Daily Dose - 020424 - CRISCO, BIZARRE NEWS, softball team, religious nuts, DDL, Hey Martha

CRISCO.........

There was an old guy wandering around the supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Crisssco!"

Finally a store clerk approached. "Sir, the Crisco is in aisle five."

"Oh," replied the old gentleman, "I'm not looking for cooking Crisco, I am calling my wife."

"Your wife is named "Crisco?"

"Nah," he answered, "I only call her that when we're out in public."

"Oh? What do you call her when you are at home?"

"Lard ass."

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BIZARRE NEWS....

Bizarre Sporting Mishaps

After beating 1000 rivals in a 500-mile race, Percy the racing pigeon flopped down exhausted in a Sheffield loft and was promptly eaten by a cat.

In preparation for the 1992 New York Golden Gloves Championships, boxer Daniel Caruso psyched himself up by pounding his gloves into his face. In doing so, he broke his nose and was disqualified from the match.

While waving to the crowd after finishing fourth in the 500cc US Motor Cycle Championship in 1989, Kevin Magee fell off the machine and broke his leg.

During a cricket game in Kalgoorlie, Australia, Stan Dawson was hit by a delivery which ignited a box of matches in his pocket. As he tried to beat down the flames, he was tagged out.

Russian athlete Ivanon Vyacheslav was so thrilled to win a medal at the 1956 Melbourne Olympics that he threw the medal high into the air. It landed in Lake Wendouree, and was never found.

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She Should Have Used eBay

LONDON - It's becoming increasingly true that you can buy anything on the internet. A British woman is offering her hand in marriage - for a price.

Kay Hammond, 24, says she's just too busy to find a date, so she placed an online ad reading ,"Kay Hammond, Internet entrepreneur, looking for a husband."

She says she's found a mate, or possibly two. The two men have agreed to pay her a $350,000 "reserve" price.

Hammond says she'll meet with them both, after background checks, and then marry the highest bidder. She currently knows the men only by their Internet sign-on names.

A spokeswoman says Hammond is "absolutely determined to go through with" the marriage.

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Plump Pro Had Crush On Client

PEORIA, Ill. - 20-year-old Rachael Thompson was a prostitute who catered to men who like their women on the robust side. Pushing 190 lbs she was well-suited to her chosen profession.

Last year, after providing service to 49-year-old Shiraz Jamsa, the client tried to skip on the bill. Thompsom wrestled him to the ground and sat on his 115 lb frame while trying to dig his wallet out of his pants.

He subsequently suffocated from the pressure.

Last week a Circuit judge gave Thompson the maximum penalty for involuntary manslaughter.

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Oregon man's wallet ends up in Japan

CORVALLIS, Ore. - Jason Powell figured he would never see his wallet again. Imagine his surprise when the wallet showed up in the mail, sent all the way from Japan.

Powell lost the wallet in the fields at the Oregon grass farm where he works. Apparently the wallet was picked up in combine, baled along with the straw and exported to Japan.

A Japanese farmer found the wallet and returned it, complete with the six bucks inside, credit cards and Powell's driver's license.

Powell says he was "shocked."

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Let It Never Be Said Indians Are Heartless People

INDIA - An Indian woman is breastfeeding a baby monkey found abandoned by its mother.

Namita Das says she was spurred to suckle it by a combination of maternal and religious feelings.

She recently gave birth after many years of trying for a baby and felt the need to save the animal because she is a devotee of the Hindu monkey god Hanuman.

The monkey was found almost dead by her woodcutter husband in a forest clearing. Local school teacher Ballabh Saha said: "We can't help feeling touched by her concern for the monkey. It's like she believes it is her own child."

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Power Bandit Gets a Charge Out of Stealing Electricity

DETROIT - It was lights out for a middle-aged thief when he tried to steal electricity off of a power line with automotive jumper cables.

According to police, the man had climbed a metal ladder with the jumper cables in his hand around 7:55 p.m. He fell off of the ladder and the power line fell on top of him. He was electrocuted as the power line came into contact with him. He was apparently squatting in the abandoned building close by the lines.

Police are still trying identify the man.

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As the manager of our hospital's softball team, I was responsible for returning equipment to the proper owners at the end of the season. When I walked into the surgery department carrying a bat that belonged to one of the surgeons, I passed several patients and their families in a waiting area.

"Look, honey," one man said to his wife. "Here comes your anesthesiologist."

[Borrowed from Reader's Digest.]

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A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.

"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.

From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

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DDL

There was a young fellow from Perth
Whose balls were the finest on earth
They grew to such size
That one won a prize
And goodness knows what they were worth.

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"Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination."
-Oscar Wilde

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"A budget tells us what we can't afford, but it doesn't keep us from buying it."
-William Feather

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"Never put off till tomorrow what you can get someone else to do today."
-Douglas Ottati

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Hey Martha (true)

Thursday, March 7, 2002

Nude motorcyclists baring it all

By MIKE SCHNEIDER-- Associated Press

SAMSULA, Fla. (AP) -- Eddie and Suzy Colosimo have house guests this week, and many of them are choosing not to wear clothes.

That has the Florida couple butting heads with the Volusia County Sheriff's Office, which has ordered visitors at the nude biker camp to leave.

The guests, about 50 of them, were drawn to the Colosimos' six-acre property by a sign on the fence that reads "Private party, nudity" and by an ad for a "camping party" in Florida Bikers Digest that promoted "adult bike games."

The "party" coincides with Daytona Beach's annual Bike Week, which is expected to draw about 500,000 motorcyclists before it ends Sunday.

The county has issued a cease-and-desist order against the Colosimos, who could be fined $1,000 a day or arrested if they don't comply.

"The question isn't whether they're a nudie camp; it's a land-use issue," said county spokesman Dave Byron.

Two dozen tents and campers are parked in a pasture in front of the Colosimos' house. A large campfire burns in a pit. Motorcycles are parked all over the grounds.

The visitors, Eddie Colosimo said, are friends or friends of friends.

"I feel it's my right to hold the party," said Colosimo, a 60-year-old former Marine who is on Social Security disability. "If they weren't friends when they got here, they've become friends."

Colosimo, who became a nudist eight years ago, said he hasn't made any money from hosting the visitors, who pay a "donation" of $10 per person per night, and he enjoys their company.

Nudity, added his friend, William "Gator" Mathis, 56, is "part of biker culture."

Each visitor gets a sheet listing "party rules." Among them are "no nudity outside our gates, no hard drugs" and a plea to respect neighbors.

Colosimo has installed four portable toilets and hooked up a shower to a hot water heater for his visitors.

Colosimo said all he wants to do is be able to host his parties during Bike Week and Biketoberfest -- Daytona's sister motorcycle event in October -- and he doesn't want to give bikers a bad name.

"I don't want the Southern Baptists to be able to seize on something," Colosimo said. "In their eyes, we're already heathens."