Daily Dose - 020520 - kiss my foot, BIZARRE NEWS, honeymooner, Army Nurse Corps, DDL, Hey Martha
A well-dressed business man was walking down the street when a rough-looking little kid stopped him and asked, "Sir, can you tell me the time?"
The gentleman carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, "It is a quarter to three, young man."
"Thanks," said the boy. "At exactly three o'clock you can kiss my foot!"
With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him. He had not been running long when an old friend stopped him.
"Why are you running to like a maniac?" asked the friend.
Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, "That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his foot!"
"So what's your hurry," said the friend, looking at his own watch. "You still have twelve minutes."
______________________
BIZARRE NEWS
Bizarre Holidays
MARCH
March is... National Furniture Refinishing Month
March 4 is... Holy Experiment Day
March 5 is... Multiple Personalities Day
March 7 is... National Crown Roast Of Pork Day
March 8 is... Be Nasty Day
March 9 is... Panic Day
March 10 is... Festival Of Life In The Cracks Day
March 11 is... Worship of Tools Day
March 15 is... Buzzard's Day and Everything You Think Is Wrong Day
March 20 is... Festival Of Extraterrestrial Abductions Day
March 22 is... National Goof-off Day
March 18 is... Supreme Sacrifice Day
March 22 is... National Goof-off Day
March 27 is... National "Joe" Day
March 28 is... Something On A Stick Day
March 31 is... Bunsen Burner Day
*******
"Lizard Lady" Charged: Assault with a Reptile
LONDON, England - Susan Wallace, also known as the "Lizard Lady," was recently asked to leave a bar after she put her three-foot-long pet iguana on the heads of fellow drinkers.
When doorman John Rosenthal asked her to vacate the premises, he said, "All of a sudden she threw the lizard and it hit me on the side of the head. Then she tried to take a kick at me. I closed the door and then she lashed out and smashed one of the windows."
According to police, Wallace arrived at the police station with what they thought was a colorful scarf around her neck. The "scarf" was actually Igwig, the iguana, and she reportedly threw the reptile at them.
Wallace has a different version of the events. She insists she would never throw her pet and that Igwig must of jumped to defend her.
Wallace has since been convicted of two animal cruelty charges and will be sentenced in April for criminal damage to the pub's window.
********
En garde!
MADEIRA BEACH, Fla. - A Florida fisherman is recovering after being stabbed with the bill of a swordfish during a fight with another man, a sheriff's spokeswoman said.
Police arrested Frank Ashmus, 46, and Garth Spacek, 42, after the two fishermen allegedly started fighting near a dock in Madeira Beach. Police said that after Spacek hit Ashmus in the head with a beer bottle and left, Ashmus went to Spacek's apartment and stabbed him in the abdomen with a sharp detached swordfish bill.
Both men were drunk, according to police.
Moosama Bin Laden Escapes Slaughter
CAMP WASHINGTON, Ohio - On her way to meet her maker, a rebellious cow chose the road less traveled. Just as she was headed for the slaughterhouse, the cow jumped a 6-foot fence and has since disappeared.
A local radio station has started calling the bovine "Moosama Bin Laden".
When the cow comes home, however, she will face a brighter future. Former Cincinnati Reds owner Marge Schott has officially welcomed the cow to her premises after her capture.
Schott already has 30 cows and a bull on her property, and said, "Oh, honey, I just want to see the thing have a home. She can come to Indian Hill and be happy."
Additionally, the now famous cow will receive a starring role in the Fifth Third Bank's "Holy Cow" ad campaign. That's definitely a better fate than starring in a .99 value menu.
********
Lookie Ya'll - Ole Willie's Back
OREGON - The manhunt for an Oregon double-homicide suspect came to an abrupt end Saturday night when the 45-year-old man drove his pickup truck through the doors of the Grant County Jail and then waited to be arrested.
Almerson "Willie" Hinton, 45, surrendered without resistance after he drove up the wheelchair ramp and into a hallway of the jail in Canyon City, then backed out.
No one was injured although the pickup took out a soda machine inside the jail.
Hinton was being sought by dozens of law enforcement officers for a week following the shooting deaths of his parents and a car chase during which several shots were fired and an Oregon State Police detective was wounded.
He had disappeared into the woods and authorities feared his skills as a woodsman would allow him to elude capture for a long period of time.
*********
England's Drunkards, Take II
ENGLAND - A drunken English man was on his way home from a pub when he fell head first down a four-foot manhole. Luckily, two residents saw the accident and immediately reported it.
Though the man might have been to drunk to remember anything, he'll likely have bruises after the hangover wears off.
According to firefighter Stephen Jackson, the man was fortunate that someone saw him fall because he could have died of hypothermia.
Jackson told a local paper, "If they had not seen him, he would probably have stayed there all night and died of hypothermia. We managed to get a strap around him and pull him to the edge of the hole. Once the ambulance arrived, we slid him on to a spinal board and he was taken to the hospital. He was a big man. It took five or six of us to lift him out. When he fell in, he became stuck between a pipe and the side of the excavation."
____________________________
You may have heard about a new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner.
So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.
He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"
______________________
During basic training for the Army Nurse Corps, we were required to spend one week in the field roughing it. It rained the entire week. We arose daily in our swampy tent, took a cold-water beauty bath from our helmets, donned our pistol belts and ponchos, and trudged through the mud to set up field hospitals. Obviously, our personal appearance frequently left much to be desired.
The final blow to our feminine pride occurred while we waited in the mess line in the mud and rain. A young private came by with a camera and asked to take our picture. "It will prove to my girl," he said, "that she has NO reason to be jealous!"
______________________
DDL
A girl from Shanghai had a ball
With the whole Eighth Army last fall.
She was screwed, with a smile,
Seven times every mile,
The full length of the Chinese Great Wall.
________________________
Battle of Sexes shorts
If a man says something in the middle of a forest and there isn't a woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
________________________
By the time you swear you're his,
Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his passion is Infinite, undying
- Lady make note of this:
One of you is lying.
- Dorothy Parker 'Unfortunate Coincidence'
________________________
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
________________________
Hey Martha (true)
Friday, March 1, 2002
This is what it sounds like when doves die
Quebec population minister and friends kill 18,000 birds during trip to Argentina
By ALEXANDER PANETTA-- The Canadian Press
BEAUPRE, Que. (CP) -- Quebec's population minister created a flap Friday when he admitted he and some buddies recently killed 18,000 doves and pigeons during a hunting trip in Argentina.
But Remy Trudel says he was actually helping Argentina by reducing its pesky feathered population.
"There are 20 million birds hurting the agriculture of Argentina," Trudel told reporters after the story was splashed over the front page of Friday's Le Journal de Quebec.
"The hunt was done within the rules of the country and environment."
Trudel's group of eight killed about 18,000 doves, pigeons and turtle doves during its six-day trip to Argentina's Cordoba Valley.
"They're really easy to kill," he told Le Journal. "In fact, it's more shooting than hunting.
"It might seem like a lot, but I always hunt with respect for the environment."
Trudel said he and his pals ate some of the birds and gave the rest to area residents.
The Cordoba Valley is well-known worldwide as a goldmine for bird hunters.
"On a typical day, shooters will fire anywhere from 1,000 to 2,000 shot shells," says the Web site www.argentinadovehunting.com.
Another Web site states "high-volume, no-limit hunts for dove can be booked year-round."
"There's no seasons or limits on doves in Argentina, where birds are considered pests by local farmers," says one site.
The population also reproduces several times a year.
But one animal activist told Le Journal hunting is a "cruel and inefficient" way to eliminate pests, and that the best method is to introduce natural predators into the wildlife.
Trudel says he has loved hunting since growing up in western Quebec's rural Abitibi region.
Reaction to his trip, however, has "made him think."