Daily Dose - 020421 - ARE THEY REAL, BIZARRE NEWS, upscale restaurant, DDL, Hey Martha
ARE THEY REAL?
Visiting the zoo one day, a lady noticed one of the kangaroos had a huge set of balls. She couldn't believe the size of these hummers, and when the 'roo ventured close to the bars of the enclosure, she reached thru the bars and gave his cods a squeeze. The animal, startled, jumped clear over the fence and bounded away down the path.
A keeper saw the critter fading out of sight, and running up to the woman, said, "What did you do to that kangaroo?"
"I just gave his nuts a tweak to see if they were real!" she wailed.
"Well," he said, dropping his pants, "you'd better tweak mine, 'cause I have to catch that sucker!"
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BIZARRE NEWS.....
Bizarre Holidays
FEBRUARY
February is... National Blah Buster Month,
February is... International Twit Award Month,
February 1 is... Serpent Day
February 3 is... Cordova Ice Worm Day
February 4 is... Create A Vacuum Day
February 16 is... Do A Grouch A Favor Day
February 17 is... Champion Crab Races Day
February 20 is... Hoodie Hoo Day
February 23 is... International Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day
February 25 is... Pistol Patent Day (Samuel Colt)
February 28 is... Public Sleeping Day
February 29 is... National Surf and Turf Day
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Attack of the Killer Tomatoes
GENEVA - A pair of 72-DDs is being blamed for the death of a 32-year-old groom-to-be who was celebrating his bachelor party at a popular strip club.
The well-endowed Kandy Kane was giving Daniel Greene a "lap dance" and began smothering his face with her humongous hooters. Witnesses said Greene began waving his hands around, but everyone thought he was just enjoying the attention.
"Who could have known that he was signaling for help?" said a confused friend.
Onlookers eventually realized that Greene was no longer moving, and pulled him from between Miss Kane's breasts. Now Greene's family is suing Miss Kane and the strip club for wrongful death.
"Those breasts were lethal weapons," Greene's father told reporters.
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Girls Gone Litigious
A Florida court is being asked to settle an invasion-of-privacy issue that has one young co-ed claiming she was stripped of her dignity.
The manufacturer of the "Girls Gone Wild" videotapes that contain images of college students and others cavorting in states of undress is being sued by a Florida State University business major who appears in one of the tapes and in a late night commercial.
The woman -- who admits that she removed her top in exchange for beads and trinkets, as is the custom at Mardi Gras in New Orleans -- is suing for unspecified damages. The company that produces the tapes says that privacy protection does not exist for people who take their clothes off in a public place -- especially one that is likely to be rife with photographic equipment.
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Peeping Toms Dress As Plants for a Piece of the Action
MALAYSIA - Nothing will stop these voyeurs.
After police ripped down their tree house, a group of voyeurs have resorted to disguising themselves as plants in order to still view their targets. They pretend to be plants and often hide in bushes or trees while watching lovers make out at a popular parking spot.
Councilor Chow Wai Fatt said, "According to police, the peeping toms are dubbed Ninjas and get into action after 6:30 p.m." The "ninjas" are able to see after dusk with the use of night-vision binoculars.
A couple complained about a voyeur dressed as a plant who fell out of a tree right in front of their car.
Police are warning young couples to be on the lookout if they go to the popular make out point.
In affect, the targets must now spy on the peeping toms.
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High School Outcast Takes Playmate to School Dance
CALIFORNIA - Toby Hocking felt like the school outcast, and his college entrance essay detailed his feelings of alienation. The essay found its way into the hands of former Playboy Playmate Petra Verkiak, Miss December 1989. One of Verkiak's friends received a copy of the essay from Toby's mother and she identified with the student.
Verkiak said, "I thought it was really deep. And I related to it."
She told Toby she would be his date at the school dance where the girls ask out the boys.
He almost passed up his chance to escort the ex-Playmate, but eventually agreed. "At first I thought, 'Go to the dance with a 35-year-old?'
But then I realized she's really hot," the boy said.
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Urine-Blessing Holy Man Has Indian Doctors Pee-Oed
PUNJAB, India - "...and this little piggy went wee wee wee all over town."
Doctors in an Indian village say they're losing business to a holy man selling a 'divine urine cocktail'.
Residents of Chomo Ber Kalan in Punjab are requesting to have urine blessed by 86-year-old Tantrik Baba. Officials say Baba tells his patients to bring along five litres of their partner's urine which they then drink.
The so-called holy man told reporters the cocktail "can get rid of any disease on earth."
According to a police spokesman, "It's possible the doctors have a business problem but we can only step in when there are formal complaints."
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Classic Bizarre Moments from the Archives
MORRISTOWN, TN - A man who thought his wife was cheating on him decided to take drastic measures and placed what he called a "chastity lock" through his wife's genitals.
Floyd Weseman is being charged with aggravated assault after his wife fled away in terror and filed charges against her demented husband.
He allegedly cut holes on both sides of her vagina and inserted a 3/4 inch lock through the holes.
When arrested, police found the key on his person.
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I was nervous the night my husband and I brought our three young sons to an upscale restaurant for the first time.
My husband ordered a bottle of wine with the meal. When the server brought it, our children became quiet as she began the ritual uncorking.
She poured a small amount for me to taste, and then our six-year-old piped up, "Mom usually drinks a lot more than that!"
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DDL
There once was a fellow named Jim
Who took his girl out for a spin
The speedometer rose
The gas pedal froze
They found parts of her but not him.
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"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
-Rich Cook
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"My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character.
-Charles Barkley
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"Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and more caring. I used to pay my check, they'd say, 'Thank you.' That graduated into 'Have a nice day.' That's now escalated into 'You take care of yourself now.' The other day I paid my check - the waiter said, 'Don't put off that mammogram."
-Rita Rudner
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Hey Martha (true)
Monday March 25, 2002
Playboy magazine seeks women of Enron
HOUSTON (AP) -- Playboy is hoping to entice some of the women who lost their shirts in the Enron scandal to reveal a little bit more.
The magazine is putting together a Women of Enron pictorial and is inviting employees past and present to send snapshots of themselves in bikinis if they wish to pose.
"This is an opportunity for them to do something fun in the midst of the turmoil that's going on in their lives. These are women who are out of a job," Playboy spokeswoman Elizabeth Norris said. "We are offering what you could view as a part-time job, or what might turn into a new career."
Plenty of women at the heart of scandals have appeared on Playboy's pages, including televangelist mistress Jessica Hahn.
"That's rich," said Deborah DeFforge, co-chairwoman of the Severed Enron Employees Coalition. "We've had so much depressing news or stressful news, and then to all of a sudden come up with something like that, it's kind of cute."
DeFforge said she would not pose, but added: "I'm sure there are some in the younger set who would be perfect."