Daily Dose - 020527 - John's collection

Here are some from John in Qatar's collection. (By the way - he's now in Khasakstan - the network nazis finally got him for all the "non-business related" e-mails he sent out. Let that be a lesson to us all - Hitler's spawn live !! )

Bush and Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"

The barman says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Hello, what are you guys doing?"

Bush says, "We're planning World War III"

The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Afghans this time, and one bicycle repairman."

The guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman???!"

Bush turns to Powell and whispers, "See, I told you no-one would worry about the Afghans!"

__________________________

The following are actual news excerpts from the African press in South Africa, Swaziland, Kenya and Zimbabwe.

1. The Cape Times (Cape Town)

"I have promised to keep his identity confidential,' said Jack Maxim, a spokeswoman for the Sandton Sun Hotel, Johannesburg, "but I can confirm that he is no longer in our employment. We asked him to clean the lifts and he spent four days on the job. When I asked him why, he replied: 'Well, there are forty of them, two on each floor, and sometimes some of them aren't there'. Eventually, we realised that he thought each floor had a different lift, and he'd cleaned the same two twelve times. We had to let him go. It seemed best all round. I understand he is now working for GE Lighting."

2. The Star (Johannesburg):

"The situation is absolutely under control," Transport Minister Ephraem >Magagula told the Swaziland parliament in Mbabane. "Our nation's merchant navy is perfectly safe. We just don't know where it is, that's all."
Replying to an MP's question, Minister Magagula admitted that the landlocked country had completely lost track of its only ship, the Swazimar: "We believe it is in a sea somewhere. At one time, we sent a team of men to look for it, but there was a problem with drink and they failed to find it, and so, technically, yes, we've lost it a bit. But I categorically reject all suggestions of incompetence on the part of this government. The Swazimar is a big ship painted in the sort of nice bright colours you can see at night. Mark my words, it will turn up. The right honourable gentleman opposite is a very naughty man, and he will laugh on the other side of his face when my ship comes in."

3. The Standard (Kenya):

"What is all the fuss about?" Weseka Sambu asked a hastily convened news conference at Jomo Kenyatta International Airport. "A technical hitch like this could have happened anywhere in the world. You people are not patriots. You just want to cause trouble." Sambu, a spokesman for Kenya Airways, was speaking after the cancellation of a through flight from Kisumu, via Jomo Kenyatta, to Berlin: "The forty-two passengers had boarded the plane ready for take-off, when the pilot noticed one of the tyres was flat. Kenya Airways did not possess a spare tyre, and unfortunately the airport nitrogen canister was empty. A passenger suggested taking the tyre to a petrol station for inflation, but unluckily the jack had gone missing so we couldn't get the wheel off. Our engineers tried heroically to reinflate the tyre with a bicycle pump, but had no luck, and the pilot even blew into the valve with his mouth, but he passed out. When I announced that the flight had to be abandoned, one of the passengers, Mr Mutu, suddenly struck me about the face with a life-jacket whistle and said we were a national disgrace. I told him he was being ridiculous, and that there was to be another flight in a fortnight. And, in the meantime, he would be able to enjoy thescenery around Kisumu, albeit at his own expense."

4. From a Zimbabwean newspaper:

While transporting mental patients from Harare to Bulawayo, the bus driver stopped at a roadside shebeen (beerhall) for a few beers. When he got back to his vehicle, he found it empty, with the 20 patients nowhere to be seen.Realizing the trouble he was in if the truth were uncovered, he halted his bus at the next bus stop and offered lifts to those in the queue. Letting 20 people board, he then shut the doors and drove straight to the Bulawayo mental hospital, where he hastily handed over his 'charges',warning the nurses that they were particularly excitable. Staff removed the furious passengers; it was three days later that suspicions were roused by the consistency of stories from the 20. As for the real patients: nothing more has been heard of them and they have apparently blended comfortably back into Zimbabwean society.

__________________________

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:

You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM:

You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells, the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.

The public buys your bull.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A SOUTH AFRICAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them world-wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:

You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

A HINDU CORPORATION:

You have two cows.
You worship them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:

You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

AN ISRAELI CORPORATION:

So, there are these two Jewish cows, right?
They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows.
That one on the left is kinda cute...

___________________________

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies" he responded.

"Oh! Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males and 2 females" he replied.

Intrigued, she asked "How can you tell?"

"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone" he responded.

___________________________

There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburg. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass...well endowed, gorgeous, amazing. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to titsburg..." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburg," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." So of course he also fled.

Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburg, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you."

__________________________

A woman walks into a shop that sells VERY EXPENSIVE PERSIAN RUGS. She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly.

Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now.As she turns back, there, standing next to her is a salesman.

"Good day M'am, how may we help you today ?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir how much does this rug cost?"

He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit in your pants when you hear what the price is!"