Daily Dose - 020416 - 710 CAP, BIZARRE NEWS, NEAR FUTURE, DDL, Hey Martha
710 CAP
The other day I was in the local auto part store. A lady comes in and asks for a seven ten cap. We all look at each other and ask, "What's a seven ten cap?"
She says, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow and I need a new one."
"What kind of a car is it?" they ask. Now I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no, she says that it's a Buick.
"Okay, Lady, how big is it?"
She makes a circle with her hands about 2 1/2 inches in diameter.
"What does it do?" we ask.
She says, "I don't know, but it's always been there."
One of us gives her a note pad and asks her if she can draw a picture of it. So she makes a circle about 2 1/2 inches in diameter and in the center she writes 710. The guys behind the counter are looking at it upside down as she writes it...and they just fall down behind the counter laughing so hard in hysterics.
One guy says, "I think you want an OIL cap."
She says, "Seven Ten cap, oil cap, I don't care what you call it. I just need one, and I don't see what is so damn funny about it."
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BIZARRE NEWS....
Bizarre Sexual Trivia
According to unsubstantiated sources:
55 percent of women say they've faked an orgasm at one time or another.
33 percent of women admit they moan in bed, 7 percent shriek and 13 percent laugh.
The most popular sexual position is missionary, followed by the woman on top and "doggie style."
58 percent of women cuddle after sex, but 8 percent just "lie there silently."
Only 4 percent think bicyclists have "attractive physiques." 30 percent say swimmers have the sexiest bodies.
28 percent have the hots for gymnasts.
22 percent like volleyball players.
But only 14 percent say sprinters get their hearts racing
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Robber's Brilliant Plan Goes Down the Drain
CLAIRTON, Pittsburgh - A plumber in Pittsburgh must have been sniffing too much pipe dope when he decided to rob a string of convenience stores.
Robert Peter Nelson, 21, might have gotten away with it, had the name "Nelson Plumbing and Heating" not been plastered in big bold leters along with the telephone number on his van.
Witnesses at the three convenience stores described the van with the telephone number for incredulous police, who arrested Nelson as he got out of the van in Clairton on Sunday.
An officer was familiar with where the van was usually parked.
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Man Robs Bank for His Own Money
TANDIL, Argentina - Here's a twist to the traditional bank robber story: an Argentinian man robbed a bank for his own money.
As a regular customer, he tried withdrawing money to pay for medicine, but was refused due to Argentina's economic crisis. Banks are not allowing customers to withdraw large sums of money at one time.
He didn't give up, though. The customer visited the bank a second time, this time with a grenade.
Bank employees then called the head office in Buenos Aires for permission to give the man money from his savings account. After several threats from the robber, they relinquished the cash.
The bank clerks immediately called the police, and the suspect was arrested. He may later face charges of extortion and possessing military equipment, but is under house arrest for now.
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Would You Like a Cup of Coffee?
SYRACUSE, New York - A male employee at a social services office in New York must have been tired of fetching coffee for his co-workers. He allegedly masturbated into his colleagues' coffee cups and is subsequently facing public lewdness charges.
The alleged victims are experiencing a range of emotions and have been offered counseling and medical tests.
According to Sergeant John D'Eredita, investigations will continue, but the man has been charged with three counts of second-degree harassment, three counts of criminal nuisance and three counts of public lewdness.
(So, would you like sugar with your cream?)
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"Sniff Yourself Thinner" Body Lotion
JAPAN - The famous Shiseido cosmetic company remains the leader of aromachology, the study of the effects of aromas on the human mind and body, and they have recently discovered that certain smells can help people lose weight.
Smells like grapefruit, pepper, fennel and tarragon are especially helpful in stimulating the sympathetic nerve system which leads to weight loss.
Thus, Shiseido has developed lotions with these smells to encourage loss. The "sniff yourself thinner" lotion might be on the market in Japan in as early as March.
In the research period, women wearing the lotion reported losing weight and becoming slimmer in the hip and waist area.
I'm almost afraid to ask what's next...
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Parrot's Death Ruffles a Few Feathers in Germany
BERLIN - Isn't this a kick in the head...or a punch in the beak.
A German man who killed his parrot for screeching by punching it in the head has been reportedly fined $925.
The 41-year-old told the court that he had just had a fight with his girlfriend, and became agitated when Charlie, his fine feathered friend, started screeching. Police had been called to his home when neighbors mistook the parrot's screeching for human screams.
The man had owned the African gray parrot with red tailfeathers for 11 years.
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Classic Bizarre Moments from the Archives
DETROIT, MI - One of the most bizarre airplane hijack attempts recently occurred on a flight from New York to Detroit.
The incident did not make national news, but we have uncovered it in a local paper.
A man jumped out of his seat, brandished a gun and declared, "This is a hijack, take me to Detroit."
When the stewardess informed him that the plane was already heading to Detroit, the man sat down without another word. He was arrested immediately after the plane landed.
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THE NEAR FUTURE...The US has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and in- structed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: ATTACK OR RETREAT?
The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES.
The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally they submit a second request to the computer: Yes WHAT?
Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR!
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DDL
A retired Civil Servant from Gately,
Who lived in a home some called stately,
Kept lions, for fun,
In a wire net run,
But he hasn't been seen around lately
****
By beauty I am not a star.
There are others more handsome by far.
My face I don't mind it.
because I'm behind it.
It's the people in front that I jar.
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"Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade themselves they have a better idea."
-John Ciardi
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"An acquaintance is someone we know well enough to borrow from but not enough to lend to."
-Ambrose Bierce
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"What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce."
-Mark Twain
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Hey Martha (true)
Wednesday, February 27, 2002
Convict threatens suit over frozen toes
BANGOR, Maine (AP) -- A convicted sex offender who fled into the woods when approached by a detective is threatening to sue, saying he lost a few toes to frostbite because police were slow in arresting him.
Harvey Taylor, 48, spent at least three nights in the woods after running from a Penobscot County Sheriff's detective a few weeks ago.
"If the detective had done his job, I wouldn't be in here now. I would have been in jail that very same day," Taylor told the Bangor Daily News in an interview Tuesday from his hospital room.
Taylor said he has had "two or three" toes amputated on his left foot due to frostbite. He said he wasn't sure of the number because he didn't want to look too closely at his foot.
A hospital spokesman declined to comment on his condition.
Chief Deputy Glenn Ross of the sheriff's office said Taylor is wanted in Florida for probation violations linked to his convictions for sexual offenses involving a minor child.
Ross defended the actions of the detective.
"He was cautious and professional," he said. "(Taylor) made some decisions and he has to live with the consequences."