Daily Dose - 020318 - perfect woman, Rotten News, Coupon heaven, DDL, Hey Martha

Manny was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends had already gotten married, and Manny just bounced from one relationship to the next.

Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"

"No," Manny replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"

Many weeks past before Manny and his friend got together again.

"So Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your Mother?"

Manny shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became great friends."

"Excellent!!! So,.... Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"

"I'm afraid not. My Father can't stand her!"

____________________________

Rotten News (true !)

Gem stays stubbornly stuck; suspect asks that doctors remove diamond

January 10, 2002

BY BEN SCHMITT
FREE PRESS STAFF WRITER

Randy Griffin wants to turn over the hidden treasure inside of him, only his body is not cooperating.

On Wednesday, the 35-year-old Algonac man accused of swallowing a diamond during a Dec. 29 Roseville heist urged a judge to order a medical procedure to have the 1-carat gem removed from his intestinal tract.

"I need this out of me," Griffin said, before breaking down in tears. "I'm scared. I really am. I want to hand this over more than anyone does."

Griffin, charged with felonious larceny from a person, is accused of stealing two loose diamonds from the Jewelry Exchange in Roseville and swallowing them when confronted by police. One diamond has shown up on an X-ray while the other remains unaccounted for.

Besides obvious reasons, Assistant Macomb County Prosecutor James Biernat said the case is unique because Griffin has confessed and is willing to turn over the evidence.

"He has it. It's inside of him," Biernat said. "Supposedly it's hung up in a pouch in his intestines, and it could be there a day, a week, a month or longer."

Judge Joseph Boedeker of Roseville's 39th District Court postponed a scheduled preliminary hearing Wednesday but listened to Griffin's pleas to have the diamond taken out medically.

Boedeker said he needs medical evidence that the diamond could harm Griffin before considering ordering any medical procedures. The judge said costs and liability would also be an issue.

"I was not presented any medical evidence that there was a medical necessity to have this removed," the judge said afterward. "I don't believe I can order it."

Griffin said he is concerned that the diamond could perforate his intestines or cause an infection. He said doctors told him while he was in custody at Mt. Clemens General Hospital that the diamond could be taken out with a scope, rather than surgical cutting.

"I'll pay for it," Griffin told the court. "Please send me back to the hospital."

Griffin's dilemma is surprising because the diamond should have passed by now, according to a University of Michigan associate professor of gastroenterology who is not connected to the case.

"If he had a structural abnormality in his gastrointestinal tract it could become lodged in theory," said Dr. James Scheiman. "But it's hard to believe that something of this size would not pass."

Scheiman said laxatives should have forced the diamond out by now.

If the diamond is in Griffin's large intestine, a doctor could perform a scope procedure, called colonoscopy, to find the diamond and grab it, Scheiman said.

"It really depends on if it's lodged in the small or large intestine," he said. "I think it's pretty unlikely he's going to be harmed by this, but it is theoretically possible."

Some people develop pouches in their intestines, called diverticulum, and if the diamond is lodged in such a pouch it could lead to inflammation, called diverticulitis, Scheiman said.

A preliminary hearing on the larceny charge, punishable by up to 10 years in prison, was postponed until Jan. 25. Griffin's court-appointed lawyer, Cyril Pessina, said he will try to gather more medical evidence on what should be done to recover the diamond.

"My client is not denying anything; in fact, he's cooperative," Pessina said. Pessina said he also wants to look into his client's housing conditions at the Macomb County Jail.

Griffin told the judge he is being kept away from the jail's general population.

"I don't get to flush my toilet," he said. "I've taken two showers since Dec. 29."

Macomb County Sheriff Mark Hackel said Griffin can take a shower regularly, with supervision, at his request.

********

CHEER GALS HIT NFL WITH ‘EAGLE-EYE' PEEP SUIT

By TODD VENEZIA

January 10, 2002 -- It was one of the NFL's best-kept secrets - that opposing players could get a steamy look into the Philadelphia Eagles cheerleaders' shower through tiny peepholes in the visitors locker room.

That's the claim of more than 40 former cheerleaders who filed suit yesterday in Pennsylvania against 29 NFL teams - including the Jets and Giants - claiming that players routinely violated their privacy by leering at them before and after every game.

The peeved pompom girls say the peeping portals at Veterans Stadium were a widely known pro-football secret, handed down from player to player since 1983 before being publicly revealed.

Holes allowed players and other team insiders to gape at the Eagles' cheer squad putting on and taking off their skimpy green outfits, showering and even walking around naked, the suit says.

"It really bothers me that grown men behaved this way," said Susette Walsh, a former Eagles cheer squad captain.

The suit names every NFL team except the Eagles, who never used the locker room, and the Jacksonville Jaguars. A spokesman for the Giants refused to comment, and no one at the Jets was available to comment yesterday.

The secret of the holes was first uncovered last year in a newspaper story. The holes included cracks between doors, walls and places on painted locker-room windows where the paint had chipped.

____________________________

While handing a 25 cent-off coupon to the supermarket clerk at the checkout counter, a woman inadvertently missed her hand, and the coupon slipped beneath the scale and was gone.

The checker looked distressed, so I the woman said, "That's Okay, it's in coupon heaven now."

"Coupon heaven?", the checker said.

"Yes", the woman said, "That's where coupons go when they die."

"Only the redeemed ones!", said the checker.

_____________________________

DDL

A fellow whose last name was Peel
Bought soap which he used with great zeal;
Though he scrubbed without doubt,
the soap never wore out
And he said: "I believe it's cast steel."

____________________________

"You're too good for him." -Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA.

"No wonder you always go home alone." -Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA.

***

"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
--Groucho Marx

***

"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."
-Douglas Adams

___________________________

Hey Martha (true)

Monday, December 17, 2001

British priests to be taught martial arts for self protection

LONDON (AP) -- Beneath the white collar, add a black belt: Some British priests are taking martial arts classes to protect themselves from irate parishioners and other dangers of modern life.

A group of Church of England priests is enrolling in tae kwon do classes after researchers found that members of the clergy were more likely to be attacked than probation officers or doctors.

A two-year survey of 1,300 clergy in southeast England by the University of London found that 12 percent had been assaulted, 22 percent threatened with violence and 70 percent subjected to verbal abuse.

Assailants included homeless people, psychiatric patients and parishioners angry about not getting the dates they wanted for weddings or baptisms.

The Manufacturing, Science and Finance Union, which represents hundreds of Church of England clergy, said it had arranged self-defense classes for its religious members.

"It is a sad fact of modern life that members of the clergy will come into contact with individuals who are likely to resort to violence," said the head of the union's clergy section, the Rev. Bill Ward.

"Most clergy receive no training in dealing with violent people, so we are making a start with our own self-defense classes and hope the Church of England will follow suit," he said.

Another source of violence is opposition to the growing numbers of women ordained as priests. A female vicar attacked with a broken bottle in February this year attributed her survival to self-defense training.

Organizers of the classes in tae kwon do -- a Korean martial art similar to karate -- hope they will help priests ease tense situations rather than seeking confrontation.

"They deserve to be able to carry out their work while feeling secure in their workplace from verbal and physical attack," said the union's general secretary, Roger Lyons.

Six priests have been murdered in Britain in the past five years.