouldn't go. Jim grumbled and moaned and swore he was going to die without coffee until the nurse finally said, "Maybe we could give it to you in an enema."
She fixed up the syringe and began to administer it when suddenly Jim winced and drew up.
"Is it too hot?" the nurse asked.
"No, but could you please put some sugar in it?"
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BIZARRE NEWS....
Bizarre Legal Defense
URBAN SURVIVAL SYNDROME - A fear that inner-city residents have of other people in their same area. Used in a case where a black 18-year-old shot two blacks in a Fort Worth parking lot in 1993.
THE TWINKIE DEFENSE - High sugar levels caused by too much junk food consumption compounded by manic depression. Defense used by Dan White to explain why he killed city mayor George Moscone and gay board member Harvey Milk.
BLACK RAGE - A type of insanity caused by prolonged racial prejudice in the United States. Used to defend Colin Ferguson, who is black, for killing four whites and two Asian-Americans on a Long Island Railroad train.
ANAL RETENTIVENESS - When highly ambitious, hypercritical people cannot relax and don't trust others to do work assigned to them. Considered to be a defense for professionals that fail to file their income taxes on time.
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This is Not What They Meant by Extra Credit
A 27-year-old teacher's aide in suburban Chicago has been charged with having sex with a sixth-grade boy.
Prosecutors say Regina Woodson began a two-month sexual relationship with the 12-year-old last March. The Chicago Sun-Times reports that Woodson aroused the suspicion of school officials when she called the school, impersonating the child's mother.
The parents alerted police who found the boy hiding in a closet at Woodson's apartment. Woodson pleaded guilty to contributing to the delinquency of a minor, though has denied any sexual misconduct with the boy.
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Global Problem: Sex is Boring!
A team of behavior specialists recently reported that boring sex has become a "global problem."
Their research has been published in The Journal of Mundane Behavior. Included in their claims is that many women equate having sex with the humdrum activity of having someone over for a cup of tea.
The researchers discussed several reasons for the "boring" trend, citing a corresponding boom in lackluster porn as a possible symptom. Pornography today generally uses polished, perfect looking actors, while people might prefer watching "real" looking participants or amateurs.
Additionally, they cite modern living as a large contributing factor. Guest editor Kimberly Mahaffy of Millersville University wrote that "Mundane sex speaks to the 'truth' of our everyday experiences. The novelty and lust have been replaced by 'Can we do it before 10 pm?' 'Do I have to take my socks off?'
'Can I just lay here while you do the work'?
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Send Your Mother-In-Law to Hell, Literally
Not sure what to get your cantankerous mother-in-law this year for Mother's Day? How about a bouquet of fresh flowers?
Nah, too nice. Send her to Hell instead.
Beginning this weekend, the Bid-Up TV website and TV channel are accepting bids for the auction of a three-day trip to the town of Hell, Norway for one's mother-in-law.
The winner will stay in Hell's only hotel, and she should sure bundle up because temperatures can reach -20C (-4 degrees Farenheit) this time of year.
The trip is purposely only for one person because as a Bid-Up Tv spokesman says, "with two of them they might have too much fun."
This contest follows the popular auction last year to send one's mother-in-law into space. The spokesman said, "We do this every year as an alternative Mother's Day gift. We were very pleased with the amount of interest in last year's, after which a man sent his mother-in-law to Moscow space training camp and up in an aircraft to the edge of space."
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Thieves Hypnotize Man and Steal His Wallet
ROMANIA - Two women observed their prey at a Romanian park and chose a man sitting on a bench. They promised the man they would hypnotize him and then read his palm. Only they actually robbed him.
The victim was completely unaware and left in a trance until he woke up a half hour later, still on the bench. Except now, his wallet was missing.
He immediately went to the police, and they were able to arrest the two women for robbery. They are due in court soon.
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Quote of the Week
TALLAHASSEE, Fla. - Actor Alec Baldwin was enjoying the weather in the Florida capitol this week when his presence came to the attention of Governor Jeb Bush.
"He had promised he would leave the country if my brother got elected," Bush said during a stop in Orlando. "Well he's back, I guess. We'll welcome him to Tallahassee."
Baldwin fired back that he never made that statement and wasn't about to leave anyway until he had helped get Prez. Bush was out of office in 2004.
Lt. Gov. Frank Brogan got in on the discussion, saying outside the Capitol, "I haven't seen any of Alec Baldwin's work myself; I understand he's mildly talented."
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Classic Bizarre Moments from the Archives
DEMING, N.M. - This culinary curiosity made a lot radio talk shows, so you may have already heard the story.
Sadie Emerson of New Mexico recently lost her Vietnamese potbellied pig.
The miniature porker named Tiny Boo was a cherished family pet and Sadie and her 3-year-old son began searching the neighborhood for it. Much to their horror they found Tiny Boo was the guest of honor at a barbecue their neighbors were having down the street.
The mobile home owner told sheriff's deputies he shot the pig with a rifle after the animal tried to attack him. He has been accused of cruelty to animals and will appear in court.
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The new husband had booked sleeping arrangements on the train, thinking he was going to have a roomette or compartment, only to find out he was on one side of the sleeping car in an upper bunk and his wife was in the other one across from him. At about midnight, he wanted to have sex with his wife, so he said, "Hey honey! Why don't you come over here?"
His wife replied right back, "Well honey, how will I get over there?"
"Don't worry! I got something you can walk on."
In answer to that, a fellow in the lower berth said, "Yeah, but how is she going to get back?"
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DDL
There once was a priest from Bings,
whose mind was on heavenly things,
but his earthly desire
was a boy on the choir
whose ass shook like Jello on springs.
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The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody will be able to appreciate how difficult it was.
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Written above the urinal:
"No matter how you jump and dance,... The last two drops go down your pants."
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The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers.
The original meal has never been found.
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Hey Martha (true)
Monday, March 4, 2002
Carriage created for pets
ELKHART, Ind. (AP) -- Taking your precious bundle of joy out for a spin in a carriage isn't just for babies anymore.
Jim Montgomery has designed a stroller for proud pet owners who want to take their favorite ferret or cat along for a jaunt.
Montgomery originally came up with the idea when his wife wanted to take her cats along on her walks while recuperating from surgery.
Because cats don't do well on leashes, Montgomery created the Kitty Kart.
Now, the contraption also has become popular among ferret owners.
The device, basically a detachable cage on a baby stroller chassis, is being sold online as the "Fur-by-Four."
Montgomery has sold his invention to pet owners as far away as New York and China.
Sue Koehler of New York bought one for her four ferrets last year. "They hang on to the bars on the cage and look out like, 'Oh, mom, where are we going?,"' she said Monday.