Daily Dose - 020402 - delicious leopard, Rotten News, right woman, DDL, Hey Martha

A wild dog is running through the jungle. While wandering about he notices a leopard heading in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep trouble now."

Then he sees some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, he goes chasing after the leopard.

But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet.

And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!"

___________________________

Rotten News... (true)

Man Sues Over Laxative-Laced Brownies

Co-Worker Seeks Unspecified Damages For Pain, Embarrassment

Posted: 9:38 a.m. EST January 29, 2002

EBENSBURG, Penn. -- A Pennsylvania man who allegedly laced brownies with laxatives is being sued by a co-worker who ate them.

John Anthony Senior of Johnstown suffered nausea, diarrhea, cramps and dehydration which required medical attention.

He's seeking unspecified damages from Raymond Jastrzab for the pain and embarrassment he suffered.

Jastrzab was fired after the incident two years ago.

A court ruled that he was guilty of willful misconduct and denied him unemployment compensation.

The company said Jastrzab admitted baking the brownies because co-workers had been eating his bagged lunches.

But Anthony's attorney said that his client ate the brownies only after they'd been left on a table in the plant's dining room.

An unwritten plant rule held that food left out was available to anyone.

*********

Asylum seekers sew lips together

Belinda Goldsmith in Canberra

Saturday January 19, 2002

The Guardian

Nearly 60 detainees in Australia's biggest camp for illegal immigrants have sewn up their lips as a protest over delays in processing their visa applications, the government said yesterday.

The immigration department said the asylum seekers at the camp, Woomera, in the South Australian desert, began a hunger strike on Wednesday.

"They are upset at the time it is taking to process visa applications, and now 58 detainees have sewn their lips together," the department said.

"This kind of action will make no difference to the visa processing system. It will not help their applications."

Australia has one of the world's toughest regimes for dealing with illegal immigrants, automatically detaining people arriving illegally or overstaying visas in camps while cases are assessed. That process can take years with appeals.

The mandatory detention of asylum seekers, including children, and a policy of diverting to other countries boats carrying asylum seekers, have been criticised by human rights groups.

The hunger strike is the latest in a string of demonstrations and escapes at the remote camp, some 300 miles north of Adelaide.

Last month, authorities struggled to quell three nights of rioting. As many as 300 detainees went on the rampage, setting fire to buildings and throwing stones at staff. More than £700,000-worth of damage was caused and 21 staff were injured.

The immigration department said this week's protest had not turned violent.

"None of the detainees have been injured and we are closely monitoring the health and welfare of hunger strikers," the department said.

Dale West, the director of the welfare organisation Centacare, said the government had deliberately slowed the processing of visa applications since winning its third election last November - a victory aided by its hard line on illegal immigrants.

__________________________

Sitting in the bar George asked his 40-year-old buddy Johnny, "How come you aren't married?"

Johnny: "I haven't found the right woman yet."

George: "So what are you looking for?"

Johnny: "Oh she's got to be real pretty, - a good cook and house-keeper, and she's got to know how to handle money, a really nice and pleasant personality is a must - and money, she's got to have money...and a home, a nice big house, is what she has to have."

George: "A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU."

Johnny: "Oh, it's okay if she is crazy."

___________________________

DDL

Honestly it's not water I'm duckin'
While gallons of beer I may suck in
The source of my fear
Is perfectly clear
I won't drink what fish like to fuck in.

___________________________

[Strangely enough...]

It's cheaper to travel by rocket than use the London Underground, according to BBC Online, which reports that a ticket to travel between Covent Garden and Leicester Square costs 1.50 British pounds.

"Since the stops are only 300 metres apart, that works out at 8.04 pounds a mile," says the report. Amateur astronaut Dennis Tito's recent trip into space cost him 14 million pounds - but his journey worked out at 5.61 pounds per mile.

_________________________

Q: Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain?

A: Lawn Boy.

_________________________

Two sure ways to spot a REALLY sexy man:

The first is, he has bad memory.

I forgot the second.

_________________________

Hey Martha (true)

Tuesday, January 15, 2002

Idaho motorists can drive high

By DAVID KRAVETS-- Associated Press

SAN FRANCISCO (AP) -- In Idaho, you can drive high as long as you can drive straight.

Marijuana users can drive legally in the state as long as their driving isn't erratic and they can pass a field sobriety test, a federal appeals court ruled Monday. The three-judge panel of the San Francisco-based 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals wrote that while it is illegal to drive under the influence of alcohol or narcotics, Idaho law doesn't list marijuana as a narcotic.

The ruling overturned an impaired driving conviction against Matthew Patzer, 21, who was stopped for a broken tailgate light in 1998 and admitted to police he'd smoked marijuana at a party. The appeals court said Patzer could not automatically be presumed impaired; he wasn't driving erratically and passed two field sobriety tests.

"Given the distinction drawn by the statute, there is no basis to conclude that impairment may be presumed upon admission of use of a non-narcotic drug," the appeals court wrote.

Assistant U.S. Attorney Michael J. Fica in Idaho said the government may ask the court to review its decision or request that the U.S. Supreme Court hear the case.

Idaho Senate Judiciary Chairman Denton Darrington said he had assumed marijuana was a narcotic under state law, and that the statute might need to be reviewed. But he questioned whether Monday's decision would hold up on appeal.

The circuit's decision also reverses Patzer's illegal weapons convictions.

In his Chevrolet Blazer, police found four illegal homemade grenades, a sawed-off shotgun and a modified rifle with a homemade silencer. But the court said that because of his unlawful arrest, the search of his vehicle was illegal.

The case is United States v. Patzer, 00-30360.