Daily Dose - 020513 - Pat Nixon, BIZARRE NEWS, GENDER WORDS, DDL, Hey Martha
It seems that Pat Nixon had gone to her gynecologist for her annual exam. After she'd left, the doctor reviewed the results of the exam and found out she had "crabs."
The doctor was a little embarrassed about giving that kind of news to the First Lady. He was good friend with G. Gordon Liddy, though, and called him for his advice. Liddy said he'd take care of the whole thing.
That afternoon, Liddy placed a call to Pat Nixon. "Mrs. Nixon?"
"Yes?"
"You have bugs in your Watergate."
(Ahh, 30 year old recycled jokes. I love 'em . . . )
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BIZARRE NEWS....
Bizarre Factoids
"Wanted: Young, skinny, wiry fellows not over 18. Must be excellent riders, willing to risk death daily. Orphans preferred. Wages are $25.00 a week." This is a mid 1800's help wanted sign for the Pony Express.
In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die.
In 1980 the yellow pages listed a funeral Home under "frozen foods".
It would take half the people in the United States between the ages of 18 and 45 to run the nation's telephone system if it were not computerized.
In 1944, Fidel Castro was voted Cuba's best schoolboy athlete. A lefthanded pitcher, Castro was later given a tryout by the Washington Senators but was turned down by the baseball club.
There are more than 1,000 chemicals in a cup of coffee. Of these, only 26 have been tested, and half caused cancer in rats.
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Pig Reference Drives Police Hog Wild
PAINESVILLE, Ohio - A 44-year-old man in Ohio was forced to serve is sentence with a sow after calling a police officer a pig.
Steven Thompson had used the word "pig" while shouting obscenities in a January 28 confrontation with a city police officer. Painesville Municipal Judge Michael Cicconetti ordered the sentence instead of jail time following Thompson's guilty plea to disorderly conduct.
A lunchtime crowd jeered and joked with Thompson as he stood on a city sidewalk arm in hoof with the 350-pound pig for two hours.
There was a sign reading "This is not a police officer."
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Musical Genitals Coming to Video
Adult entertainment customers can choose from straight hetero sex, gay videos, lesbian liaisons and fetish fantasies. But now comes the most unique form of adult entertainment yet.
The musical vagina.
23-year-old "Amber" has had the ability to fart tunes with her labia since she was a young teen, but after years of anonymity she is finally bringing her talent to video.
She has trained her lips to play everything from classics like the "Blue Danube" waltz to rock anthems like, "We Will Rock You."
You can look for this collector's item under the title, "Amber The Queefing Lesbian."
[Thanks to Sex News Daily.]
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Porn Queen Holds Sex Seminar at Temple
NEWHALL, Ca. - Nina Hartley, star of nearly 600 adult films and current sex educator will be holding a seminar at Temple Beth Ami in Newhall.
The veteran of such films as "Debbie Does Dishes" and "One Size Fits All" will be discussing sexuality and techniques for spicing things up in the bedroom.
Rabbi Mark Blazer invite Hartley to speak on sexuality as part of the temple's adult education course, the first-ever for a religious group. Sexuality, Blazer said, is important in Judaism. Jewish law, in fact, allows for a woman to divorce her husband if he doesn't provide for her sexual needs.
"Oh, my mom will be there," he continued. "My mom was very open about sex and from that I learned the importance of sexuality as an important component of a good marriage."
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Coming Soon to a City Near You: Rent-a-Sheep
BERLIN, Germany - There's finally a way for city dwellers to get a real-live sampling of the good ole country spirit.
Martin Portmann, a 52-year-old sheep owner and businessman, has created Rent-a-Sheep so the city folk can rent sheep for various purposes.
Some use the furry animals for childrens' parties while others appreciate their lawn-eating abilities. Still, some just want the sheep for company when they go for leisurely walks.
Portmann told a local newspaper, "The price is negotiable. Some people bring a sack of animal feed, some give money, but the main thing is they enjoy being with the animals."
I'm almost afraid to ask what's next...
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Checkout Rage Causes Fight Between Two Women
LOWELL, Massachusetts - Checkout rage has officially reached new levels. One too many people brought more items to an express lane than allowed, and a customer snapped.
When a 51-year-old woman accidentally bought 13 items in a 12 items or fewer checkout lane, the lady behind her could no longer contain herself. She attacked the shopper outside the store and kicked and punched her.
She has since been charged with assault.
Yeah, right. It was no accident.
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GENDER WORDS
The Washington Post's Style Section has postulated that English should have male and female nouns, and readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice, and explain their reason.
The best submissions:
SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS -- female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
PENLIGHT -- male, because it can be turned on very easily, but isn't very bright.
HAMMER -- male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around and is good for killing spiders.
TIRE -- male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON -- male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it and, of course, there's the hot air part...
WEB PAGE -- female, because it is always getting hit on.
SHOE -- male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
COPIER -- female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up..... and, because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed.... and, because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
ZIPLOC BAGS -- male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SPONGES -- female, because they are soft and squeezable, and retain water.
SUBWAY -- male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS -- female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
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DDL
So lovely she looks as she drowses,
'Twould fair charm the birds from the boughses;
The breeze through the trees,
Her nipples doth tease...
I see lad, your interest arouses.
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"Nostradamus was a prophet from the late 16th century. Nostradamus sounds like Notre Dame.
Notre Dame is the school which Regis Filbin attended.
Regis Filbin was on a morning talk show with Kathy Lee Gifford, who paid her workers wages which haven't been seen since the 16th century.
Coincidence?"
-----Kevin Nealon
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The problem with being bisexual is that you get twice as many chances to be rejected, and *both* sides think you're a pervert!
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An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.
-- Spanish proverb
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Hey Martha (true)
Monday, February 18, 2002
Cats love to flush
WHITEWATER, Wis. (AP) -- Two mischievous cats are driving up the water bill for one area couple.
Boots and Bandit, who are 1 1/2-years-old, have learned to flush the toilet and turn off the lights, said their owners Russ and Sandy Asbury.
"I've had cats all of my life," Russ Asbury said. "But these cats are different than any of the others."
The couple discovered the cats unusual talents last winter, unexpectedly.
The two were at home, Sandy Asbury in the kitchen, her husband in the living room, when they heard an unmistakable noise coming from the bathroom: a toilet flush.
"My eyes got as big as saucers. At first, I didn't know if we had ghosts or what," Russ Asbury said. "I couldn't even imagine who or what was flushing the toilet."
Sandy, 46, checked it out and caught Boots preparing to do it again. Since then, Bandit has also become proficient at toilet flushing.
"We have to shut the bathroom door when we go to bed. Otherwise, one or the other of the cats are in there flushing away all night," Russ Asbury said.
The cats have even started flushing while someone is using the toilet, Russ Asbury said. And they've both become skilled at unrolling the toilet paper and turning the bathroom light on and off, Russ Asbury said.
"Between the water and sewer bills and cost for toilet paper, the cats are going to have to get a job," Russ Asbury joked.