Daily Dose - 020511 - SENIOR ADS, Rotten News, brother who was a bishop, CONVERSION BY HOLY WATER, DDL, Hey Martha

SENIOR ADS

As seen in the Seniors Section in Florida, Arizona and Southern California newspapers:

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'-4" (used to be 5' 6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flossiere to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES ? I still like to rock, to cruise in my Corvette on Saturday nights and to play the air guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my collection of eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1925, low mileage, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Doesn't run but walks well.

___________________________

Rotten News..... (true)

Comic strip no laughing matter

Live sex show shocks Granada dignitaries

Giles Tremlett in Madrid
Tuesday March 19, 2002
The Guardian

Local authorities in the southern Spanish city of Granada were meeting yesterday to discuss withdrawing funding from an international comic fair after organisers decided to enliven an awards ceremony by paying two actors to perform live sex on stage.

Representatives of the city hall and regional government walked out of the ceremony at the VIIth International Comic Fair after the "performance", organised by Spanish film director Juanma Bajo Ulloa, involved the stage being stormed by a group of armed actors dressed as Taliban fighters and led by an Osama bin Laden lookalike.

Accompanied by burka-clad women, they burned pictures of local icons, including the Virgin Mary and poet Federico Garcia Lorca, in front of the shocked dignitaries. One of the women then cast off her burka, stripped and began performing what Granada's Ideal newspaper described as "an oral act" on one of the men. The couple then progressed to full sex.

Meanwhile, the rest of the Taliban characters sang songs from the Spanish equivalent of Pop Idols and the awards were handed out.

Mr Bajo Ulloa was unrepentant yesterday and claimed that the show had added "dignity" to an otherwise boring prize ceremony.

The authorities that helped pay for the fair, more used to the adventures of Tintin and Asterix, denounced the show as "vulgar, disgusting and insulting".

"We wish to separate ourselves completely from the contents of the show," they said.

The fair's director, Alejandro Casasola, defended Mr Bajo Ulloa. "Comics are about provoking, transgressing and breaking rules," he said. Yesterday he was to be brought before the authorities, which have threatened to cancel next year's fair.

*********

Saudi news: Jews use teen blood in pastries
Columnist in state daily claims 'fact' of ritual by 'Jewish vampires'

Posted: March 13, 2002
1:00 a.m. Eastern

A Saudi government newspaper published a column asserting that Jews use the blood of teenagers to make a special pastry associated with the March holiday of Purim, according to the Middle East Media Research Institute, which provided a translation.

"This holiday has some dangerous customs that will, no doubt, horrify you, and I apologize if any reader is harmed because of this," wrote Dr. Umayma Ahmad Al-Jalahma of King Faisal University in a column published March 10.

Writing in the daily Al-Riyadh, Al-Jalahma said, "For this holiday, the Jewish people must obtain human blood so that their clerics can prepare the holiday pastries. In other words, the practice cannot be carried out as required if human blood is not spilled!!"

The allegation of blood libel was common in the Middle Ages when Jews were accused of "ritual murder" in their celebration of the Passover. During the feast, which commemorates Israel's escape from Egypt, a family puts the blood of a lamb on the doorpost of its home, but Jews were accused of using the blood of Christian children. The Catholic Church has since condemned the unfounded allegation.

Al-Jalahma insisted "that the Jews' spilling human blood to prepare pastry for their holidays is a well-established fact, historically and legally, all throughout history. This was one of the main reasons for the persecution and exile that were their lot in Europe and Asia at various times."

For the Purim holiday pastries, the columnist said, "the victim must be a mature adolescent who is, of course, a non-Jew – that is, a Christian or a Muslim. His blood is taken and dried into granules. The cleric blends these granules into the pastry dough; they can also be saved for the next holiday. In contrast, for the Passover slaughtering, about which I intend to write one of these days, the blood of Christian and Muslim children under the age of 10 must be used, and the cleric can mix the blood (into the dough) before or after dehydration."

Al-Jalahma continued:

"Let us now examine how the victims' blood is spilled. For this, a needle-studded barrel is used; this is a kind of barrel, about the size of the human body, with extremely sharp needles set in it on all sides. (These needles) pierce the victim's body, from the moment he is placed in the barrel. "These needles do the job, and the victim's blood drips from him very slowly. Thus, the victim suffers dreadful torment – torment that affords the Jewish vampires great delight as they carefully monitor every detail of the blood-shedding with pleasure and love that are difficult to comprehend.

"After this barbaric display, the Jews take the spilled blood, in the bottle set in the bottom (of the needle-studded barrel), and the Jewish cleric makes his coreligionists completely happy on their holiday when he serves them the pastries in which human blood is mixed.

"There is another way to spill the blood: The victim can be slaughtered as a sheep is slaughtered, and his blood collected in a container. Or, the victim's veins can be slit in several places, letting his blood drain from his body.

"This blood is very carefully collected – as I have already noted – by the 'rabbi,' the Jewish cleric, the chef who specializes in preparing these kinds of pastries.

"The human race refuses even to look at the Jewish pastries, let alone prepare them or consume them!"

Fabricated stories alleging Jewish consumption of gentile blood have recently made a huge comeback in the Arab world since Sept. 11. Another claim frequently spread by major Arab newspapers today is the assertion that the Nazi holocaust never occurred.

______________________________

At the construction site of a new church, the contractor stopped to chat with one of his workmen.

"Paddy," he asked casually, "didn't you once tell me that you had a brother who was a bishop?"

"That I did, sir."

"And you are a bricklayer! It sure is a funny old world. Things in life aren't divided equally, are they?"

"No, that they ain't sir," agreed Paddy, as he proudly slapped the mortar along the line of bricks. "My poor brother couldn't do this to save his life!"

____________________________

CONVERSION BY HOLY WATER

A Jewish man moves into a Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday the Catholics go crazy because the Jew is outside barbecuing steaks, while they're morosely eating fish according to the strict order of things.

So the Catholics work on the Jew to convert him. Finally, through pressure and pleading, the Catholics succeed.

They take the Jew to a priest who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and intones:

"Born a Jew. Raised a Jew. Now a Catholic."

The Catholics are ecstatic. No more delicious but maddening smells every single Friday evening.

But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue wafts again through the neighborhood.

The Catholics all rush to the former Jew's house to remind him of his new diet.

They see him standing over the cooking steak. He is sprinkling water on the meat, saying:

"Born a cow. Raised a cow. Now a fish."

______________________________

DDL

Once a young and devout holy roller,
Had a boy friend attempt to console her.
She'd gone down on his cock,
That was hard as a rock...
Chipped a tooth, plus she knocked out a molar.

_______________________________

[You have to know where to look in order to find news like this...]

Oh, those witty British euro-skeptics.

Passengers traveling to Europe through London's Stansted airport are helped with a "Rough Guide" to the airport that includes a list of those countries that use the euro currency. The list ran thus:

Belgium, Austria, France, Finland, Luxembourg, Ireland, Netherlands, Germany, Portugal, Italy, Greece, Spain.

Observant readers will note, as did some passengers, that the initials of the list read "BAFFLING PIGS."

The guide has since been withdrawn.

_______________________________

A New Yorker was being shown around the back country of Louisiana by his cousin. "Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?" he asked.

The cousin smirked, "Depends on how fast ya carry it."

______________________________

Hey Martha (true)

Wednesday, February 6, 2002

Store apologizes for ad

Supermarket ran fried chicken special in honour of Black History month

HARRISBURG, Pa. (AP) -- A supermarket advertised a sale on fried chicken in honour of Black History Month, prompting the company to issue an apology after a customer complained.

Giant Food Stores customer Lance Sellers brought the ad to the attention of the manager of the store in Union Deposit east of Harrisburg. The sign read In Honor Of Black History Month, We At Giant Are Offering A Special Savings On Fried Chicken.

"I showed it to a few of the other customers ... and they all were stunned," Sellers said. "When I approached the store manager about the problem he had the nerve to ask me why it offended me so much."

Giant Food Stores apologized on Wednesday and said the sign was not meant to be offensive.

"It did happen. It was at that one store only," said Denny Hopkins, Giant's vice-president of advertising. "We had a customer bring the sign to us and complain and we immediately took it down."

Paula Diane Harris, president of the Greater Harrisburg Branch of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, said the sign reinforces racist stereotypes.

"Not all African-Americans eat fried chicken, greens and chitlins. We like salad, roast beef, low-fat chicken, just like everybody else," she said.

Giant is sponsoring several programs for Black History Month, including having jazz bands and soul food samples at its Kline Village Plaza and Union Deposit stores, Hopkins said.

Sellers said the sign wouldn't keep him from shopping at the store.

"We laugh about it," he said. "How could they put something like that out there?"