Daily Dose - 020515 - SISTER MARGARET, BIZARRE NEWS, wedding anniversary, only humans stutter, DDL, Hey Martha
SISTER MARGARET
Sister Margaret had been a model nun all her life, but then she was called to her reward. As she approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter said, "Hold on, Sister Margaret...not so fast!"
"But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord. From the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the convent to my dying breath...I have lived for this moment!" Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief.
"That is just the problem...you never learned right from wrong and to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong," replied St. Peter.
"Well, what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven!" Sister Margaret pleaded.
"I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get here, I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished...we will discuss your situation then," ordered St. Peter.
Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then called St. Peter coughing and hacking.
"Saint Peter" she gasped, "I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up."
"Good!" replied the old saint, "Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me immediately."
Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter shortly after taking several belts of Jack Daniels. "Saint Peter...I feel woozy...that vile liquid burned my throat and nauseated me..it is all I can do to keep it down."
"Good...good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong" said St. Peter with delight. "Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense, then call me."
A week later, Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message: "Hello, Pete...it's Peggy...It's gonna be a while!"
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BIZARRE NEWS....
Bizarre Court Statements
"I object to your calling me a person, your honor."
[Rodney Skurdal in 1996 when asked by a federal magistrate if he had the right person before him.]
"What are you talking about, some 'witness,' man, There was only me and her in the store."
[Blurted out by a defendant in objection to testimony by a police officer who accidentally used the term "witness" instead of victim.]
"I enjoyed drinking while driving. It's one of the most pleasurable habits I've had.
[Steven L. Johnson explaining his situation to the judge who had sentenced him to two years in prison.]
"I sued for $2,500 and the judge gave me $837.29. I don't think he realizes how much a girl's hair means to her.
[Lauryl Boyer on the award she received for a bad perm.]
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Air Passengers Safe in Federal Govs. Capable Hands
LOUISVILLE - According to the FAA, passengers had to go back through security at Louisville International Airport before boarding their planes on Tuesday because a security screener had fallen asleep on the job.
The federal government took over security at the nation's airports on Sunday and one security screener figured that by day two he had accumulated enough seniority to earn himself a little nap. While he was romping happily in dream land as many as 1000 potential terrorists filed past his station.
One American Airline flight that had pulled away from the gate had to be brought back and emptied. Twenty to twenty-five planes were delayed during the re-screening.
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Cleaning Lady Polishes Up On Bomb Disarmament Procedures
DUSHANBE - It was a clean sweep for a business center in Tajikistan's capital when a woman accidentally defused a time-bomb while tidying up.
The cleaning lady apparently moved a package to clean a floor in the nine-story building when a clockwork detonator fell out of the package. Even though the device contained powerful sticks of TNT, the detonator went off harmlessly, the fall having apparently damaged it.
It was not mentioned if there were any leads in the attempted bombing, but reports show that the state has remained volatile after a civil war 1992-97.
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Man Steals Van to Get to Court on Time
NEW ZEALAND - What's a man to do when he's pressed for time and wanted in court?
With no official method of transportation, 18-year-old Houlyo Steven Regan decided to steal a van in order to make his court date on time.
He had just pushed a vehicle out of a motel yard and was trying to start it when police caught him in the act. He tried explaining to the cops that he was on his way to court, but has since been charged with an additional five months in prison for the theft.
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Sinatra's "My Way" Invokes Serious Karaoke Brawls
MANILA, Philippines - A Filipino man was shot and killed and his friend wounded outside a karaoke bar after they jeeringly applauded a student singing Frank Sinatra's "My Way."
The 21-year-old student reportedly felt insulted when the two men sarcastically applauded, and a brief fight ensued inside the premises until the victims left.
They were immediately ambushed outside the bar, and one was killed. The other remains seriously wounded, and the student was later arrested.
This isn't the first tragic incident after a patron's version of "My Way." In fact, many Philippine bars have removed the song from the playlist due to constant brawls, especially among drunken men.
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Street-smart Girl Escapes From Trunk
A 14-year-old Livermore, Calif., teenager has her dad and a cool head to thank after successfully getting away from a would-be abductor.
The San Francisco Chronicle says that the girl was forced into the trunk of a Jaguar by a man who wanted to "get a closer look at her fingernails." She was reportedly abducted early Wednesday morning while walking to school.
Remembering an odd conversation with her father, some years before, about how to get out of a car's trunk, she began pulling wires and tugging at metal. Soon she was able to get the lid unlocked. But, remembering more of her dad's instructions, she didn't let the lid open enough for the driver to know what was happening.
Swinging an arm out of the partially open trunk lid garnered enough attention that someone phoned 911 and turned in a description of the car and its license number.
When the car eventually slowed at an intersection the girl jumped out and was rescued by a passing motorist.
The suspect in the kidnapping was arrested 30 minutes or so later.
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David was a crotchety old fellow who always took breakfast with his wife. He would read the morning paper while she fumed at his neglect, and today of all days because it was their 25th wedding anniversary.
"David!! David!! Put down that paper and let's talk about how we are going to celebrate our wedding anniversary today. What do you suggest?"
David put his newspaper down, removed and polished his glasses, stared for a moment into the distance, then said, "How about two minutes of silence?"
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Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class,and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.
Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.
"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.
"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "FUCK OFF!", the dog ate him!"
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DDL
We all know that tampons are spongey
And oftentimes get rather grungy
But why they have strings
Among other things
Is so that the crabs can all bungee.
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Les Price, a 20 stone rugby union fan, who booked two seats to accommodate his bulk on an Air Lingus flight from Cork to Heathrow found when he boarded that the seats were in different rows and on opposite sides of the aisle.
Price said: "I know I'm big, but I'm not that big."
[If anybody's interested, 1 Stone is equivalent to approx. 14.3 pounds (or 6.5 kilos).]
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"An intellectual snob is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of The Lone Ranger."
-Dan Rather
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"In America any boy may become President and I suppose it's just one of the risks he takes."
-Adlai Stevenson
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Hey Martha (true)
Wednesday, July 11, 2001
Policemen fire 20 rounds at each other
SEATTLE (AP) -- Police officers in two cars fired more than 20 rounds at each other after mistaking each other's vehicles for a stolen patrol car. Nobody was hurt.
Police spokeswoman Pam St. John said it happened Tuesday when a bicycle patrol officer in downtown Seattle reported seeing a stolen patrol vehicle.
A police car pursued it, but lost sight of the stolen vehicle after stopping briefly at an intersection to check for other vehicles.
That's when the other police car pulled up and, mistaking it for the stolen police car, rammed it.
The officers inside thought they were being attacked and started firing. Three officers -- two in one car and one in the other -- fired more than 20 rounds before they discovered the error, St. John said.
Zachary Davis, 18, was arrested after he returned the stolen car to a police parking lot, said police spokeswoman Pam McCammon. Davis was jailed for investigation of auto theft, eluding police and impersonating an officer.