Daily Dose - 020508 - Groaners
Time to clean out some of those "groaners" that have been coming in....
Psychiatrist discussing opera and the Luftwaffe
This psychiatrist is doing his rounds of his asylum with a couple of students. They look in on one patient and the pychiatrist says to his students, "Sometimes this fellow thinks he's a temptress in a Bizet opera, but today, as you can see from his goose stepping, he thinks he's the World War II head of the Luftwaffe. What condition do you think he's suffering from?"
The first student replies, "Is he a paranoid schizophrenic with a multiple personality disorder?"
The second student says, "No, surely he just doesn't know whether he's Carmen or Goerring."
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The Clown
A clown moved into an apartment block reserved solely for circus performers.
He liked everything about the apartment. The kitchen was modern, the bedroom was comfortable and the lounge was spacious. And there were plenty of facilities - cooker, hoover, refrigerator, washing machine.
The only thing that was missing was an ironing board, something on which he could press his circus uniform after washing it.
"Why is there no ironing board?" he asked the agent. "The lion tamer and the juggler have both got one."
"You use the window ledge, like the other clowns," explained the agent. "It's in your contract. Every clown has a sill for ironing."
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I live near a small town and farming community, and the following event happened to a friend of mine, a farmer named Ken Kellog.
Ken raises sheep, and he has this surly, unpredictable ram which boldly tries to escape the pasture at any opportunity. He also has quite a temper (the ram, not Ken).
A bunch of ravens had their nests near by -- about twenty ravens in all. Ten ravens make up a swoop, just like more than four sheep are a flock, etc.
Anyways, these ravens loved to harass the ram. They'd fly down into the field and caw at him until he charged at them. Then they'd all fly upward, and the ram would crash into the fence.
Once, though, one of the ravens didn't get out of the way in time, and he was crushed against the fencepost. The others decided to get revenge.
When Farmer Kellog came out to check on his sheep one day, he forgot to lock the gate properly. The ravens, working together, pushed it open, and lured the ram out into the hayfield. They flew towards the bailing machine, the ram bleating furiously all the way. At the last moment, the ravens pulled up -- and the ram ran straight into the bailer. He came out the other side in a mangled package.
Twenty big black birds came to perch upon him, satisfied, leaving the farmer with......
(here it comes....)
two swoops of ravens on a package of Kellog's brazen ram.
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The problem - There's a box with a hole at each end and there's a rabbit in the box. The rabbit sticks his head out of the hole in one end, and a minute later he sticks it out the other end.
Half a minute later, his head appears at the opposite end, a fourth of a minute later it appears at the end opposite to that one, an eighth of a minute later...etc., etc.
How long will it take before the rabbit sticks its head out of both ends of the box at the same time?
In theory, two minutes.
In practice, no answer is possible unless you split hares.
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A guy get`s shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he`s on a beach. The sand is purple. He can`t believe it. The sky is purple. He walks arond a bit and sees that there is purple grass, purple birds and purple fruit on the purple trees. He`s shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn purple too.
"Oh no!!" he says, "I think I`ve been marooned!!"
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A farmer was milking a cow and a fly was flying around. He shushed it away with his hand and it flew in the cow's ear.
He kept milking and the fly came out in the milk bucket.
The farmer thought to himself, "In one ear and out the udder".
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A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. The other night I dreamed I was a Trans Am. Another night I dreamed I was an Alpha Romero. Last night I dreamed I was a Porche. What does this mean?"
"Relax," says the doctor, "You're just having an auto-body experience.
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Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom and the other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding at the wedding dinner, the bride broom leaned over and said to the groom broom "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"
"IMPOSSIBLE!!" said the groom broom. "We haven't even swept together!"
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TERRIBLE TASTE
The man of the house was mixing a martini, and a kitten was studying every action intently. She watched him take the ice from the freezer. She followed the ice to the glass. She helped him measure out the liquor and stared at the ritual of the spearing of the olives.
Suddenly, a lemon twist slipped from his hands and flew across the kitchen. The kitten couldn't believe her luck. She got there first. She bit into the yellow twist before the man could stop her, certain of a wonderful treat these humans enjoy.
The kitten's face screwed up as she spit out the bitter rind.
"Aha," said the mixologist, "so you have learned: A rind is a terrible thing to taste."
(OK... OK... That's enogh for today.....)