Daily Dose - 020407 - JUSTICE, WAYS TO GET RID OF PHONE SOLICITORS, I Love Her, But..., joys of sex, DDL, Hey Martha
JUSTICE
After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington. "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face.
Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" and Patrick punches Osama on the nose.
James Madison comes up next, and says, "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" as he drops a large weight on Osama's knee.
Osama is subjected to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.
As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, "This is not what I was promised!"
An angel replies, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"
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WAYS TO GET RID OF PHONE SOLICITORS
Bizarre things to say and do to a telephone solicitor to get him to hang up and leave you alone:
*"So, what are you wearing?"
* Talk very quietly and then without warning, scream as loud as you can into the phone.
* "You'll have to excuse me now, my armpit is on fire."
* "I'm sorry, but this phone is for personal calls only. The boss won't let us use it for business."
* Respond to their questions with fax/modem noises.
* "Have you heard about that study showing that it can cause impotence to sit all day with a telephone receiver next to your head?"
* When they ask to speak with you, say "Just a moment," and give the phone to your six-year old child to carry on the conversation.
* Pretend to be very interested in their product and then quite calmly and earnestly inquire, "Yes, but can it make a six minute casserole?"
* "I am truly sorry but the moon is in the seventh house of Pluto and my astrologer would just die if he knew I was talking to a salesman during this solar phase."
* "This isn't a recording. This isn't a recording. This isn't a recording. This isn't a recording."
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I Love Her, But...
(A collection of men's thoughts on their women.)
... she has an uncanny way of standing between me and the television screen. Bases loaded, two strikes, three balls. The crowd goes wild, the pitch flies, and all I can see is her butt.
--Howard, Dodge City, Kan.
... she was furious when I got up early once and made her breakfast. Called me controlling. How dare I decide that she would eat breakfast,let alone what she'd have?
--Ted, Wexford, Pa.
... what's mine is hers. I buy her negligees; she sleeps in my T-shirts. When she's cold she wears my wool socks to bed, never her own. She steals my half-used razors; new ones are too sharp. She even wears my boxers. I'm tempted to switch to briefs just to see what she'd do.
--Dave, Martha's Vineyard, Mass.
... she makes lists; Things to buy, things to do, people to call. If it's not on the list, it doesn't get done. Once, to be funny, I put "sex" on the list. Mistake. Now it has to be on the list, or it doesn't get done.
--Nick, Wheeling, W.Va.
... you can hear her eat soup from the next room.
--Bruce, Bridgewater, N.J.
... when she gets an idea in her head, there's no stopping her. And no rest for anyone until it's done. It's not so bad when the idea is to bake cookies, or even to go on vacation. But when it's to build a new house, or to get pregnant, things get pretty intense.
--Jim, Minneapolis
... my wife thinks everyone should be a vegetarian. During meals, she asks people how they can eat dead cows, or if they know that their pork chops used to be smarter than their dogs.
--Miles, Shreveport, La.
... every so often boom! Shes a brunette. Or I come home to a redhead. Actually, I have no idea what her natural color is.
--Cary, Seattle
... she'll brush her teeth but she won't go to the dentist. She says she's not afraid of the pain; she just doesn't want to put herself in the hands of any fellow who'd choose to be a dentist.
--Terence, Gary, Ind.
... Shes stopped shaving her legs. She says that now people will know she's a natural blonde.
--Ned, Tucson, Ariz.
... she takes her half of the bed out of the middle.
-Robin, Gladwyne, Pa.
... have you ever seen a woman with green crust and slime smeared over her face, dark holes for her nostrils? Do you think you'd be able to sleep at night, knowing that creature is next to you?
--Arthur, Cedar City, Utah
... my wife's allergic to everything. Her nose is chronically stuffed. If I kissed her on the mouth, she'd suffocate.
--Bryan, Toledo, Ohio
... after sex, I mean the second after, she continues where she left off. Her eyes open and before you can breathe, you hear, " ... and, oh, yeah, I have to defrost the chicken, and your mother wants you to pick up her dry cleaning..."
--Jimmy, Fort Lauderdale, Fla.
... in bed I'm her high school teacher, captain of the football team, her boss, the bad boy, a waiter, a lifeguard, a telephone repairman, a cop. Once in a while I'd like to be me.
--Neil, Orlando, Fla.
... she wears these false eyelashes. She left 'em lying around and I slammed 'em with my newspaper, tried to kill the damn things. Scared me half to death.
--Gordon, Oklahoma City, Okla.
... she takes those soaps too seriously. I'll come home and find her in tears because some character died. Or upset that some nonexistent guy's having a fictional affair.
--Archie, St. Louis
... she will not shop at discount stores or sales. She thinks they're crowded and plebeian. She doesn't even look at the reduced rack, other than, perhaps, for gifts for my mother.
--Conrad, Wilmington, Del.
... it annoys her that our children look like me.
--James, New Orleans
... counting my wife and our teenage girls, that's four women. Somebody's always got PMS.
--Everett, Little Rock, Ark.
... with five kids, I don't have time to complain about my wife. I don't have time to notice her.
--Bob, Charleston, W.Va.
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Uncle Bob wanted to introduce his sixteen-year-old nephew to the joys of sex and to make sure his first experience with a woman would be a memorable one. So they worked out a plan. The nephew would find a nice-looking prostitute and bring her back to Uncle Bob's apartment. Meanwhile Uncle Bob would hide in the wardrobe and if the nephew had a problem he would say it aloud and Uncle Bob would give the answer in a whisper from the wardrobe.
Well the nephew found a beautiful blonde hooker and brought her home to the apartment where Uncle Bob was already hiding in the wardrobe. But while the young man was in the bathroom, the lady had an attack of diarrhea. Too embarrassed to go running into the bathroom, she dumped beside the bed. The young man came back into the darkened room and when he reached the bed he stepped in something and yelled: "Hey, there's a load of shit in here!"
Then a loud whisper came from the wardrobe: "Turn her over, boy, turn her over!"
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DDL
The replies to Kim's ad were not funny.
She would not have some fag for her honey!
But she targeted them
With "GWM",
Believing it meant "guy with money".
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Did you ever notice when you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?
***
"History doesn't repeat itself--Historians merely repeat each other." -Unknown
***
"Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire." -Dan Zevin
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Hey Martha (true)
Monday, September 03, 2001
America's dumbest criminal
BALTIMORE (AP) -- A man who applied for a job as a police officer suddenly found himself on the wrong side of the law.
When asked on the job application if he had ever committed a crime, Edwin V. Gaynor checked the box marked yes. When questioned, he told officers he had carjacked a woman and robbed five people in Texas, police Maj. George Klein said. He was promptly arrested, Klein said.
"I've never seen anything like this," Klein said. "I guess something spooked him and he wanted to clear his conscience."
Gaynor, 21, gave police detailed descriptions of the crimes Thursday, including the fact that he wore a green-and-white bandanna and used a chrome-plated handgun.
Police in Killeen, Texas, confirmed that the woman who was carjacked reported the carjacker had the two items.
Gaynor's house, his mother's house and a storage facility were searched after his arrest. The bandanna and chrome-plated handgun were found along with several other weapons.
Gaynor was charged with carjacking, but has not been charged with robbery pending further investigation by Killeen police, Klein said.