Daily Dose - 020313 - Can you brew tea, BIZARRE NEWS, pregnant, DDL, Hey Martha
Another stauatory holiday on Saturday over here in Kuwait. Happy "New Hijra Year" !!! (1423 already !) Back at you on Sunday.
An Irishman living in England goes for a job on a construction site.
The foreman says, "Can you brew tea?"
The Irishman says, "Yes."
"Good. Can you drive a fork lift?"
The Irishman looks at him and says, "Why, how big is the teapot?"
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BIZARRE NEWS....
Bizarre Political Insults
"He makes George Bush seem like a personality"
- Jackie Mason on John Major.
"He is a sheep in sheep's clothing"
- Winston Churchill on Clement Attlee.
"Winston, if I were your wife, I would put poison in your coffee."
"Nancy, if I were your husband, I would drink it."
- A conversation between Nancy Astor and Winston Churchill.
"He could not see a belt without hitting below it."
- Margot Asquith on David Lloyd George.
"Richard Nixon impeached himself. He gave us Gerald Ford as his revenge."
- U.S. politician Bella Abzug on Tricky Dickie.
"Nixon's motto was, 'If two wrongs don't make a right, try three."
- U.S. writer Norman Cousins.
"Gerry Ford is so dumb that he can't fart and chew gum at the same time."
- former U.S. President Lyndon B. Johnson.
"I wouldn't say she is open-minded on the Middle East, so much as empty-headed. She probably thinks Sinai is the plural of sinus."
- Jonathan Aitken on Margaret Hatcher.
"A shiver looking for a spine to run up."
- Harold Wilson on Edward Heath.
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Motorist Shoots at Police to Get Help with Flat Tire
When a motorist's Toyota got a flat tire, he saw salvation in a passing police officer. But the officer was going by too fast, so what else could the motorist do but shoot his gun at them to attract attention?
The policemen were shaken by the gunshot as they passed the Toyota and immediately called for backup. They then confronted the 24-year-old driver. He has since been charged with attempted murder.
The motorist maintains he simply wanted help changing his tire. No news yet on why the driver had a gun to begin with.
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A Family That Gets High Together Stays Together
NEW ZEALAND - When a teacher received a package at home over the holidays, he immediately opened it without checking the address label. As illustrated in an enclosed note, the box of chocolates was intended for a previous occupant.
The note read, "I thought you'd enjoy these. I know they're your favorites!"
The teacher shared the goodies with his family and friends, and they began experiencing "weird effects" soon thereafter.
Concerned with possible tampering, they contacted the police. The police discovered that the chocolates had been laced with the drug Ecstasy.
No one was seriously injured, though, and the family will not be charged with possession.
The police had one warning comment, however. "It does serve as a reminder to treat packages from strangers with caution."
Does anyone listen to their mother anymore?
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Feuding Cat and Dog Call Police on Phone
MONTANA - When police received a call from a disabled person's home on Christmas Day, they rushed to the site to make sure the owner was in fair condition.
The owners, however, weren't even home. What police was a cat and dog fighting. They concluded that the pets must have called 911.
Police spokesperson Mike Klem Kalispell explained, "We assume the dog chased the cat, and somehow the phone got knocked over, and the speed dial called 911. We had a history from that residence for sending ambulances."
Not one to hold a grudge, Klem jokingly added that they would not be taking the animals into custody. "It's Christmas, and we don't want the animal rights activists getting all over us on that one," he said.
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New Euro Causes Spending Spree of Illegal Money
What would you do if you were told that your current stash of cash was going to be worthless in two months, but you had gotten the money "under the table?" You realize that if you turn in big amounts the banks will alert the feds.
That's what many in Europe are facing with the introduction of the Euro.
The New York Times is reporting that rather than admit they are holding the money -- since banks are required to report large deposits of currently -- many are going on a spending frenzy, hoping to trade their "secret" profits for goods of equal value.
The paper profiles a 28-year-old Spanish insurance agent with thousand of dollars he needs to unload without any noticing. It says he's been on a buying spree, purchasing expensive watches and necklaces. He says that the first day of the new year is his goal to be "completely out of the old cash."
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Reckless Raccoons Break Into Homes and Get Drunk
FORT MEYERS, Florida - Several home owners in Florida have recently been the victims of drunk raccoons on the loose.
Four households complained about raccoons breaking into their residence and eating bread and drinking beer. Marianne Kinzer said, "I'd like to teach them to do laundry."
The pesky creatures formerly lived on a 56-acre farm that is currently being constructed. Thus, they have nowhere to go.
As Kinzer said, "Ever since these animals have nowhere to go, of course, they're coming into our homes."
The neighbors are considering banning together to hire a trapper to catch the animals.
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Classic Bizarre Moments from the Archives
Pretoria, South Africa - The psychology profession was rocked after renowned marriage counselor, Dr. Cedric Wayne crossed over the edge while treating a bickering couple.
The husband, fed up with his wife's unrelenting verbal assault began slapping her.
Dr. Wayne, instead of intervening to stop the assault leapt out of his chair and charged across the room and proceeded to beat the stunned wife as well.
"She's the most annoying woman I've ever been around. No husband should be subjected to nagging like that... that woman's mouth was driving me crazy," said Dr. Wayne.
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If your wife or girlfriend is pregnant, you might want to avoid saying these:
"Sure you'll get your figure back -- we'll just search 1985 where you left it."
"How come you're so much fatter than the other chicks in Lamaze?"
"What's the big deal? If you can handle *me* going in, surely you can handle a baby coming out."
"Hey, when you're finished puking in there, get me a beer, willya?"
"Yo, Fatass! You're blocking the TV!"
"Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!"
"I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
"Damn if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
"Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
"Got milk?"
"Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
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DDL
George Carlin is really a wit,
With his seven words that give censors the fit(s)
They are shit, mother fucker,
Piss and cock sucker,
And don't forget cunt, fuck, and tit(s)
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"No man is an island, but some of us are pretty long peninsulas."
-Ashleigh Brilliant
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"In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker."
-Woody Allen
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"I have a stepladder. It's a very nice stepladder, but it's sad that I never knew my real ladder."
-Craig Charles
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Hey Martha (true)
Tuesday, December 18, 2001
Cows get cozy and comfortable
SYRACUSE, N.Y. (AP) -- Here's the ultimate in cow comfort: a bovine water bed.
Cow water beds are designed much like human water beds -- the bed surrounds the cow in cushy softness while supporting it when it lies down. The idea is based on the belief that comfortable cows produce more milk.
"The stalls with the water beds fill up faster than the other stalls," said John Marshman of Chenango County, who has installed 75 water beds in his barn. "Cows are just like everybody else. When they figure out something is more comfortable, that's where they'll go."
Doug Ford, a sales representative at Fisher Farms in Lenox, said that when a cow gets up from a water bed, another cow immediately gets in and lies down.
"Sometimes, they'll stand there waiting for a cow to leave so they can get in on the water bed," he said last week.
The water beds are made by a company called Georgia Duck and sold through Relative Products LLC in Reedsburg, Wis. They have been sold in the United States for about three years.