<head>
<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=windows-1252">
</head>
<P>Daily Dose - 020514 - WEIRD CHURCH LESSON, Rotten News, WHAT YOUR CAR SAYS ABOUT YOU, DDL, Hey Martha
</P>
<P>WEIRD CHURCH LESSON
</P>
<P>A recently ordained Irish priest was traveling to his new parish.  As he drove down the lane, he saw a man in a ditch screwing a sheep.  The young priest shuddered, offering a prayer, and crossed himself.
</P>
<P>A few miles down the road he saw another man in the fields also frenziedly screwing a sheep.  Appalled at having witnessed a second case of bestiality in less than an hour, he whispered several prayers, crossed himself fervently, and drove on.
</P>
<P>Finally, on the outskirts of town, he caught sight of a man leaning against a tree and masturbating enthusiastically.  Then and there the young priest decided grimly on the topic of his first sermon.
</P>
<P>&quot;As I approached this fair town,&quot; he began that Sunday, &quot;I witnessed three abominations.  First, on the roadside a man committing an unnatural act with a sheep!  Shortly thereafter was another man in a field committing the same vile act with yet another sheep!  And third, at the very outskirts of this town, a man was committing an abomination with himself!&quot;
</P>
<P>A voice spoke up from the back of the church.
</P>
<P>&quot;Aye, that'll be old Paddy Fitzpatrick.  He never could catch a sheep....&quot;
</P>
<P>____________________________
</P>
<P>Rotten News...  (true)<BR>
<BR>
</P>
<P>Politician attacks tampon tax <BR>
Last Updated Fri, 08 Mar 2002 15:29:38 
</P>
<P>TORONTO - An Ontario MPP is calling on the federal government to get rid of the GST on feminine hygiene products. 
</P>
<P>Marilyn Churley says the average women spends about $350 in her lifetime in taxes on items like tampons, sanitary pads, menstrual sponges and cups. &quot;Government has no business taxing women for being women. We want to end the gender tax on womanhood.&quot; 
</P>
<P>The NDP member is raising the issue on International Women's Day because she says the tax discriminates against women. 
</P>
<P>She's calling on Canadians to send e-postcards and petition the government to drop the tax by this time next year. 
</P>
<P>Churley specifically called on the federal Minister of Culture, Sheila Copps, to use her clout as a cabinet minister to pressure the finance minister and the prime minister. 
</P>
<P>Churley said Canadian women spend $840 million dollars on feminine hygiene products a year. She said that amounts to $60 million to Ottawa in taxes each year. 
</P>
<P>**********
</P>
<P>Fungus-Based Meat Substitute Approved<BR>
Meat Alternative Popular In Europe
</P>
<P>Posted: 9:43 a.m. EST March 4, 2002
</P>
<P>WASHINGTON -- A meat substitute made from fungus has been very popular in Europe, and now the Food and Drug Administration has approved it for sale in the United States. 
</P>
<P>Known as mycoprotein, it's marketed under the trade name Quorn. 
</P>
<P>It can be made into such favorites as chicken-like nuggets, lasagna and fettuccine Alfredo. There's even an alternative to ground beef, called &quot;grounds.&quot; 
</P>
<P>Nutrition experts say it has a lot of protein and fiber, and few calories. <BR>
 </P>
<P>Scientists found the fungus growing on farms near London in the '60s and discovered that its long strands could mimic the fibrous tissue of meat. Now it's mixed with egg and flavorings and fashioned into imitation meat. 
</P>
<P>They say it has potential, as long as the word &quot;fungus&quot; doesn't appear on the label. 
</P>
<P>*********
</P>
<P>Man who fired at officer accidentally shoots self<BR>
Written By: Web Producer Jeannie Piper  March 07, 2002 - 3:55 PM <BR>
 </P>
<P>COLORADO SPRINGS – A suspect is in critical condition, after police say he accidentally shot himself while firing at a pursuing officer. 
</P>
<P>An officer patrolling the area near Nevada Avenue and Mill Street in Colorado Springs spotted a suspicious vehicle around 2 a.m. Thursday and started following it. The suspect began driving erratically and then got out of the car near 1001 S. Weber St. 
</P>
<P>The officer chased the man through the neighborhood and the man started shooting. Police say it appears the suspect attempted to fire a shot at the officer while running away. Instead, police say the man accidentally shot himself in the face.
</P>
<P>No shots were fired by the officer.
</P>
<P>The suspect remained on life support at Memorial Hospital Thursday morning. 
</P>
<P>____________________________
</P>
<P>WHAT YOUR CAR SAYS ABOUT YOU<BR>
<BR>
</P>
<P>Acura Integra- I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars
</P>
<P>Acura Legend- I'm too bland for German cars
</P>
<P>Acura NSX- I am impotent
</P>
<P>Audi 90- I enjoy putting out engine fires
</P>
<P>Buick Park Avenue- I am older than 34 of the 50 states
</P>
<P>Cadillac Eldorado- I am a very good Mary Kay salesman
</P>
<P>Cadillac Seville- I am a pimp
</P>
<P>Chevrolet Camaro- I enjoy beating up people
</P>
<P>Chevrolet Chevette- I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette
</P>
<P>Chevrolet Corvette- I'm in a mid-life crisis
</P>
<P>Chevrolet El Camino- I am leading a militia to overthrow the government
</P>
<P>Chrysler Cordoba- I dig the rich Corinthian leather
</P>
<P>Datsun 280Z- I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well
</P>
<P>Dodge Dart- I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower
</P>
<P>Dodge Daytona- I delivered pizza for four years to get this car
</P>
<P>Ford Fairmont- (See Dodge Dart)
</P>
<P>Ford Mustang- I slow down to 85 in school zones
</P>
<P>Ford Crown Victoria- I enjoy having people slow to 55mph &amp; change lanes when I pull up behind them
</P>
<P>Geo Storm- I will start the 11th grade in the Fall.
</P>
<P>Geo Tracker- I will start the 12th grade in the Fall.
</P>
<P>Honda del Sol- I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all
</P>
<P>Honda Civic- I have just graduated and have no credit
</P>
<P>Honda Accord- I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.
</P>
<P>Infiniti Q45- I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.
</P>
<P>Isuzu Impulse- I do not give a rip about J.D. Power or his reports.
</P>
<P>Jaguar XJ6- I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year.
</P>
<P>Kia Sephia- I learned nothing from the failure of Diahatsu Corp.
</P>
<P>Lincoln Town Car- I live for bingo and covered dish suppers
</P>
<P>Mercury Grand Marquis- (See above)
</P>
<P>Mercedes 500SL- I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph.
</P>
<P>Mercedes 560SEL- I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole.
</P>
<P>Mazda Miata- I do not fear being decapitated by an 18-wheeler
</P>
<P>MGB- I am dating a mechanic
</P>
<P>Mitsubishi Diamante- I don't know what it means either
</P>
<P>Nissan 300ZX- I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.
</P>
<P>Oldsmobile Cutlass- I just stole this car and I'm going to make a....
</P>
<P>Peugeot 505 Diesel- I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List
</P>
<P>Plymouth Neon- I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena
</P>
<P>Pontiac Trans AM- I have a switchblade in my sock
</P>
<P>Porsche 944- I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me
</P>
<P>Rolls Royce Silver Shadow- I think Pat Buchannon is a tad bit too liberal
</P>
<P>Saturn SC2- (See Honda Civic)
</P>
<P>Subaru Legacy- I have always wanted a Japanese car even more
</P>
<P>Toyota Camry- I am still in the closet
</P>
<P>Volkswagon Beetle- I still watch Partridge Family reruns
</P>
<P>Volkswagon Cabriolet- I am out of the closet
</P>
<P>Volkswagon Microbus- I am tripping right now
</P>
<P>Volvo 740 Wagon- I am frightened of my wife
</P>
<P>____________________________
</P>
<P>DDL
</P>
<P>There was a young fellow from Texas,<BR>
Who drove around in a Lexus.<BR>
He went on a bender,<BR>
And screwed up his fender...<BR>
Me thinks he lost all his reflexes!
</P>
<P>____________________________
</P>
<P>I took a new pill to increase virility. It backfired and I got hemorrhoids.
</P>
<P>___________________________
</P>
<P>Two farmers were comparing notes on the poor harvest.
</P>
<P>&quot;Jeb, I'm telling you the wheat was so poor I had to harvest it with scissors.&quot;
</P>
<P>&quot;That's nothing, Grady.  I had to lather my field and shave it.&quot;
</P>
<P>___________________________
</P>
<P>Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
</P>
<P>___________________________
</P>
<P>Hey Martha (true)
</P>
<P>Wednesday, February 13, 2002 
</P>
<P>'Hillbilly hellhole' gets $50,000
</P>
<P>STUART, Fla. (AP) -- A jury has awarded $50,000 to a couple who sued officials in the town of Sewall's Point for displaying a picture of their house at City Hall with the words: &quot;Our view of the hillbilly hellhole.&quot; 
</P>
<P>Residents Blaine and Sally Rhodes had asked jurors to award them more than $15,000 in the defamation lawsuit against Mayor Don Winer and clerk Joan Barrow. 
</P>
<P>The suit claims Winer and Barrow ridiculed and harassed the Rhodeses and invaded their privacy by displaying an 8-by-10 photo of their house, given to the officials for Christmas in 1998. 
</P>
<P>The photograph of the back of the Rhodes house showed a damaged floating dock hanging from a tree. 
</P>
<P>&quot;It's a great burden off my shoulders,&quot; Blaine Rhodes told television station WPTV. Government officials &quot;have to be held accountable for their actions, just like you and me.&quot; 
</P>
<P>The Rhodeses' neighbor, Jann Levin, took the photograph and wrote the caption. She has reached an undisclosed settlement with the couple. 
</P>
<P>Michael Piper, attorney for Sewall's Point, said the caption was &quot;a classic statement of opinion, and opinion is not defamation.&quot; </P>