Daily Dose - 020512 - DARWIN EMERGENCY ROOM, help desk, Lego SAT, Fun things to do with young children, DDL, Hey Martha
THE DARWIN EMERGENCY ROOM!!!
A 28 year old male was brought into ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest, he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.
A 50 year old woman came into the ER with a complaint of mild abdominal pain. During a pelvic exam, the doctor found that the lady had inserted a whole chicken piece by piece into her vagina and then safety pinned her labia shut hoping that the chicken would turn into a baby.
A Woman with shortness of breath and who weighed approximately 500 lbs was dragged into the ER on a tarp by 6 firemen. While trying to undress the lady, an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her arm. After an X-Ray should a round mass on the left side of her chest, her massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And last but not least, during a pelvic exam a TV remote control was discovered in one of the folds in her crotch. She became known as "The Human Couch".
A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER parking lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth. Wanting to tell the woman to push he started yelling "Puta! Puta! Puta!" at this, the Grandmother started to cry and the baby's father had to be restrained. What the doctor should have been saying was "Puja!" (Push). Instead he was saying "Whore! Whore! Whore!".
A 40 year old man and his wife were playing with some vegetables when a cucumber became lodged in his rectum. Unable to get it out on his own, he showed up at the ER for some assistance. All he was given were some pain killers and some KY jelly and told to wait as he would eventually "poop" it out. On his way out one of the nurses yelled "Come back this afternoon, we're having a butt-luck supper". (How embarrassing is that?)
An unconscious 36 year old male was brought into the ER with cocaine induced seizures. As a nurse pulled back his foreskin to insert a catheter, a neatly folded twenty dollar bill fell out of his foreskin fold. When the man woke up and demanded to leave, the nurse gave him back his belongings and told him where she had found the money. His response: "It was a fifty, bitch!"
An elderly woman came into the ER complaining: "I got the green vines in my virginny" (interesting). A pelvic exam verifies that she did, indeed have a six inch vine growing out of her vagina. Further inspection revealed that she had a mass in her vaginal vault. It was easily removed and looked very much like a potato. It was indeed, a potato. The patient said that her uterus was falling out and that she "put a potato in there to hold it up" and then forgot about it.
A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the exam and questioning the female denied being sexually active. The doctor gave her a pregnancy test that came back positive. Doctor: "The results from your pregnancy test came back positive. Are you sure you're not sexually active?" Patient: "Sexually active? No sir, I just lay there." Doctor: " I see. Well, do you know who the father is?" Patient: "No. Who?"
A 92 year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to hospital. After 30 minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts, the lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78 year old daughter that her mother didn't make it. "Didn't make It? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance 45 minutes ago!"
A 15 year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next to him. The boy was coming down from crank (methamphetamine) that he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his friends. Concerned about this, the doctor asked him if there was anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for a while and then said questioningly, "I've been screwing the dog?".
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Here are some conversations that actually happened between help desk people and their customers.
Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
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Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
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Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."
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Customer: "Excuse me can I use this disk? It has a hole in it.
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Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"
Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."
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Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
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Customer: "Now what do I do?"
Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'"
Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"
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Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
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The Lego SAT
Several colleges have started a pilot program that uses a simple group experiment with Legos as a replacement for the standard admissions test. The group must recreate a model of a robot in the next room, with only one team member allowed to view the robot at any one time.
Since different schools have different admissions requirements, the test has been generalized to meet the requirements of various schools:
ENGINEERING COLLEGE: Build a real, working robot out of Legos
LIBERAL ARTS COLLEGE: Pick your favorite color of Lego block
CULINARY COLLEGE: Bake an Eggo that no one would want to lego
FEMINIST COLLEGE: Cut the stubs off the Lego blocks and get them to stick together using only the holes.
COMMUNITY COLLEGE: Ring this box of Legos up on a cash register
FLORIDA STATE UNIVERSITY: Steal as many Legos as possible
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Fun things to do with young children:
Get up early on Christmas morning, dress up as Father Christmas, and lie on the middle of their bedroom floor in a pool of fake blood.
Get the plastic thing from the middle of a Kinder Egg, and put it in your mouth and spit it out at them really hard.
Tell them that Hitler lives in their bedroom light, and that if they turn the light on, he'll come out and get them.
And then turn the light on.
Show them a home video of their parents screaming, and tell the child that "Mummy and Daddy are trapped in the television forever".
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DDL
The once was a girl named Straight
Whose pussy smelled like bait!
Whenever Jeff pounds her
The room reeks of flounder
Her twat, she needs to refrigerate.
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"It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning."
- Calvin
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"Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love."
-Charlie Brown
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"Ahh, but I'd trade it all for a little more."
- Montgomery Burns, THE SIMPSONS
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Hey Martha (true)
Tuesday, February 5, 2002
Mailman told to stop being nice to dogs
HIGH POINT, N.C. (AP) -- A North Carolina mailman really is a dog's best friend.
Dale Baity has handed out treats to about 50 dogs on his route for the past three years until recently. The U.S. Postal Service told him to stop after a treat-seeking canine scared a substitute carrier.
The dog was pepper sprayed by the frightened postal worker.
The dogs' owners supported Baity and praised his work as well as his good heart. Now, Baity is back in business delivering his doses of goodwill.
Postal officials refused to talk about the issue and referred questions to Bill Brown, a spokesman for U.S. Postal Service in Charlotte.
Carriers are forbidden to pet dogs, and feeding them is discouraged because of the possibility of being attacked, Brown said.
The occasional dog biscuit is left up to the carrier, Brown said.
"We don't encourage it, but some situations may be different than others," he said.