Daily Dose - 020505 - HELPFUL TEACHER, BIZARRE NEWS, da train'a ride down, DDL, Hey Martha
HELPFUL TEACHER
A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one--holding onto their "weewees" to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th."
"No, ma'am," he replied, "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the 4th but thanks for the lift."
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BIZARRE NEWS....
Bizarre Weddings
A French bride was arrested at her wedding reception in 1995 for stabbing her new husband with the knife they had just used to cut the wedding cake.
Minutes before he was due to conduct a wedding at Normanton Parish Church, West Yorkshire, in October 1996, Father Rodney Chapman tripped over a Bible, crashed into the aisle and broke his foot. With blood pouring down his face, he managed to marry Scott Niesyty and Paula Dunn before going to the hospital.
The wedding of the future George IV to Princess Caroline of Brunswick in 1795 was a sorry affair. So drunk that he had to be carried to the altar by his two ushers, the groom rose at one point in the ceremony as if trying to escape. His father, 'Mad' King George III, quickly left his seat and firmly pressed him down again. When asked by the Archbishop if there was any impediment to the marriage, the groom began to cry. That night, after briefly visiting the marital bed, he fell asleep in the fireplace.
Princess Maria del Pozzo della Cisterno would never forget the day of her wedding to Amadeo, the Duke D'Aosta, son of the King of Italy, in Turin on May 30, 1867. Her wardrobe mistress hanged herself; the palace gatekeeper cut his throat; the colonel leading the wedding procession collapsed from sunstroke; the stationmaster was crushed to death under the wheels of the honeymoon train; the King's aide was killed falling from his horse; and the best man shot himself. Otherwise, it all went smoothly...
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Lion Claims Life at Zoo
LISBON - There are easier ways to do it, but this method is guaranteed to get you in the newspapers.
A man, apparently wanting to commit suicide, jumped into the lion pit at Lisbon zoo where he was promptly attacked and killed.
Zoo officials said the 61-year-old man climbed a five-yard-high wall and leaped into the pit, home to 10 lions. He ignored warnings from gardeners to remain still and instead began bothering the lions. A 10-year-old female, then attacked and killed the man.
"She broke his neck...and he was dead instantly," a zoo administrator told Reuters. A police spokesman said the man had been distraught about the recent death of his son.
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Man Refused to Wait for Pizza, Holds Staff at Gunpoint
CANADA - A hungry man nonchalantly phoned in his dinner order to a local pizza restaurant, but became enraged when they told him delivery would take a half hour.
He couldn't wait that long for his extra large vegetarian pizza, so he showed up at the Homemade Steak and Pizza 20 minutes later with a handgun and two accomplices. He held the staff at gunpoint and demanded they immediately make him the pizza.
The 26-year-old robber and two helpers kept the employees on pins and needles for an hour until they finished eating.
Police have charged the three with robbery, uttering threats, unlawful confinement and weapons offenses, and they report that two employees and a customer were hit on the head during the escapade.
A spokesperson for the police said, "We've seen some bizarre things happen, but this one tops the list. It certainly had our investigators baffled."
Um, us, too.
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Faith Healer Hypnotizes Idiot and Robs Her
SANTIAGO, Chile - Alejandra V, 30, trusted her faith healer and generally followed the woman's advice.
It was no different when the healer advised Alejandra to carry all her money with her to improve her self-worth. Thus, she began carrying her life savings with her at all times.
Unfortunately, the faith healer took advantage and promptly robbed the woman at their next meeting.
The "healer" hypnotized her and then took all the money. Alejandra didn't realize her savings was missing until she got home. She immediately contacted the police and informed them that the healer told her that she was a victim of black magic and needed to be exorcised.
The healer would commonly say prayers and conduct spells during the sessions and even boiled an egg in the customer's urine.
The faith healer has since disappeared, and police don't have any leads.
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Man Attempts to Smuggle Diamonds in his Intestines
LISBON, Portugal - A 38-year-old man has been arrested at Luanda Airport for smuggling over 1,300 uncut diamonds in his intestines.
After he arrived by plane from Cafunfu, the man was taken to the hospital where doctors removed the jewels. The diamonds had been wrapped in a plastic bag and then hidden in his intestines.
Though the value of the diamonds has yet to be determined, the smuggler is being held without bail and faces a possible eight to 12 years in prison for smuggling and illegal possession.
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The Best Remedy For a Broken Heart...Grand Larceny
TURIN, Italy - Breaking up is hard to do for most people. Depression is usually inevitable. Some people eat to combat the lonely feeling, others find another person on the rebound.
But that would not suffice for this 37-year-old Italian man.
He decided to rob 21 banks in the last 10 months because he was looking for kicks after his wife dumped him.
"I suddenly found out that the only way to escape from the tunnel of depression was to have very strong experiences, and robbing banks really gave me peace of mind," the Turin man explained to police.
He admitted hiding outside the bank after each robbery to see the police arriving, for it gave him "a great thrill, comparable to being with a woman."
The man has been charged with robbery and is waiting to be sentenced.
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After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped in his New York neighborhood barbershop to say hello to his friends.
Giovanni said, "Hey, Luigi. "How was'a da treep?"
Luigi said, "Ever'thing was'a perfect except for da train'a ride down."
"What'a you mean, Luigi," asked Giovanni.
"Well, we board'a da train at Grand Central'a Station. My beautiful'a Virginia had packed a big'a basket a food with vino and cigars for'a me, and'a we were looking 'aforward to da trip. All was OK until we got'a hungry and opened up'a da lunch'a basket.
The conductor came by, wagged his'a finger at us and'a say, "No eat in dese'a car. Must'a use'a dining car."
So, me and my beautiful'a Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a big'a lunch and begin to open'a bottle of vino. Conductor come again, wag his'a finger and say, "No drink'a in dese'a car. Must'a use'a club'a car."
So we go to club'a car. While'a drinking vino, I start to light'a my big'a cigar. The conductor, he wag'a his finger again and say, "No smoke'a in dese'a car. Must'a go to smoker car." We go to smoker car and I smoke'a my cigar.
Later, my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car and'a go to bed. We just about to have'a sex and the conductor, he come'a through car yelling, "NO-FOLK'A, VIRGINIA!"
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DDL
In China, so scholars now say,
To kill off the sperm, here's one way:
Drink cotton seed oil,
Your spunk you will spoil...
A great Chinese sperm take-away.
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"The only reason I did a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill."
-Peter Ustinov.
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"Of course America had often been discovered before Columbus, but it had always been hushed up."
-Oscar Wilde
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"My school days were the happiest days of my life; which should give you some indication of the misery I've endured over the past twenty-five years."
-Paul Merton.
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Hey Martha (true)
Tuesday, February 12, 2002
Lawn cannon grabs government's attention
LUDINGTON, Mich. (AP) -- It's not your ordinary lawn ornament.
Since 1947, Henry Marek has kept a World War I-era cannon in his front yard.
Marek obtained the cannon in 1942 for $25 as scrap from the Work Projects Administration. Over the years it has become a Mason County landmark.
But a Defense Department worker happened to notice the cannon last week, knocked on Marek's door and told him that the cannon is government property. That means it could be seized and destroyed.
That's when Marek brought out his heavy gun -- U.S. Rep. Pete Hoekstra, who has ridiculed the government's sudden interest in the weaponry.
"This cannon has been in the community for more than 50 years without a problem," Hoekstra said Monday in a news release. "And the only problems surrounding this cannon now are being caused by the government."
Hoekstra said the cannon's breech was welded shut and its barrel was cut, making it unusable as a weapon. His office contacted the Defense Department and expects a quick resolution to the matter.
"At a time when the Defense Department is fighting a war against terrorism, it seems strange they would want to fight Mr. Marek over an 80-plus-year-old cannon that was long-ago disabled," he said.