Daily Dose - 020409 - TENT POLE, Rotten News, waitress of my dreams, ambiguity, DDL, Hey Martha
Joe woke up one morning and looked for his wife, Sue, but she wasn't there. She had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the kitchen.
Joe was afraid he might spoil 'the moment' by getting up, so he wrote out a note, called his son, and sent the little boy to deliver the note to Sue.
THE TENT POLE IS UP,
THE CANVAS IS SPREAD,
THE HELL WITH BREAKFAST,
COME BACK TO BED.
The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy. It read:
TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN
PUT THE CANVAS AWAY
THE MONKEY HAD A HEMORRHAGE
NO CIRCUS TODAY.
So he sent another note down. It read:
THE TENT POLE'S STILL UP
AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD
SO DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING
AND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD
To which she replied:
I'M SURE THAT YOUR POLE'S
THE BEST IN THE LAND
BUT I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW
SO DO IT BY HAND
_____________________________
Rotten News.... (TRUE !!)
April 17, 2001
Brains And Fetuses Found In Doctor's Storage Unit
Today's lesson: always pay your bills on time. A neurologist in Maine learned this the hard way last week when officials cleaned out his rental storage unit because he was behind on payments. Upon examining the contents of the crates within, human brains and fetuses were found. How does the neurologist explain having 26 brains and a couple of fetuses? He says they were given to him when he graduated from medical school. It sounds like the hot graduation gift of the new millennium.
(Kennebec Journal)
*********
April 23, 2001
Brain Eating Amoebae On the Loose
A deadly amoeba is on the loose in the San Francisco Bay Area. Its first victim was a three-year-old girl who died after being infected with amoeba Balamuthia, a strange and unique disease discovered only eleven years ago.The amoeba managed to put her into a coma, destroy her brain and took its time killing her over two days. Scientists know little about the origin of this single-cell organism, which has killed around 100 people with total effectiveness.
(San Francisco Chronicle)
*********
May 23, 2001
Chinese Penis Trap
An elderly, adulterous, couple in Singapore were taken to the hospital for being unable separate themselves after sex. The 50-year-old [gross] woman reportedly consumed some sort of Viagra-wannabe aphrodisiac. The drug is being blamed for her 60-year-old [dirty] partner's humiliating failure at coital disengagement. Neighbors had heard the couple's cries for help and called an ambulance. They were then carried outside, still naked and attached at the crotch. Not only are they now the laughing stock of the village, they have shown that old people having sex isn't just disgusting, it can also be a source of amusement and ridicule for people around the world. [Glad they aren't my parents.]
(IPOH)
**********
April 17, 2001
Cranky Jews Demanding Money from U.S.
Two Holocaust survivors have filed a class-action lawsuit against the United States government for choosing not to bomb Auschwitz during World War II. The plaintiffs Kurt Julius Goldstein and Peter Gingold, now in their mid-80's, are seeking $40 billion in damages for survivors and their descendents.
The suit cites an executive order issued by President Roosevelt on January 22, 1944 to take all measures to rescue the European Jews. They speculate that had the U.S. bombed the concentration camp, it would have prevented 400,000 Hungarian Juden from being later sent there. The executive order, however, was apparently ignored due to pressure from American companies with business ties to Germany. Holocaust groups have denounced the lawsuit as greedy and frivolous.
(Forward)
_______________________________
Not long ago I met the waitress of my dreams.
About halfway through dinner I called the waitress over and said, "Ma'am, this potato is bad."
She nodded, picked up the potato and smacked it. Then she put it back on my plate and said, "Sir, if that potato causes any more trouble, you just let me know."
____________________________
As any experienced conversationalist can tell you, ambiguity is the key to winning any argument. Following are a few popular proverbs and counter-proverbs that will allow you to turn a conversation in any direction you want. Who can argue with the wit and wisdom of our fore fathers, or even our five fathers?
Actions speak louder than words.
The pen is mightier than the sword.
Look before you leap.
He who hesitates is lost.
Many hands make light work.
Too many cooks spoil the broth.
Clothes make the man.
Don't judge a book by its cover.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Better safe than sorry.
The bigger, the better.
The best things come in small packages.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Out of sight, out of mind.
What will be, will be.
Life is what you make it.
Cross your bridges when you come to them.
Forewarned is forearmed.
What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
One man's meat is another man's poison.
With age comes wisdom.
Out of the mouths of babes come all wise sayings.
The more, the merrier.
Two's company; three's a crowd.
___________________________
DDL
I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda,
I was lewd, but my God! she was lewder.
She said it was crude
To be wooed in the nude---
I pursued her, subdued her, and screwed her.
___________________________
How are women like snow flakes???
They are all beautiful.
They are all different.
They can be cold as ice.
But they'll all melt when they land on your face.
___________________________
"The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don't just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary."
-- James D. Nicoll
___________________________
Hey Martha (true)
Tuesday, August 14, 2001
Two men face charges for taking testicles
EDMONTON (CP) -- Two men are facing charges for allegedly removing the testicles from a fibreglass bison, but police say they are still on the lookout for whoever neutered 19 other decorative animals.
The life-size bison were among 32 that were painted to represent different countries and placed along Edmonton streets during the recent world track and field championships. Each animal was to be auctioned off with the proceeds going to charity.
Police said they acted on a tip early Friday morning and found two men, one from Toronto and one from Edmonton, with a pair of fibreglass testicles. Mischief charges were expected for both.
"In the meantime, a vandalism spree in which 19 other replica bison had their testicles removed appears unrelated and remains unsolved," police spokesman Dean Parthenis said Tuesday.