Daily Dose - 020317 - anti-Semite, BIZARRE NEWS, specialists, DDL, Hey Martha
Abraham is an old Jewish guy who is a yarn merchant. He lives next door to the biggest anti-Semite in town.
One day the anti-Semite calls up Abraham and says, "Hey Jew!!!... I need a piece of orange yarn. The length must be from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and I want it delivered tomorrow."
Abe says, "OK."
The next morning the Anti-Semite is awakened at 7am by the sound of running engines. He runs outside to see a row trucks lined up one after the other, dumping truckful after truckful of orange yarn in his front yard. Soon ,his yard is a 5-feet deep sea in orange yarn. Abe then presents a bill for $18,000 to the anti-Semite.
The guy starts yelling and screaming at Abe. "What is this, Jew? This is not what I asked for! I told you I needed a piece of yarn from the end of your nose to the tip of your penis. Look at this place! What do you have to say for yourself?"
Straightfaced, Abe replies "I'm very careful when I deal with people like you, that's why I got a few witnesses here with me. I may be off by a few miles, so I gave you a 2% discount; but... the tip of my penis was left in Poland after my circumcision!"
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BIZARRE NEWS....
Bizarre Judgments
Frustrated by the routine release of women convicted of misdemeanor prostitution, one judge in San Francisco set a hooker's bail at $5 billion.
In 1981 Deuel Wilhelm Davies of Tuscaloosa, Alabama, was sentenced to 10,000 years in prison for a triple murder, one of his victims being his mother-in-law.
A man in Winthrop, Maine, divorced his wife because she "wore earplugs whenever his mother came to visit."
In 1995 Leon Taylor, convicted of murdering a man during a 1994 robbery in Kansas City, Missouri, was sentenced to death, PLUS life in prison, with an additional 315 years tacked on for good measure.
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Joint Custody Announced for Sports Car
NEW YORK - There's nothing like a limited-edition sports car to incite a heated custody battle.
A judge recently awarded joint custody of a $200,000 911 GT2 Porsche to two men who both wanted to own it.
A car salesman at Silver Star Motor Sports wanted to keep the car for himself, but a customer had already put down a $500 deposit to reserve it. Marc DiLorenzo, the customer, took the salesman to court when he refused to give up the car. In turn, the judge made DiLorenzo pay the entire amount due on the car, but the salesman still gets to drive it for the first four months.
The salesman has agreed not to drive more than 2,500 miles on the car during his months of custody. DiLorenzo wasn't completely happy with the outcome and said, "I'd rather get it sooner than later, but this way everybody's happy - or unhappy. I'm a little frustrated, but glad it all worked out."
The car has been called "the ultimate Porsche," and only 166 of this model will be sold in the United States in 2002.
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Better Late Than Never
"More than three centuries after they were accused, tried and hanged as unrepentant witches in Salem, Mass., five women have been officially cleared by the state," Massachusetts State Legislatures magazine reports.
"The act, approved by the legislature, cleared the names of Bridget Bishop, Susannah Martin, Alice Parker, Wilmot Redd and Margaret Scott." The five were among 20 men and women put to death during the witchcraft hysteria of 1692.
The state has tried to make amends before. In 1711, all the accused were exonerated and their relatives offered retribution. But not all the families came forward to accept the apology.
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If She Collects Insurance She's a Witch
They're exonerating them in Massachusetts and prosecuting them in Maryland. But this witch is up against it for insurance fraud, not necromancy.
Josephine Gray, 55, has worked her way through three husbands in 27 years. All three had been shot to death and Ms. Gray has collected substantial insurance claims for each husband.
She has been tried in the past for her lovers' violent deaths, but each time witnesses abruptly refused to co-operate, amid strange tales of incantations, potions and voodoo spells.
"I do not practice witchcraft," Ms. Gray declared. "Just because I buy lucky charms and herbs or anoint myself with olive oil."
But this time, prosecutors say they have enough evidence to show that Ms Gray was involved in the killings, which violates a Maryland law that specifically bans a person from receiving such benefits if they have caused the death of the insured.
[Well, you know, one way or another.]
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Note to Robbers: Write LEGIBLY
HALLANDALE BEACH, Florida - When a would-be bank robber approached a bank teller, he expected her to fork over all her money. Instead, she didn't even realize he was trying to rob her. She couldn't read his handwritten note demanding cash.
The teller then asked the customer what he wanted, but "He started speaking in English and Spanish, and she didn't understand. When this started a commotion, he panicked and quickly walked out of the bank and didn't get any money,"
said Police Capt. Chris Hock. The man didn't give up, though. He tried his luck at another bank, where he struck gold with a more carefully written note. This time the teller gave him the cash.
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UPS Objects to Well-Endowed Gay Doll
CALIFORNIA - A gay doll sold by BeProud.com has the United Parcel Service in an uproar.
The website's latest product, called the Billy Parcel Service doll, wears a uniform similar to that of UPS employees.
Where's the rub? UPS objects to Billy being "grotesquely" well-endowed.
UPS insists the website stop selling the doll, and they are willing to take the case to court. Audy Morgan, co-owner of the site, cites an inferiority complex as the root of the problem. "How in the world can a male having a large penis hurt anyone's reputation? It's not our fault if some people at UPS feel insufficient compared to Billy."
Morgan insists that people will not mistake the doll as an official UPS product, and Billy is sold online next to Tyson and Carlos dolls as adult novelty items.
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Classic Bizarre Moments from the Archives
A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, 14 pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
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A new medical facility with several different specialists opened in a trendy part of the city.
Wanting to be different and creative, the administration decided that each doctor's office door would, in some way, be representative of his practice.
So, when construction was complete, the eye doctor's door had a peep hole, the orthopaedist's door had a broken hinge, the psychiatrist's door was painted all kinds of crazy colors, and the proctologist's door was left open - just a crack.
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DDL
To temptation I'm quick to submit
I regret many sins, I admit
Yet this is no boast:
I regret the most
Those sins that I failed to commit!
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"The squeaky wheel doesn't always get greased; sometimes it gets replaced."
--John Peers
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I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
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"I used to be scared of dogs. Then I realized that dogs are just as scared of me as I am of them; they just show it differently. They show it by barking and snapping at me, and I show it by soiling myself."
--Dakota Shepard
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Hey Martha (true)
Tuesday, December 11, 2001
Escaped con returns to jail with beer
MONTPELIER, Vt. (AP) -- An inmate who broke out of jail to go on a beer run was caught when he tried to sneak back in, officials said.
Mark Delude, 39, was reported missing Friday night from the St. Johnsbury work camp, but troopers arrived to find him inside the fence with a 24-pack of beer and a carton of cigarettes.
He apparently crawled under the fence, walked the mile and a half to the nearest convenience store, made his purchases and returned, officials said.
The work camp is for nonviolent offenders serving short sentences, and the fence is not intended to be impenetrable, Correctional Service Director Dick Turner said.
Delude was transferred to a more secure prison. He had been serving an eight- to 30-month sentence for minor offenses, but the beer run could get him two more years behind bars.
State Police Lt. George Hacking, a 21-year police veteran, said it was the first case of its kind he'd investigated. "But nothing surprises me," he said.