Daily Dose - 020414 - BAD NEWS, Rotten News, funeral home, sportsmanship, DDL, Hey Martha
BAD NEWS
Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident.
He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says his wife's been in an accident.
They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.
"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks. "Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?"
The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."
"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?"
"Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability.This means you will have to feed her."
Mr. Jones begins to sob. "And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."
Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly.
"Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."
Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.
The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincter. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly."
Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.
Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder. "Hey, I'm just fucking with you. She's dead."
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Rotten News... (TRUE !)
Porn upsets Palestinians
Agence France-Presse
31mar02
PORN movies and programs in Hebrew are being broadcast by Israeli troops who have taken over three Palestinian television stations of Ramallah, irate residents of the besieged West Bank town have told AFP.
The offices of three local television and radio stations were occupied by soldiers yesterday morning, a few hours after tanks and hundreds of troops stormed the town in Israel's biggest offensive against the Palestinian Authority and its leader Yasser Arafat.
The soldiers started broadcasting the porn clips -- considered extremely offensive by most Muslims -- intermittently this afternoon from the Al-Watan, Ammwaj, and Al-Sharaq channels, the residents said.
"The pornographic movies started on Al-Watan television at around 3:30 pm," one 34-year-old Palestinian mother named Reema told AFP.
"I have six children at home, they have nowhere to go with what is going on here and can't even watch TV," she said angrily.
"It's not healthy really. I think the Israelis want to mess with our young men's heads," she said.
Anita, a 52-year-old mother of three children, complained about "the deliberate psychological damage caused by these broadcasts".
"I am furious, these are the people who are shooting at us that also play this disgusting trick on us," she said.
"We are desperate for news and constantly flipping channels and get these terrible pictures instead," adding that videos of the intifada were also shown backwards with "ideal terrorism" written in red across the screen.
"Luckily, there is no electricity in half of Ramallah," she said from her house in east Jerusalem where the channels are also available.
A fourth local station, whose premises were not seized by the army, ran a written message across its screen letting people know it was the Israelis who were behind the graphic scenes.
"Anything currently shown on Al-Watan and other local TV channels has nothing to do with Palestinian programs but is being broadcast by the Israeli occupation forces, we urge parents to take precautions," the message said.
The Israeli military denied that it had anything to do with the pornographic programming and instead blamed the Palestinian leaders.
"The Israeli security forces have no interest in putting pornographic and racist movies on Palestinian television," an army spokesman told AFP.
"The only reason we are in these buildings and in this city is to fight against terrorists and their infrastructure after giving the Palestinians various chances to it themselves," he said.
Palestinian leader Yasser "Arafat is willing to go low in order to make himself look better in this uncomfortable situation", he said.
Israeli foreign ministry spokesman Emmanuel Nachshon said any such broadcasting was "shameful", but said he was not aware of the Israeli army's involvement.
"I cannot believe that Israeli soldiers would engage in such despicable behaviour," he said.
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Lawmaker suggests subs to sink casinos
The Associated Press
FRANKFORT — Rep. Tom Burch has a solution to the danger posed to Kentucky's horse industry from casino riverboats on the Ohio River: Sink 'em.
Mr. Burch, a Louisville Democrat and self-described “Old Navy man,” said he came up with the idea of a state submarine force to attack the riverboats so he could poke fun at opponents of slot machine casinos at Kentucky racetracks.
Mr. Burch said the “hypocrites who say they can save Kentuckians from gambling” by opposing slots at racetracks ignore the reality of the riverboat casinos in Indiana and Illinois.
To make his point, Mr. Burch offered a resolution to the House urging the creation of a Kentucky Navy to patrol the Ohio River and “engage and destroy any casino riverboats that the submarine may encounter.”
The resolution also authorizes the notification of the “riverboat consulate” of the “impending whoopin' so that they may remove their casino vessels to friendlier waters.”
Actually, Kentucky already has a submarine force of a sort with the firepower to easily eliminate a riverboat, or a medium-size nation, for that matter.
The USS Louisville is a 360-foot fast attack submarine, armed with torpedoes and cruise missiles designed to take out nuclear missile submarines and other opposition naval forces. The USS Kentucky is a Trident ballistic missile submarine whose nuclear warheads can level an entire country.
But the subs' size would make them difficult to hide in the Ohio River. The Louisville is 360 feet long, and the Kentucky is 560 feet.
The resolution has not been offered for a vote, though Mr. Burch had it read in the House this week.
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Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining of severe abdominal pains. We rushed to the emergency room, where they gave him a series of tests to determine the source of the pain.
My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we knew what was wrong. When the results came back, the nurse informed us that, true to our suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone.
I turned to my husband and asked, "Would you like me to call the funeral home now?"
With an alarmed look, the nurse quickly said, "Ma'am, he's not THAT sick!"
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At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded yes.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you are out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?" Again, the boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."
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DDL
An uptight young lady named Breerley
Who valued her morals too dearly
Had sex, so I hear,
Only once every year,
And she strained her vagina severely.
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One day a man approached Groucho Marx and he said, "Please insult my wife. She loves your work. It would really give her a thrill if you insulted her."
Groucho turned to the man and said, "Sir, you should be ashamed of yourself. To be married to a woman like that and not be able to think up your own insults!"
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A couple of week ago I ran a poll to ask folks to pick one of the Winter Olympic sports which would best describe their sex life.
Visitor Susan wrote in the comment area about the Biathlon:
"Big long race for me, a little quick shooting for him."
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Taxpayer's Lament
Tax his cow, Tax his goat;
Tax his pants, Tax his coat;
Tax his crop, Tax his work;
Tax his ties, Tax his shirt;
Tax his chew, Tax his smoke
Teach him taxing is no joke.
Tax his tractor, Tax his mule;
Tell him, Taxing is the rule.
Tax his oil, Tax his gas
Tax his notes, Tax his cash
Tax him good and let him know,
That after taxes, he has no dough.
If he hollers, Tax him more;
Tax him till he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin, Tax his grave,
Tax his sod in which he's laid.
Put these words upon his tomb,
"Taxes drove him to his doom."
After he's gone, we won't relax.
We'll still collect the inheritance tax.
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Monday, April 1, 2002
April Fool's prank drives down loonie
By SANDRA CORDON-- The Canadian Press
OTTAWA (CP) -- The loonie showed it has no sense of humour Monday, sinking under the weight of a prank Internet report that federal Finance Minister Paul Martin was quitting politics to breed cattle and ducks.
The April Fool's Day gag, which began on a political Web site, quickly spread to financial markets and took a major bite out of the wobbly Canadian dollar.
And the fact the dollar didn't recover once the truth came out shows how eager currency traders are to bet against the buck, said a Toronto analyst.
The dollar lost a fifth of a cent in early Monday trading after the prank story appeared under the headline Paul Martin Quits Politics.
According to the Bourque Web site, the veteran finance minister -- who has been credited with getting Ottawa's books in order and turning a surplus -- was giving up politics.
"He will retire to a quieter life outside of the limelight to devote greater time to his wife and to a burgeoning hobby interest in the breeding of prize Charolais cattle and handsome Fawn Runner ducks, which he plans to show this fall at the Brome Lake & Havelock fairs," according to the prank piece.
Money traders were not amused, driving down the dollar to 62.52 cents US during morning trading from its previous close of 62.73 cents.
It gained a small amount during thin trading Monday but closed the day still weak at 62.55 cents US.
A Finance official denied Martin had any plans to quit and laughed off the April Fool's Day prank. "You do know what day this is, right?"
The official added the finance minister hadn't yet seen the Web article, which also said Liberal party insiders were predicting mayhem "from the riding level on up," as a result of Martin's reported retirement.
Martin is a front-runner in the unofficial race to replace Prime Minister Jean Chretien.
Much of the damage to the currency was attributed to the reaction of one serious analyst who was taken in by the prank, said Steve Saldanha, a currency specialist with TD Bank Group.
The Gartman Letter, a respected daily newsletter that mixes analysis of currency, stock and bond markets with some politics, mentioned the Bourque headline about Martin quitting in its early Monday edition.
Though Dennis Gartman later sent out a correction, the damage was done. Traders who initially sold off the dollar on the strength of the Gartman report didn't bother to reverse their actions later, said Saldanha.
"The story is not so much that it weakened off, but why didn't it come back when it was proven the report was a joke?" he said. "That's what's concerning me."
Columnist Pierre Bourque shrugged off the stir his Web story created.
"It is April 1, after all," said Bourque, whose Web site later admitted the story was an April Fool's Day joke.
"The ducks were the tell-tale sign."