Daily Dose - 020518 - the way Mommy does it, BIZARRE NEWS, windbreaker, new computer, DDL, Hey Martha
A man went to the store with his 3-year-old daughter in tow. Since he was just there to grab some essentials like milk and bread, he opted to save some time by not pushing a cart around the store.
"That's not the way Mommy does it," his daughter informed him.
"I know, dear, but Daddy's way is OK, too," he replied.
Leaving the store in the rain and without a cart, he carried the bag of groceries, his daughter, and the milk quickly to the car. Not wanting to set anything down on the wet ground, he set the jug of milk on top of the car, efficiently whisked open the car door with his now free hand, scooted the groceries in and set his daughter into the car seat in one swift motion. Then he hopped in himself.
"That's not the way Mommy does it," his daughter informed him again.
"Honey, there's more than one way to do things," he replied patiently. "Daddy's way is OK, too."
As they pulled out and headed down the street, he became aware of the scraping sound on the roof as the jug of milk slid down the length of the rooftop, bounced off the trunk of the car and splattered to the ground, sending a froth of white milk in every direction.
In the millisecond he took to process his mistake, his young daughter looked at him, and in a most serious voice said, "That's NOT the way Mommy does it."
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BIZARRE NEWS....
Bizarre Aphrodisiac Foods
Carmen, the editor of our Great Sexpectations newsletter, sent me the following list of aphrodisiacs. Last week she featured erotic foods and had uncovered these unlikely delicacies for getting you "in the mood."
Alligator
Bear's Paws
Celery
Cuttlefish (fried)
Duck Beak
Frog's Legs
Fruit Bat (curried) [How else would you eat it?]
Garlic
Ginger
Parsnips
Pig's Trotters [At "trotter" is an animal's foot.]
Prunes
Rattlesnakes
Snails
Spinach
Termites
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Burning Desire to Urinate Leaves Man in the Hot Seat
TALLAHASSEE, Florida - The fact that one's trousers usually doesn't make a suitable ashtray should be obvious to even the most casual observer. However, it apparently slipped by this Florida man.
Carl Franklin reportedly stuck a burning cigarette in his pocket while urinating in a public place.
When a policeman yelled at him to stop Franklin took off running. Tallahassee Police Officer Seth Stoughton chased after Franklin, yelling for him to hit the ground, as his pants began smoldering.
Franklin kept going - until his trousers slipped from his grasp and dropped at his feet.
He took a tumble, and Stoughton dived on top of him, slapping at the fire. Franklin was still trying to get away, punching and kicking, until another officer arrived and completely pulled off the burning pants.
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Burglar Calls Victim for Pin Numbers
GRIMSBY, United Kingdom - What good are bank cards without the appropriate pin numbers and access codes? Absolutely no good.
After a burglar stole a woman's purse containing bank cards, he couldn't make use of them without the pin numbers. The thief did what anyone else would have done: he phoned the victim for her code.
The woman refused, of course, and the burglar was unable to obtain any funds.
PC Ron Harrison told the local newspaper that he warns "people never to disclose their bank details over the phone."
Because we would have never thought of that.
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Snakeskin Belt Nothing to Hiss At
GLASGOW - An air passenger's snakeskin belt suddenly took on a life of its own in a Glasgow terminal last week.
Customs officers routinely checking a young woman traveling between America and Holland, were astonished when the belt began moving. The belt was a live snake - harmless as it turned out - which had been chilled prior to the flight to keep it comatose but which had thawed out in the heat of the terminal.
The reptile was confiscated and the woman warned before being sent on her way.
Bizarrely enough, the worldwide illegal trade in wildlife is now second only to drugs in terms of international crime.
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Zoo Gives Mourning Tapir a VCR and Tapes of Homeland
ENGLAND - There's nothing sadder than the death of a loved one. When Debbie's mate Sonny died last year, she immediately became depressed and would just sit in a corner.
In this case, Debbie is a South American tapir at the Twycross Zoo in Leicestershire, England.
According to Debbie's zoo keeper, John Ray, she stopped eating and became despondent. To help her recover, zoo officials have placed a television and VCR in her cage, and they repeatedly play videos of her native Amazonian rain forest.
Apparently, the videos have helped so much that Debbie has become a bit of an addict. "She perked up as soon as she heard the calls and bird noises and has watched the same footage again and again. As soon as the tape stops she starts making a fuss to let us know it needs rewinding. She just sits there transfixed by the screen," said Ray.
There's an even brighter future ahead for Debbie: the zoo is about to obtain a new boyfriend for her. The keeper added, "We are sure the chap we found will bring real happiness."
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Thick Skinned Man Survives Shooting
SANTIAGO, Chile - Having a "spare tire" was a good thing for Omar Alegria Campos after he was shot in the stomach by an attacker.
The 33-year-old man apparently was driving his bus in the San Bernardo area of Santiago when an armed man got on and started robbing passengers. Alegria stopped the bus and switched on his emergency lights to alert the police.
He then tried to grab the man's weapon. The attacker fired twice, the first bullet smashed the windshield and the second lodged in the bus driver's stomach.
Alegria still managed to throw himself on top of the robber to prevent him from escaping.
Doctors say the bullet lodged in the man's fat and did not damage any vital organs. A thinner person would surely have been killed.
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Classic Bizarre Moments from the Archives
A Mexican jail warden fell to his death while spying on a couple during their conjugal visit.
Raul Zarate Diaz came crashing down next to a Nicaraguan prisoner and his wife while they were having sex.
Apparently he tripped on a skylight overlooking the conjugal visits section, La Cronica newspaper and InfoRed radio said. According to local law enforcement sources the warden had with him binoculars and a pornographic magazine.
An official answering the phone at the prison said that police were investigating but refused to provide further details.
The prisoner who was interrupted attempted to start a riot, but the intent was squelched by prison security.
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While interviewing a prospective Minister of Education over lunch, one of the ladies on the committee at my end of the table was sharing the following.
Her husband was an avid bicycler. She was sharing that he loved to race in bicycle races and that when he raced, he loved to race in the second position. Trying to explain why he did this almost broke up our luncheon. She meant to use the term "drafting", the technical term for allowing the person in front of him to block the wind on him - allowing him to work less as he raced and conserve his energy.
However, this is what she actually said. "My husband loves to race in the second position. That way, he can make the person in front of him break wind."
Most of the committtee was under the table. I was trying to maintain what little minsterial decorum I had left. The people at the other end of the table were asking why we were laughing so loud - with no explanation ever given. (p.s. - The Minister of Education came and some of the committee members gave the lady a special Christmas gift that year - a "windbreaker".)
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Officers at a military installation were being lectured about a new computer. The training officer said the computer was able to withstand nuclear and chemical attacks.
Suddenly, he saw that one of the officers had a cup of coffee and yelled, "There will be no eating or drinking in this room! You'll have to get rid of that coffee."
The officer said meekly, "Sure, but why?"
"Because a coffee spill could ruin the keyboard."
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DDL
There was an aesthetic young miss,
Who thought it the acme of bliss,
To jazz herself silly,
With the stem of a lily,
Then go to the garden and piss!
To her gardener, a lady called Liliom,
Said: 'Billy, plant roses and trillium.'
Then she started to fool
With the gardener's tool,
And wound up in the bed of Sweet William.
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I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot. It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there: They have no wife to go home to... or they do
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You think Oedipus had a problem? Think about this one: Adam was Eve's mother
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Vacuuming is so much more fun when the hamsters are loose
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Hey Martha (true)
Thursday, March 7, 2002
Sidney, Neb. declared 'itchiest' U.S. city
SIDNEY, Neb. (AP) -- People in this western Nebraska city were left scratching their heads over a recent bit of recognition.
This city of about 6,000 people has knocked Denver out of the top spot as the "itchiest" city in the country, according to the Lanacane Dry Itchy Skin Index. The February study placed Goodland, Kan., second, followed by the Colorado cities of Colorado Springs, Denver and Pueblo.
"It's a safe bet you won't see us putting up a sign saying Welcome To The Itchiest City In America,"' Sidney city manager Gary Person said with a laugh.
The itch index was created by the University of Delaware's Center for Climatic Research and Lanacane, a manufacturer of lotions and skin cremes. The itchiest cities are usually in mountainous areas and the high plains, where dry winds and heavy use of heating systems rob skin of its moisture.
But a dry climate has its advantages, Person said. The lack of humidity makes for mild summer evenings and winters don't seem as bitter. Besides, Person said he's never heard anyone complain about the dry climate during his 25 years in Sidney.
"I don't see that many wrinkled people running around here," he said.