Daily Dose - 020429 - AFTERMATH, Rotten News, two-bit whore, DDL, Hey Martha
AFTERMATH
A husband and wife were watching the devastation on TV of the World Trade Center; the videos of different countries around the world; crying with Americans over the events of the past few weeks; reporters updating and attempting to analyze political strategy; President Bush making speeches.
The wife turns to the husband and says, "I'm so thankful that Bush is our President. He is doing such a wonderful job."
The husband turns to the wife and says, "Shut up, Tipper!"
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Rotten News (true)
WORLD'S TOP ROAD SAFETY EXPERT KILLED BY BUS
By Andy Lines, Us Editor In New York
THE world's leading expert on road safety has been knocked down by a bus and killed.
Susie Stephens, 36, died as she ran across the street during a conference on how to cut road deaths in America. Friends and fellow campaigners were stunned by the savage irony of the tragedy.
Adam Spey, director of Thunderhead Alliance which fights on safety issues, said last night: "On an average day, 14 pedestrians get killed by vehicles in America.
"It's gut-wrenching to think that someone who spent so much of her life to keep that from happening is now one of the statistics."
Susie was killed instantly after leaving her hotel in St Louis, Missouri, to get some photocopies.
The driver of the tour bus said he didn't see her in time and was not charged.
But friends believe the law should be changed.
Barbara Culp, of the Bicycle Alliance, said: "We want to criminalise acts like the one that killed Susie.
"Bicycles and pedestrians are vulnerable but key pieces of the transportation mix.
"You can't fight with a vehicle. You're always going to lose - and Susie lost.""
Susie had been hired by the National Centre for Biking and Walking to coordinate the conference advising the US Department of Transportation.
Centre spokesman Bill Wilkinson said: "She was phenomenal with people.
"She was one of those people who was a bright light in any group.""
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SPCA fumes at Aids-wary goat molesters
[Johannesburg, 25 March] - Boys in a Northern Province village, where many people have apparently died of Aids, are allegedly turning their attention to goats: they think practising bestiality is the way to avoid getting the disease.
Now the National Societies for the Prevention of Cruelty Against Animals has appealed to people to come forward with information.
The NSPCA said it had noted an SABC news report that boys of Mamvuka Village in Nzhelele Valley in the far north of the province have sex with goats to avoid getting Aids. The organisation said other admissions were made during the news insert, which was broadcast on Sunday evening, but the NSPCA had not yet received any official complaints.
"Bestiality is a criminal offence. Charges can be laid under the Criminal Procedure Act and also in terms of the Animals Protection Act," the NSPCA statement said. It said two convictions were recently obtained for bestiality and both offenders were imprisoned without the option of a fine.
"An appeal is made to anyone with information on this - or any other bestiality offences to come forward. The NSPCA stresses that charges can only be laid and proceed when information sufficient to prove beyond reasonable doubt is to hand."
Captain Ailwei Mushavhanamadi said the Northern Province police had not received any reports of such crimes. But the SABC interviewed at least one boy who admitted he considered bestiality as safe sex, and that he and his friends had sex with goats up to four times a week.
"We know about Aids and we are very afraid of it. That is why we are having sex with these goats. Goats don't have Aids.
"We see people in the village dying everyday. It's because they have slept with one another and infected each other. Goats can't get those infections. We would therefore rather have sex with them," a grade 11 scholar said.
"It's obvious that if I'm not sick there is nothing I can transmit to goats and goats to me. We won't become HIV-positive because goats don't get Aids. We often share the same goat and don't get each other's diseases," he said.
The NSCPA said some of the statements made during the broadcast revealed a lack of education, and that an information campaign should be launched in the affected areas.
"Whether education or prosecution is the key, the matter cannot move forward without co-operation and solid information. The NSPCA is deeply concerned that the youths repeatedly stated their reasoning for having sex with goats - avoidance of Aids. It is suggested that urgency be given to correcting such myths."
The SABC reported that the practice affected goat-farming in the area. Sinah Musekwa, a goat owner, said nobody wanted to buy his goats any more.
"Since we've learnt that these rumours are true people don't want to be associated with these goats. No one wants anything to do with their meat or milk. I'm going to have to destroy my goats," he said.
[Sapa]
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A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, "What in the world happened to you, buddy?"
The guy says "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore."
"Yeah," says the bartender. "What did she do?"
"She hit me with her bag of quarters!"
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These remarks are from the old Hollywood Squares. (Pre-Whoopi Goldberg, for you kids in the crowd.) Back in the days when the celebrities hadn't been fed too awful many answers and came up with more than a few responses on their own:
Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does that mean?
A: George Goebel: Cattle crossing.
Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.
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DDL
There once was a man named Hinckley
Whose actions did certainly stinkley.
He was such a pagan
That he tried to kill Reagan
To impress Jodie Foster, I thinkley.
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"If you reject the food, ignore the customs, fear the religion and avoid the people, you might as well stay home."
--James Michener on traveling
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"Ask a question and you're a fool for three minutes; do not ask a question and you're a fool for the rest of your life."
--Chinese Proverb
***
"Unhappiness is not knowing what we want and killing ourselves to get it."
--Don Herold
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Hey Martha (true)
Wednesday, February 20, 2002
Toilet paper saves streets
ST. LOUIS, Mo. (AP) -- The toilet paper stuck on streets and blowing in the wind isn't the work of teen-age pranksters.
City repair crews are using 170 rolls of toilet paper a day to help repair cracks in St. Louis streets. It's used to keep sealant in place while it dries.
City officials say toilet paper has several advantages over the materials used previously -- sand, and sometimes leaf mulch. It's cheaper, it doesn't clog up the sewers and it doesn't stink like mulch.
Three citywide crack-filling operations use so much toilet paper that it's delivered to the street division headquarters on big, flatbed trucks.
The use of toilet paper for street repairs began in North Dakota years ago and is now starting to spread across the country, officials said.