Daily Dose - 020323 - Matterhorn, National Lampoon, toughest time of my life, DDL, Hey Martha

Hey - I'm off to Malta and Dubai for a week ! Sorry - but you'll have to wait until April Fool's day for more jokes.

For a holiday, an Irishman decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn.

He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.

Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.

"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"

"Yeah," said the Irishman. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"

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National Lampoon (satire)

Afghan Woman Finally Grows Sick of Roleplay

JALALABAD - From the moment she was married ten years ago at the age of 14, Meena Massoud has dutifully worn a Burka. She has refused to travel outside unless accompanied by her husband, Ahmed, and even then, she has trailed him by 6 paces. But ever since she came across a Frederick's of Hollywood catalog left behind by a US Marine, Meena is ready for a change.

"It's ridiculous!" snorted Meena. "I want to be a good wife, and I'm willing to do some pretty goofy things to spice up our sex life, but ten years of playing 'Ali Baba and the 40 thieves' is too much. I mean, when does something move out of the realm of "kinky fun" and become a fetish? I can tell you right now, that when I agreed to 'Burka Girl' roleplay, I never intended to be a 'lifestyler.'"

"You never can tell with women what they are willing to go for," shrugged Ahmed. "I was pleasantly surprised Meena would do the whole "Harem Dancer" routine. Sure, I would have liked a change of pace sometimes, maybe light B&D, some spanking maybe. A little oral wouldn't have hurt. But I didn't want her to think I was some kind of freak. So I just kept doing what I was doing. We were both comfortable with it. I thought she liked it. If anything, she was topping from the bottom."

"Besides, she's not the only one who has a gripe," continued Ahmed. "I grew a beard, fired my gun into the air at regular intervals, and loudly decried America whenever she was within earshot. As a result, I lived in a world without television and nearly got the crap bombed out of me. NOW she tells me she wants variety!"

"Listen, I had no idea there were so many different games we could play," explained Meena testily. "I could be a French maid or a sexy nurse, a strict English schoolmarm or a naughty Schoolgirl, a feisty cheerleader or Jane of the Jungle, who knows - maybe even a damsel in distress saved by my knight in shining armor.

But there Ahmed draws the line. "I am not going to pretend to be a Crusader!" he sputtered angrily. "That is strictly forbidden by Islam! Besides, everyone knows the Ren-Faire women are all chunky."

***********

A-Rod Wants Out of $252 Million Contract

DALLAS -- Just days after agreeing to a 10-year contract with the Texas Rangers worth $252 million, shortstop Alex Rodriguez now wants out, claiming he overlooked a clause that calls for his hair to be lit on fire between the 7th and 8th innings of all home games.

"I remember everyone was really eager to pop the champagne and celebrate, so we just kind of skimmed the thing," said Rodriguez of the contract which makes him the highest paid player in sports history. "But come on, this has to be a joke."

According to the Texas Rangers, it is not.

"Alex is the player we believe will allow this franchise to fulfill its dream of becoming a World Series champion," said team owner Tom Hicks in a press conference Tuesday. "But more than anyone, Alex knows that baseball is a business, and his hitting and fielding combined with the pyrotechnic excitement of a human skull set ablaze should put fannies in the seats."

"How is that even possible?" stated Rodriguez´ agent, Scott Boras, who immediately filed suit with the league to have the entire contract declared null and void. "I mean his head would be too scalded to even play back-to-back games, much less a double-header."

Also in contention is a confusingly worded sentence which appeared on the next to last page of the 67-page document, calling for Rodriguez to "participate in all club promotional activities including, but not limited to, ´Fuck Alex Rodriguez in the Ass with a Bat Day´ on June 22nd against the Boston Red Sox."

"It´s really quite standard in a contract of this size," explained Hicks. "We bought Alex and therefore intend to chain him to a sawhorse out in the parking lot, where fans will be allowed to have their way with him." He then suggested that people get to the stadium early to avoid any lines.

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"I had the toughest time of my life.

First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis.

Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis.

Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy.

These gaveway to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis.

I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis.

I don't know how I pulled through it.... It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had."

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AUSTRALIAN LOVE SONG...

Of course I love ya darling
your a bloody top notch bird
and when I say ur gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I dont mind a bit of flab
it means that when I'm ready
there's somethin there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I dont care
so long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms around there

No sheila who is your age
has nice round perky breasts
they just gave into gravity
but I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
that youv got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nannas grave now
the moment that we met
I thought u was as good as I
was ever gonna get

No matter wot u look like
I'll always love ya dear
now shut up while the footys on
and get me another beer!

____________________________

DDL

There once was a man named Jeff Mash,
Whose penis was plagued with a rash.
While whacking off
He gave a mighty cough,
Now his peter is lying in the trash

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A teenage boy to his father... "Here's my report card and a list I've compiled of entrepreneurs who never finished high school."
--Charles Almon in The Wall Street Journal

***

"I was a radical in the '60s, a liberal in the '70s and a conservative in the '80s. Now I just follow sports."
-Bunny Hoest

***

"Tourists, have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, 'Pay? I was hitchhiking.'"
--David Letterman

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Hey Martha (true)

Wednesday, January 16, 2002

Singapore park permits graffiti

By DEAN VISSER-- The Associated Press

SINGAPORE (AP) -- Singapore is well-known for caning graffiti vandals, but this famously tidy city-state now has a place where rogue painters can spray away.

Wild, spray-painted scrawls and vivid blobs of blue and red abstracts festoon the ramps, floor and signs at a government-run skateboarders' park in the middle of an otherwise graffiti-free city.

Singapore's caning-for-graffiti rule made world headlines in 1994 when American teen-ager Michael Fay, convicted of spray-painting cars in the island republic, was flogged despite objections from then-President Clinton.

But the National Youth Council is letting the painters do their thing at its skateboard park, a council spokeswoman said on Wednesday.

Singapore does, however, insist on limits.

"We monitor it closely. Currently we just allow healthy, creative expression to take place," said Corinne Kang, head of the council's corporate communications department.

Vulgarities are off limits, along with anything religious or remarks that "might be offensive to anybody," she said.

Officers check the graffiti daily and clean up anything deemed offensive, she added.

The park, in Singapore's ritzy Orchard Road shopping and hotel district, stands out in this sprawling city of leafy boulevards, gleaming skyscrapers and shopping malls, all with virtually no trace of the graffiti found in most of the world's modern urban centers.

Defacing public property in Singapore is punishable by a fine of about $1,000, up to three years in jail and a maximum of eight strokes of the cane, according to a government Web site.

Various other infractions, including some drug and sex crimes, can also be punished by caning.

Offenders are strapped to a wooden frame and lashed across the bare buttocks with a rattan rod.