Daily Dose - 020415 - Steak and BJ Day, BIZARRE NEWS, minesweeper, DDL, Hey Martha
Guys, you know the drill. Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for a significant other by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic.
Every Valentines day you rack your brains for that one special, unique gift that will show your wife or girlfriend that you really do love them more than any other.
Now ladies, I'll let you in on a little secret; guys really don't enjoy this that much. Sure seeing that smile on your face when we get it right is priceless, but that smile is the result of weeks of blood, sweat and consideration. Another secret; guys feel left out.
That's right, there's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or too embarrassed to admit it.
Which is why a new holiday has been created. "April 16" is now officially Steak and Blowjob Day.
Simple, effective and self explanatory, this holiday has been created so you ladies finally have a day to show your man how much you love him. No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town; the name of the holiday explains it all, just a steak and a BJ.
That's it. Finally, this twin pair of Valentine's Day and Steak and Blowjob Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere try THAT much harder in February to ensure a memorable 'April 16th'.
Its like a perpetual love machine! The word is already beginning to spread, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word and help bring love and peace to this crazy world and, of course, Steak and BJs.
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BIZARRE NEWS....
Bizarre Last Words
Ludwig Van Beethoven, 1827: "I shall hear in heaven." By the time of his death, Beethoven was completely deaf.
Andrew Bradford, the publisher of Philadelphia's first newspaper, 1742: "Oh Lord, forgive the errata!"
W.C. Fields, who had been flipping through the Bible on his deathbed, 1946: "I'm looking for a loophole."
Neville Heath, the murderer who requested a glass of whiskey as his last wish before being hanged, 1946: "You might make that a double."
Karl Marx, after his housekeeper had asked whether he had a final message for the world, 1883: "Go on, get out! Last words are for fools who haven't said enough."
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Woman Stuck to Airplane Toilet for Entire Flight
OSLO, Norway - An American woman has filed a complaint with Scandinavian Airlines System (SAS) after being stuck on the toilet during an international flight.
When the woman went to the restroom during a flight from Scandinavia to the United States, she had no idea she would be spending the remainder of the flight in the tiny space.
She pressed the flush button while still sitting on the seat, which activated a system to clean the toilet by vacuum. Thus, the highpressure vacuum sealed her bottom to the seat.
A SAS spokeswoman said, "She could not get up by herself and had to sit on the toilet until the flight had landed so that ground technicians could help her get loose. She was stuck there for quite a long time."
Hmmm...what did the other passengers use for a restroom the entire time?
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Thief Gets Stiff Fine for Stealing Bull Semen
COOKVILLE, Texas - This is no bull! A 34-year-old man was arrested after allegedly stealing several thousand dollars worth of bull semen from a cattle ranch near Cookville.
According to police, Joey Allen Long threw some of the bull semen, contained in applicator straws, out the window, during the pursuit, then slowed down along Titus County Road SE 6 and jumped from the rolling vehicle to escape on foot.
A tank of bull semen was found inside the vehicle and an artificial insemination kit was also recovered.
Long was arrested near U.S. 67 after another foot chase, and taken into custody.
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Shakespeare Behind Bars
LAGRANGE, Kentucky - From the director of the "Not-Behind-Bars Kentucky Shakespeare Festival" comes a new project entitled "Shakespeare Behind Bars."
Almost 25 inmates at the Luther Lucket Correctional Complex in LaGrange, Kentucky, are producing, staging, and acting in the William Shakespeare play "Titus Adronicus".
Thus far, the performances have played to standing-room-only crowds, and friends and family pass through several barriers before entering. They must endure a vehicle checkpoint, two metal detectors, and four locking doors.
For some of the actors, several scenes produce a sense of deja vu. One inmate said that acting in the death scene was "almost a reenactment of the crime I committed."
I'm sure that's comforting to the audience.
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Young Man Gets "Nailed" To Prove Manhood
RAMPUR, India - Most people would just flex their muscles or pick a fight to demonstrate they're strength. But evidently that was not enough for 18-year-old Rajender Singh.
The Northern India teenager apparently was upset after being teased by friends over his ambition to join up in the event of war with Pakistan. So he decided to drive a box of one inch nails into his hands and feet to show he was tough enough.
According to Manohar Kejriwal, a bank employee, who took Rajender to hospital, "The boys had gone but he kept saying that if he could drink beer like them there was no reason why he couldn't become an army man."
A police spokesman said Rajender would not be charged with attempted suicide "in view of his noble desire to serve the country."
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Classic Bizarre Moments from the Archives
MUNICH, Germany - Three theologians filed a lawsuit by proxy for Jesus Christ.
They decided that both Protestant and Roman Catholic churches have brought the Lord's name into disrepute.
The plaintiff's tried to invoke a law that allows people to defend the reputations of their dead relatives.
"In view of their bloody history, it's a fraud," one member told the court.
The judge threw the case out of court because Christians believe that Christ rose from the dead, thereby disqualifying him for posthumous representation.
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When I was in Uncle's Big Ass Canoe Club I was once stationed aboard a minesweeper. At the time, they named the sweeps after adjectives. For instance, our sister ship was the "Fearless." There was the "Agile." The "Bold." The "Direct."
Being the smart ass I am, I wanted to continue the trend with the "Clueless." You think the Russians would have feared the "Inept" or the "Slothful"?
One time we got to meet some fellow NATO sailors from the United Kingdom. They steamed up along side us as we were conducting some war games. Ahhh, what an absolutely beautiful ship it was. Brand spanking new. (You have to remember the sweep I was on was older than every man serving aboard her.)
The Captain ordered the Signalman to send by flashing light this message to the British ship: "YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!"
Not ten seconds later they flashed back, "I'LL BET YOU SAY THAT TO ALL THE SHIPS!"
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DDL
Do Scotsmen wear kilts for the whistle,
Of wind round their bollocks and gristle?
Or is it the thrill...
When they're climbing a hill...
Of the sharp scratchy tickle of thistle?
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"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he'd learned in seven years."
-Mark Twain
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(In a restaurant to waitress): "I didn't complain about the steak, my dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tied up out back."
-W.C. Fields
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"Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it."
-Robert Frost
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Hey Martha (true)
Wednesday, March 20, 2002
Gas bar sex assault sparks calls
Woman fondles male attendant, 17
By KIM BRADLEY-- Sun Media
TORONTO -- A sex attack on a 17-year-old gas jockey in York Region has prompted a flood of calls to one gas station from other teen boys wanting jobs.
John Siarkas, whose family has owned the Esso on King Rd. at Dufferin St. for 30 years, said several teens called him yesterday looking for work after they heard about the incident involving a male worker and a woman at another station.
Sunday's assault happened at a York Region station just before it closed at supper time.
Police say a woman in her 40s got gas and when she went inside to pay she told the teen she had a knife. She then fondled his genitals and performed fellatio behind the till.
Const. Steve Morrell said yesterday the teen had refused the woman's advances during previous visits.
"Anytime anyone feels someone has touched them in an unwanted sexual manner, we take it seriously," Morrell said.
"There is no double standard under the law. If the roles were reversed and it was a young girl who was attacked, there would be outrage right now."
The brown-haired, brown-eyed culprit sped away after the attack.
Police are reviewing security tapes to identify the woman. The suspect is about 5-foot-2, 120 pounds, wearing a brown leather jacket and olive pants.