Daily Dose - 020519 - very drunk man, Rotten News, look natural, slot machines, DDL, Hey Martha

A very drunk man goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender serves him and asks him if he would like to try the bar game of darts. Three in the bullseye and win a prize.. Only a dollar for three darts.

The drunk agrees and throws the first dart. A bullseye!! He downs another drink, takes aim on wobbly feet, lets go...Two bulls eyes!!!! Two more quick drinks go down. Barely able to stand, he lets go of the last dart.

Three bulls eyes!!!

All are astounded. No one has ever won before. The bartender searches for a prize... grabs a turtle from the bar's terrarium and presents it to the drunk as his prize.

Three weeks pass... The drunk returns and orders more drinks, then announces he would like to try the dart game again. To the total amazement and wonderment of all the local drunks, he scores three more bulls eyes and demands his prize.

The bartender, being a sort of drunk himself, and a bit short of memory, doesn't know what to give, so he asks the drunk "Say, what did you win the last time?"

And the drunk responds, "A roast beef sandwich on a hard roll!"

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Rotten News.... (true)

Wanted Sex Offender Blames Police Slowness for Frostbite Amputations

Thursday, February 28, 2002

BANGOR, Maine — No good pursuit goes unpunished; at least for a detective in Maine.

A wanted Florida sex offender who fled into the Maine woods and got lost said he had to have several toes amputated due to frostbite because authorities were slow in apprehending him.

Harvey Taylor, 48, spent at least three nights in the snowy woods in Mattawamkeag after running from a Penobscot County Sheriff's detective a few weeks ago.

Taylor now threatens to sue the detective.

"If he had done his job properly I wouldn't be in the condition that I'm in right now," Taylor told the Bangor Daily News in a telephone interview Tuesday from his room at St. Joseph Hospital. "I would have been in jail that very same day."

Taylor said he lost toes on his left foot.

A hospital spokesman declined to comment on his condition.

Chief Deputy Glenn Ross of the sheriff's office said the complaining convict is wanted in Brevard County, Fla., for probation violations linked to his convictions for sexual offenses involving a minor child.

Detective Timothy Jameson was assigned the case after authorities learned that Taylor, who had been living in Maine under an alias, was reported in Mattawamkeag.

Jameson met there with Taylor on Feb. 6. Taylor was arrested by police and wardens Feb. 11 after his ordeal in the woods.

Taylor said he had no idea Jameson was a detective.

"I thought he was a nut," Taylor said. "When he opened his coat a little bit I took for granted he was trying to show me, 'Hey, I got a gun.' I took off running and he chased me until I got to the side of the woods."

Ross said the detective opened his coat to show his badge, but Taylor refused to identify himself and jumped into a car driven by another person and left.

The detective called for assistance and pursued the vehicle in his cruiser before Taylor jumped out of the car and ran into the woods, Ross said.

Jameson followed Taylor's tracks a few hundred yards into the woods, but could not find Taylor. Ross said police patrolled the area and sent out an alert to other agencies.

Taylor said he got lost and spent three nights in the woods where snow was knee and hip deep. An ice storm hit the first night and it later snowed, he said.

Taylor said he followed a bird out of the woods, then went to a Mattawamkeag residence, where police and wardens came the following day.

"I didn't run. I couldn't," said Taylor.

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Woman gets 5 years for biting off nipple

[Singapore, March 19] - A woman who bit off the nipple of her Indonesian maid has been sentenced to five years in jail - Singapore's stiffest sentence yet for maid abuse. And the judge rejected an argument that chronic depression had led the boss to commit cruel acts.

The district judge, Wong Keen Oon, said that biting the 19-year-old woman's breasts until one nipple fell off was "obviously aimed at inflicting the most extreme form of humiliation on the maid".

Wong rejected the argument that chronic depression led 30-year-old Chow Yen Ping to commit cruel acts of which she was not aware.

Kusmirah Mujadi, who would have difficulty breastfeeding on one side in the future, also has permanent scars all over her body from burns and cuts, Wong said. The maid is now under the care of the Indonesian Embassy.

The court heard testimony that the abuse took place from March to October 2001 at Chow's flat. Chow, who worked as a customer-relations officer at a private hospital, would flare up and turn violent when she was unhappy with Kusmirah's work, the court was told.

Wong said half the sentence stemmed from the most brutal of Chow's 10 offences, repeatedly biting Kusmirah on the breast and nipple in September. On other occasions, Chow placed a heated metal rack from the oven on the maid's wrist, stabbed her thighs with a pair of scissors, used the back of a chopper to hit Kusmirah's head and scratched her face with a knife.

Wong noted reports from two psychiatrists showed that Chow was not of unsound mind when she committed the offences and was well aware of what she was doing although she suffered from depression. Chow turned the maid into a "victim whom she had almost complete authority over" for eight months, Wong said.

[Sapa-DP]

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It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father.

"Let's try to make this look natural," she said. "Junior, put your arm around your dad's shoulder."

The father answered, "If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand on my wallet?"

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I was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was my first time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the machines operated.

"Excuse me." I said to a casino employee. "How does this work?"

The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate the release handle. "And where does the money come out?" I asked.

He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying, "Usually at the ATM."

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DDL

An unfortunate lad from Madrid
Had both Super-Ego and Id,
So whether he screwed,
Or completely eschewed,
He felt guilty, whatever he did.

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NEW AFGHAN TOWNS

Since U.S. B-52's started reorganizing Afghanistan's landscape, U.S. intelligence has discovered that the Taliban had renamed some of their towns to confuse us.

These new names include:

1) Wherz-myroof

2) Mykamel-izded

3) Oshit-Disisabad

4) Waddi -El-Izgowinon

5) Pleez-Ztopdishit

6) Kizz-Yerass-Goodbi

7) Ikantstan-Disnomore

8) Wha-Tafuk-Wazi-Tinkin

9) Myturbin-Izburnin

10) Imma-Dedshmuck

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Hey Martha (true)

Wednesday, January 30, 2002

Artist lives in a fish bowl

SALINA, Kan. (AP) -- Adam Zaretsky knows what it's like to live in a fish bowl: He's on exhibit at the zoo.

Zaretsky's known as "Zed, species Homo sapiens," in the "Workhorse Zoo" exhibit. His home is an 8-by-8-foot glass room he shares with albino frogs, families of mice, microscopic worms and yeast.

Zaretsky, a 33-year-old San Francisco conceptual artist, says the display is a combination of art and science. He hopes it will get people thinking about their relationships with other living things.

"I'm actually trying to blur the boundary between what is human culture and what is reality," Zaretsky said, while stretched out on an ambulance gurney that he uses for a bed.

Julia Reodica, who was Zaretsky's teaching assistant while he served as a visiting professor at San Francisco State University, is the zookeeper.

"As a serious researcher, I am finding Zed temperamental and unpredictable," observed Reodica, clad in a Boy Scout uniform with long, zip-up black go-go boots. "When agitated, he throws rubbish against the windows."

Zaretsky received a $20,000 grant to stage his weeklong exhibit.