Daily Dose - 020526 - delegation of animals, BIZARRE NEWS, Moon Mission, DDL, Hey Martha
It seems that God received a delegation of animals complaining of their lot in life. There was an elephant, a giraffe, and a hen. The elephant complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS TRUNK YOU have given me. It gets in the way, and makes me look like a fool!"
The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick up food, drink water, etc. without getting wet!"
Next the giraffe complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS LONG NECK! It makes me top heavy, I get terrible neck pains, and people laugh at me!"
The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick the best fruit and leaves from the high branches, and allows you to see a distance."
The hen spoke up, "Lord, I don't want to complain, but either let me have a bigger ass or smaller eggs."
_____________________________
BIZARRE NEWS....
Bizarre Laws
PENNSYLVANIA
It is illegal to have over 16 women live in a house together because that constitutes a brothel. However up to 120 men can live together, without breaking the law.
Ministers are forbidden from performing marriages when either the bride or groom is drunk. [An all too frequent occurrence in PA, I'm sure.]
It is contrary to Pennsylvania law to discharge a gun, cannon, revolver or other explosive weapon at a wedding. [PA seems to have a lot of issue with sperm and weddings.]
A special cleaning ordinance bans housewives from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling.
You may not sing in the bathtub.
A person is not eligible to become Governor if he/she has participated in a duel.
Any motorist who sights a team of horses coming toward him must pull well off the road, cover his car with a blanket or canvas that blends with the countryside, and let the horses pass. If the horses appear skittish, the motorist must hide his car under the nearest bushes.
You may not catch a fish with your hands.
You may not catch a fish by any body part except the mouth.
********
Brit Pros Don't Want to Give Up Work to Scabs
Prostitutes and other sex workers in London will vote on Saturday whether to join one of Britain's biggest trade unions.
Members of the International Union of Sex Workers are expected to support the move to become affiliated to the GMB, which would give them mainstream union recognition for the first time.
"We're trying to remove the stigma against sex work and sex workers." said Ana Lopes, the International Union of Sex Worker's secretary.
Britain's sex industry is big business and embraces thousands of sex workers, including prostitutes and sex-line telephone operators. [Thanks to www.bbc.co.uk]
********
Diaper Clad Burglar Cries For Mama When Busted
VIRGINIA - Can you say goo-goo-goofball?
Robert Alan Woods was arrested after breaking into his neighbor's house and waiting in her bed wearing nothing but a bib and diaper.
When his neighbor returned home and found him in bed, the 30-year-old Virginia man apologized and started getting dressed. Woods admitted to police he gets sexual pleasure from dressing and acting like a baby and says he is sorry for what he did.
According to court records Woods already faces two other parole hearings for burglary and diaper-wearing. Judge Jonathan Apgar has ordered Woods to undergo a psychological evaluation before sentencing in this case.
*********
Chocolate No Longer Goes Straight To Hips...
MILAN, Italy - Move over edible undies, there's a new garment in town that's sure to cure any sweet tooth!
A new Godiva chocolate bra was unveiled at Fashion Week in Milan, Italy last Tuesday.
The makers have told reporters that they aren't sure who is likely to buy the new garment. However, they did say one thing is for sure; you can only wear it once, and it probably won't hold up in hot weather.
*********
Feeding Time at the Local High School
LEON, Kansas - It's feeding time at the zoo. Or, rather, it was feeding time for two boa constrictors at Bluestem High School that recently caused a raucous.
Biology teacher Matthew Patton routinely kept his two pet boas in his classroom and often fed them in front of students so they could learn how serpents eat something larger than they are. Everything turned into chaos when school board member Davy Harkins (who also runs an animal clinic) gave Patton three puppies.
The puppies were going to be euthanized, so Harkins figured it would be more productive to have Patton serve them as dinner for the boas.
Students were in tears when their teacher wanted to feed the puppies to the boas, and the school was in an uproar. The school stepped in and stopped the feeding just in time.
Meanwhile, Principal Dale Harper indicates that some people want the biology teacher fired.
"When you have soft cuddly puppies...there are people who get real concerned," he said.
**********
Drug Traffickers Hide Pot Shipment in Yams
MIAMI, Florida - A ship called "Seaboard Express" caused quite a stir this week when drug-sniffing dogs alerted Customs inspectors to its container shipment.
The shipment came from Jamaica, the leading producer and exporter of marijuana in the Caribbean, so it almost came as no surprise when officials discovered the substance in a container of yams.
What was surprising, though, was the overall value.
More than 100 boxes of yams contained pot, worth a staggering $4 million.
***********
Classic Bizarre Moments from the Archives
DENVER, Colorado - Angry wife Della Drimland has filed for divorce after finding out her husband of seven years had been faking being deaf and dumb.
In recently filed court papers, husband Bill had admitted to the ruse to escape incessant nagging from his wife. He figured she would stop her nagging once he turned deaf.
_____________________________
Moon Mission
NASA is launching a rocket to the moon. On board there are two pigs and Kiki, a stunning blond.
When the rocket is outside the stratosphere, the first stage drops off. Contact is made: "Houston here, Pig 1, Pig 1, do you read us? Over."
"Oink, oink, here Pig 1, read you loud and clear."
"Pig 1, do you still know your instructions?"
"Yes, when we get to the moon, I press the red button to initiate the moon landing. Over."
"That's right. Over and out."
They go on until the rocket separates its booster stage. "Hello, Pig 2? Come in please."
"Oink, oink, here Pig 2, read you loud and clear."
"OK, Pig 2 do you remember your instructions?"
"Yes, when we've landed on the moon and are ready to leave, I press on the green button to initiate the launch program."
"That's right, Pig 2. Over and out."
An hour later, when the rocket has achieved the correct speed the last stage drops off as planned. Ground control contacts the astronauts again. "Houston here, Kiki, come in. Kiki do you read us?"
"Kiki here, reading you loud and clear."
"Kiki, do you remember your instructions?"
"Yes," Kiki says, "I feed the two pigs and keep my hands off any buttons."
______________________________
DDL
"It's my code," says a mailman named Drew,
"To unzip, then deliver a screw.
If virgins, when nervous,
Resist postal service,
I explain that the male must get through."
______________________________
"Life was so much easier when your clothes didn't match and boys had cooties!"
-Unknown
***
"I fall in love really quickly and this scares guys away. I'm like, 'I'm in love with you, I want to marry you, I want to move in with you!' And they're like, 'Ma'am, just give me the ten bucks for the pizza and I'm outta here.'"
--Penny Wiggins
***
"Marriage is a rough thing because you've got to open yourself up, take somebody into your private areas, your little cavern that only you have been in so they can go, 'This is a mess.' 'That's my emotions, honey.' 'Well, rearrange it, so it suits me'"
-Warren Hutcherson
______________________________
Hey Martha (true)
Monday, July 30, 2001
Woman saves dog
...then goes to Disney World
CHAPEL HILL, N.C. (AP) -- Yumecia "Meci" Currie had a choice. She could use the $1,000 she and her grandmother had saved for a trip to Disney World or spend it to try to save the ailing dog she had just adopted from a shelter.
Despite knowing that her dog, a golden retriever named Blondie, stood just a 50 percent chance of survival even with medical treatment, Meci chose in March to use the money for veterinarian bills.
Now, she's being rewarded.
In June, an anonymous donor helped the Orange County Animal Control and Animal Protection Society write Meci a check for $1,000 so she could go on her trip to Disney World after all.
Midway Airlines is giving Meci and her grandmother, Wanda Currie, two free tickets to Orlando, Fla. Walt Disney World has also jumped onboard, giving them two two-day passes to the parks and planning other special activities for them.
The two plan to make the trip in early August, Wanda Currie said.
"We're just so happy. We're just so grateful. I'm touched by people being touched," Wanda Currie said.
Blondie now weighs more than 50 pounds, is healthy and is learning new tricks, such as catching a treat.