Daily Dose - 020507 - DAYVORCE, Rotten News, uncomplimentary drawing, loved fast cars, DDL, Hey Martha

DAYVORCE

WARNING: this is just a joke...which in my opinion, is making fun of ignorant white people.

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file a divorce.

The attorney asked "May I help you?"

The farmer said "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorcees."

The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I got 140 acres."

The attorney said, "No, you don't understand. Do you have a case?"

The farmer said, "No I don't have a case, But I have a John Deere."

The attorney said, "No you don't understand! I mean do you have a grudge?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."

The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suite?"

The farmer said, "Yes Sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."

The attorney said, "Well Sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

The farmer said, "No Sir, we both get up about 4:30 a.m."

The attorney said, "Well is she a nagger or anything?"

The farmer said, "No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I want this Dayvorce."

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Rotten News... (true)

'BIN LADEN WANTED ENGLAND STARS KILLED'

Sunday March 10 2002
By Neil Rowlands
OTHER STORIES

Osama Bin Laden plotted to murder England stars including David Beckham and Michael Owen DURING a World Cup match according to an amazing report published on Sunday.

The News Of The World's three-page story claims Algerian terrorists were to attack during England's opening game of the France 98 finals against Tunisia in Marseille, shooting skipper Alan Shearer and blowing up keeper David Seaman and the dugout - containing manager Glenn Hoddle and substitutes Beckham and Owen - with hand grenades.

The astonishing plot is the subject of a new book by 'respected investigative writer' Adam Robinson, an expert on Arsenal-supporting Islamic fanatic Bin Laden - the man widely thought responsible for the September 11 attacks in the USA - and his al-Qaeda organisation.

Robinson claims three terrorists were to secure jobs on the ground staff at Marseille's Stade Velodrome, giving them access to the pitch during games, and were even told which specific players Bin Laden wanted them to target.

A letter apparently sent by the European chief of the Algerian GIA terrorist organisation to one of his most senior operatives refers to Bin Laden as "The Sheik" and details how the attack should unfold.

Extracts from the letter claim 'The Sheik' "asks that we observe the movements of David Seaman, the goalkeeper of England, Alan Shearer, the most famous player, and the trainer, Hoddle.

"Also, thanks be to God, his attention has been drawn to two younger players who are becoming well known, David Beckham and Michael Owen. They are not certain to be playing, but will be visible with the others at the side of the field.

"Therefore, we suggest that the point man should make his way to Seaman and blow himself up next to him. The second brother should then throw a grenade at the reserve players at the side of the field. He should keep a spare grenade to throw at the English supporters.

"The third brother should carry a gun and shoot Shearer, who will be at the opposite end of the field to Seaman."

French police deny claims the England players were a specific target but confirmed that "certain individuals were arrested in France and other countries before the World Cup as a preventative measure."

More than 100 people were arrested across Europe in the weeks before the finals, the News Of The World said.

The match went ahead without incident, England winning 2-0 with goals from Paul Scholes and Shearer.

*********

Monday, March 11, 2002 . Posted: 16:28:15 (AEDT)

US researcher seeks to exhume 'Jesus Christ' in Kashmir

An American researcher who believes she has found the final resting place of Jesus Christ, is campaigning to exhume a body at a Muslim shrine in Indian-administered Kashmir for scientific tests.

Suzanne Marie Olsson, a New York-based researcher is currently in Srinagar, Kashmir's summer capital, studying the Muslim shrine of Rozabal.

While Muslims say Rozabal houses the tomb of Yuza Asaf, a Muslim saint, many researchers believe it contains the body of Jesus Christ.

To put an end to speculation, Ms Olsson has suggested exhuming the remains at Rozabal for DNA testing and carbon dating.

"This will trace him to his origin... and resolve the raging controversy over the identity of the place forever," she said.

Ms Olsson has already dug up a shrine at the Murree hill station in Pakistan under the supervision of archaeologists Ahmad Hassan Dani and Saida Rahman.

Murree is believed to be the resting place of Jesus' mother, Mary.

"The exhumed remains have been sent for the DNA testing and the report is awaited," she said. "Now Rozabal holds the key."

"If the remains there are sent for testing and then tallied with the results of the Murree project, it will either establish the link between the two shrines as being of similar origin and thus authenticate the Marium-Jesus theory or prove it wrong for good."

However, her project has run into trouble with the managers of the Rozabal shrine, who are strongly opposed to its "desecration".

"We will never allow it," said Mohammed Amin, one of the managers.

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A high school teacher arrived late for class to find a most uncomplimentary drawing of himself on the blackboard. Fuming, he asked the class, "Who is responsible for this atrocity?!"

The class clown won tremendous prestige among his peers by answering, "I really don't know, but I strongly suspect his parents."

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My father always loved fast cars. Taking advantage of the empty roads one morning, he accelerated down a wide-open stretch. Unfortunately, a young police officer was waiting at the other end, and Dad was flagged down. He greeted the officer with a cheery "Good morning."

"And a good morning to you, Wing Commander," replied the officer. "Having trouble taking off?"

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DDL

There once was a man named Soboda
Who wouldn't pay a whore what he oweda
With great savoir faire
She climbed on a chair
And pissed in his whiskey and soda

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A Zen master once said to me, "Do the opposite of whatever I tell you." So I didn't.

***

"My doctor tells me I suffer from extreme hypochondria. He prescribed a strong placebo, but I don't think it's working."

-Fred Marcum

***

"The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up."

--Unknown

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Hey Martha (true)

Tuesday, February 5, 2002

Judge allows naked jogging

BANGOR, Maine (AP) -- A judge has ruled that two undergraduates at the University of Maine did not violate the state's indecent conduct law by jogging naked.

Debra Ballou, of Island Falls, and Kathryn Mann, of Fayetteville, N.Y., won the case without hiring a lawyer and by asking just one question of the prosecution's only witness.

Maine law states that people are guilty of indecent conduct only when they "knowingly expose their genitals in public."

Ballou, 20, asked the arresting officer whether he saw her genitals Nov. 2.

"Not that I recall," replied Orono police officer John Ewing.

"That's all I have," Ballou told the court.

Judge Jesse Gunther, of the 3rd District Court in Bangor, then ruled that a woman naked in the street is not an indecent act under Maine law because a woman's genitals are primarily internal.

Gunther grinned slightly as he said, "I would assume the Legislature will probably be addressing this issue."