Daily Dose - 020408 - morning glory, BIZARRE NEWS, Dear Mom, DDL, Hey Martha
My good friend Michael sent me a link which talked about this poor guy who's in charge of collecting sperm at the Singapore zoo.
A Mr. Binatang, a recent college grad with a diploma of life sciences, starts work early because, "A lot of the animals have 'morning glory' when they wake up and it's easier to collect the sperm."
He said the worst one to get it from is the orangutan because, "He expects to be kissed first." He said the elephant is a challenge because, "Of the size of his . . . ' thing.' I sometimes have to use both arms to tug on it."
Mr. Binatang says his relations with his wife have suffered. "Each time my wife initiates sex, ejaculating hippos keep floating through my mind."
____________________________
BIZARRE NEWS....
Bizarre Animal Heroes
CARLETTA THE COW - At his Tuscany farm in 1986, Bruno Cipriano's pet cow, Carletta, saved him from being gored by a boar when she charged at the beast and butted it with her horns.
PRISCILLA THE PIG - Owned by Victoria Herberta of Houston, Texas, Priscilla hit the headlines in 1984 when she swam to the rescue of an 11-year-old boy. She used her snout to keep his head above water until he could hold on to her collar and then dragged him to the safety of the shore.
LEO THE POODLE - Leo the poodle was out playing with his owners, brother and sister Sean and Erin Callahan, when the trio encountered a rattlesnake. Leo leapt between it and 11-year-old Sean, enabling the boy to escape. Although receiving six bites to the head, Leo somehow survived.
A SCHOOL OF DOLPHINS - In 1989 Adam Maguire was surfing near Sydney when he was attacked by a shark. As the shark moved in for the kill, it was distracted by a school of dolphins thrashing around in the water. To prevent the shark reaching its prey, the dolphins swam around it in circles until Adam's friends had managed to rescue him.
BARRY THE ST. BERNARD - During his 12-year career in the Swiss Alps Barry rescued more than 40 people, among them a small boy trapped in an avalanche. Barry spread himself across the boy's body to keep him warm. To complete the rescue, Barry carried the boy to the nearest house.
**********
I Need This Surgery Like I Need a Hole In My Head
PROVIDENCE, R.I. - A surgeon at Rhode Island Hospital operated on the wrong side of a man's head after a CT scan was placed backward on an X-ray viewing box, the hospital told the state Department of Health.
The patient had bleeding on the right side of his brain, but the reversed scan made it look as if the bleeding was on the left.
After the surgeon drilled two holes in the left side of the patient's skull and found no bleeding, the procedure had to be repeated on the right side.
The patient has suffered no ill effects from the error, hospital spokeswoman Jane Bruno told The Providence Journal [other than having two extra holes in his head].
The irony is that the surgeon was not following the hospital's own safety procedures which include marking the patient's incision site with a pen.
*********
Tastes Like Chicken
DOVER, Delaware - Here's something dog-owners just don't have to worry about. When 42-year-old Ronald Huff began missing work his family asked the police to enter his apartment.
What they found was the body of Mr. Huff in the process of being eaten by his seven pet Monitor Lizards.
The smallest measured about 2 feet long, and weighed 2 lbs, and the largest was 6 feet and 25 lbs. Apparently he let them wander freely about the apartment.
John Caldwell, SPCA director of DE said the lizards were very aggressive... "Actually going toward you, mouth open."
Whether Mr. Huff's death was caused by the lizards or by natural causes is undetermined. The SPCA will try to place the lizards with zoos or educational groups, Caldwell said.
Barring that, they will be euthanized.
**********
Dogs Need Relaxation and Massages, Too
BANGKOK, THAILAND - For about $11.50, Thai residents can take their pooches for aromatherapy and massages at the new "Doggie Bag" massage parlor.
44-year-old Thanit Kittikanokun, the owner and dog lover, wanted to bless dogs with the traditional healing powers of the Thai massage.
He said, "I found out from many years of having dogs, they also love being massaged. Apart from physical massage I'm giving them voice massage also, talking to them with a soothing voice. The main thing is don't use a high-pitched voice but a normal one, so the dogs can relax."
He claims that the Thai streets are so chaotic and stressful that dogs need a special spa resort to attend and relax. These pampered pooches can receive baths, grooming and massage, aromatherapy and more.
[In Korea this is called "tenderizing."]
*********
Shopping Center Scale Calls Customer Fat Pig
CANBERRA, Australia - When Bruce Hamilton stepped on a scale at a local shopping center, he expected a normal reading of his weight. Instead, his printout said at 176 pounds, he was "a little overweight. Fat xxxx."
His wife was appalled, and they and several others complained about the abusive scale.
The machine told one woman "get off fat pig" and told another that he gained weight over the holidays.
Management wasted no time removing the scale and are investigating the manufacturer. Spokeswoman Melanie Shelton said, "The comments that the machine spat out were offensive and it was removed immediately and is being examined by the supplier."
The scale is supposed to print out everyday sayings and phrases, including "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year."
*********
Women Stiff Male Prostitutes
WALDSHUT, Germany - Europe's first-ever brothel for women has officially declared bankruptcy because customers refused to pay after receiving the services.
Police spokesman Peter-Georg Biewald explained that the brothel owner didn't request payment before the transaction, and therefore, women probably only paid what they thought the performance was worth.
According to Biewald, "If they'd operated like a normal brothel and made sure they got the money before sex, they would have been all right."
Clemens K., the 31-year-old brothel owner, was so discouraged and upset that he mugged an elderly couple with a toy gun and was arrested shortly thereafter.
Clemens opened the brothel, called "Angels", with five other male prostitutes in December in Switzerland close to the German border.
______________________________
Dear Mom,
Our Scoutmaster told us all to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her that he's OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride on one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.
Did you know that if you put a gas can on a fire, the gas can will blow up? Billy is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that with a car that old you to have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride in the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with ten people in a car.
Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.
Also, Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with the food they ate in prison.
I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.
I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets.
Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
Love,
Johnny
P. S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?
_______________________________
DDL
There was an old maid from Detriot
who loved to drink from the toilet,
for when she sat down to pee
she recycled her tea,
still too steamy and sweet to reboil it.
______________________________
Correlation.....
[a] The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
[b] On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
[c] Conclusion: Eat what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.
______________________________
Elder Ads
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, slim, 5-4 (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting,shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
_______________________________
Hey Martha (true)
Monday, December 10, 2001
Colorado man confused for deer competitor
COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. (AP) -- Robert Brooks must have felt like he was caught in a deer's headlights.
A buck, possibly mistaking Brooks for a competitor during mating season, attacked him Friday. It is the latest in a series of brushes between neighbourhood residents and deer.
Still, neighbors weren't rushing for their guns.
"You've got to respect the fact that they're a little jumpy this time of year because it's mating season," said Ray Miller, 63, who's lived here for 17 years and has grown accustomed to the deer's ways.
Brooks apparently got in the way of a delicate mating dance. Or at least he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. He was using an outside faucet at a house when the buck suddenly appeared and charged him.
A half-dozen does were in the vicinity.
At first, Brooks threw a bucket of water at the deer, but to no avail. He was able to get his hands on the antlers, but the animal pinned him against the house. Brooks escaped and ran to his car, but the deer chased him and pushed him against his vehicle.
Brooks escaped and was treated at a hospital for puncture wounds and sore ribs.