Daily Dose - 020501 - BIG TIPPER, Rotten News, computer dating service, MALE OR FEMALE, DDL, Hey Martha
THE BIG TIPPER
Did you hear that Tipper Gore is going to run for a seat in the Senate. To prepare herself, she shaved off all the hair from her private parts. She will now sit on the stage and have her legs apart without any panties on.
What is her message?
"Read my lips: No more Bush!"
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Rotten News.... (true)
Severed leg recovered 700 miles from crash site
By Veronica Gonzalez
Tribune staff reporter
Published March 27, 2002, 12:56 PM CST
A human leg found in Harvey has been identified as that of a man who was killed with his wife in a train-vehicle collision about 700 miles to the south, in Mississippi, authorities said.
Workers for the Illinois Central-Canadian National Railroad found the leg Tuesday afternoon and suspected it was from a freight train that had recently arrived in the Chicago area and had been involved in the fatal train accident near Yazoo City, Miss., on Monday, authorities said.
Officials of the Cook County medical examiner’s office, with the assistance of Mississippi authorities, identified the leg as that of Max Twiner, 69, who was killed with his wife Virginia, 68, when a freight train struck their passenger van at a grade crossing.
The husband was thrown from the van and was struck by the train, authorities said. A boot recovered with the leg in Harvey matched that of a boot found on the man’s body in Mississippi.
Copyright © 2002, Chicago Tribune
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IB can’t figure out SMS, wants it shut down
PRATYUSH KANTH
TIMES NEWS NETWORK [ SATURDAY, MARCH 16, 2002 1:41:42 AM ]
EW DELHI: The Intelligence Bureau (IB) has a surprise for cell-phone users. It wants the highly popular short message service (SMS) withdrawn by all mobile telephony providers.
Reason? The information that underworld dons within and outside the country were using SMS facilities to coordinate with anti-social elements to spark communal tension across the country over the shila daan in Ayodhya.
The officials of IB, police and other intelligence agencies believe that SMS facilities should be withdrawn till they can tap a technology to monitor messages, an IB source told The Times of India.
Interrogations of several criminals arrested recently revealed that they now routinely use e-mail and SMS to plan strikes. This was why the Mumbai police jammed the SMS service in the city on Friday, he said. It is easy for the police to ‘‘monitor’’ a mobile phone, but almost impossible to check SMS.
Intelligence agencies, including the IB and the police, have cyber crime cells. But these are at a nascent stage, said an official, and ‘‘we are taking the help of the FBI in developing or using software that will help monitor e-mails and cell-phones of underworld gangs.’’
According to IB sources, the Delhi police, too, from time to time jams the SMS facilities in the city with the help of cell-phone operators, when some striking intelligence on terrorists requires it.
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A woman went to a computer dating service and said she didn't care about looks, income or background. All she wanted was a man of upright character.
Then a man came in and told them the only thing he was seeking in a woman was intelligence.
The service matched them together at once because they had one thing in common - they were both compulsive liars.
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MALE OR FEMALE?
SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS -- female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
TIRE -- male, because it goes bald and is often over-in-flated.
WEB PAGE -- female, because it is always getting hit on.
SHOE -- male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
PHOTOCOPIER -- female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up again -- and only when the right buttons are pushed.
HAMMER -- male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL -- Definitely female, because it gives men pleasure; he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
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DDL
A man with venereal fear
Had intercourse in his wife's ear.
She said, "I don't mind,
Except that I find
When the telephone rings, I don't hear."
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Personal Ad:
I am a deeply sensitive man with whom you can open your heart to and share you innermost thoughts and your deepest secrets. Confide in me. Let me in and I promise I'll show you compassion, soothe your soul, and put lasting balm on your insecurities.
No fatties, please.
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Between my post-USMC and my present mathematician era, I was a cop. A judge who later ended up on the 2d District Court of Appeals told me once, "The only differences between lawyers and prostitutes are that prostitutes are generally better looking and more honest about how they make a living."
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A guy with three eyes, no arms, and one leg is hitchhiking. A British guy pulls over, rolls down the window, and says, "Aye, aye, aye! You look 'armless! 'op in!"
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Hey Martha (true)
Wednesday, February 13, 2002
School buys radar gun for crossing guard
PENSACOLA, Fla. (AP) -- A school crossing guard last year discovered he could slow down speeders by taking aim at them with a hair dryer resembling a radar gun.
Now, he's got the real thing.
Six fifth-grade students at Suter Elementary School sold lemonade and collected donations to raise $93.93 for the radar gun that they presented to Dale Rooks on Monday.
"It looks just like a hair dryer, and I don't mean that to be funny," Rooks said.
Rooks still cannot write tickets, but he can tip police to any habitual speeder he identifies with the radar gun, police Capt. John Mathis said.
"We'd try to assist in actually clocking that individual," Mathis said. "Any effort he can do to assist us is certainly welcome."