Daily Dose - 020312 - Wedding Nights, Rotten News, common bum, DDL, Hey Martha

Wedding Nights

A mamma's boy got married, but had no idea what to do on his wedding night.

So, he called his mom, who told him, "Put your hardest part into the area where she urinates."

Some time later, his mom got a call from the daughter-in-law.

The panic-stricken girl blurted, "Your son has stuck his head in the toilet."

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Rotten News (true !)

SATURDAY JANUARY 12 2002

Kandahar comes out of the closet

FROM TIM REID IN KANDAHAR

Our correspondent sees the gay capital of South Asia throw off strictures of the Taleban

NOW that Taleban rule is over in Mullah Omar’s former southern stronghold, it is not only televisions, kites and razors which have begun to emerge.
Visible again, too, are men with their ashna, or beloveds: young boys they have groomed for sex.

Kandahar’s Pashtuns have been notorious for their homosexuality for centuries, particularly their fondness for naive young boys. Before the Taleban arrived in 1994, the streets were filled with teenagers and their sugar daddies, flaunting their relationship.

It is called the homosexual capital of south Asia. Such is the Pashtun obsession with sodomy — locals tell you that birds fly over the city using only one wing, the other covering their posterior — that the rape of young boys by warlords was one of the key factors in Mullah Omar mobilising the Taleban.

In the summer of 1994, a few months before the Taleban took control of the city, two commanders confronted each other over a young boy whom they both wanted to sodomise.

In the ensuing fight civilians were killed. Omar’s group freed the boy and appeals began flooding in for Omar to help in other disputes.

By November, Omar and his Taleban were Kandahar’s new rulers. Despite the Taleban disdain for women, and the bizarre penchant of many for eyeliner, Omar immediately suppressed homosexuality.

Men accused of sodomy faced the punishment of having a wall toppled on to them, usually resulting in death. In February 1998 three men sentenced to death for sodomy in Kandahar were taken to the base of a huge mud and brick wall, which was pushed over by tank. Two of them died, but one managed to survive.

“In the days of the Mujahidin, there were men with their ashna everywhere, at every corner, in shops, on the streets, in hotels: it was completely open, a part of life,” said Torjan, 38, one of the soldiers loyal to Kandahar’s new governor, Gul Agha Sherzai.

“But in the later Mujahidin years, more and more soldiers would take boys by force, and keep them for as long as they wished. But when the Taleban came, they were very strict about the ban. Of course, it still happened — the Taleban could not enter every house — but one could not see it.”

But for the first time since the Taleban fled, in the past three days, one can see the pairs returning: usually a heavily bearded man, seated next to, or walking with, a clean-shaven, fresh faced youth. There appears to be no shame or furtiveness about them, although when approached, they refuse to talk to a western journalist.

“They are just emerging again,” Torjan said. “The fighters too now have the boys in their barracks. This was brought to the attention of Gul Agha, who ordered the boys to be expelled, but it continues. The boys live with the fighters very openly. In a short time, and certainly within a year, it will be like pre-Taleban: they will be everywhere.”

This Pashtun tradition is even reflected in Pashtun poetry, odes written to the beauty and complexion of an ashna, but it is usually a terrible fate for the boys concerned. It is practised at all levels of Pashtun society, but for the poorer men, having an ashna can raise his status.

“When a man sees a boy he likes — the age they like is 15 or 16 — they will approach him in the street and start talking to him, offering him tea,” said Muhammad Shah, a shop owner. “Sometimes they go looking in the football stadium, or in the cinema (which has yet to reopen).

“He then starts to give him presents, hashish, or a watch, a ring, or even a motorbike. One of the most valued presents is a fighting pigeon, which can be worth up to $400 (£277). These boys are nearly always innocent, but such is the poverty here, they cannot refuse.”

Once the boy falls into the man’s clutches — nearly always men with a wife and family — he is marked for life, although the Kandaharis accept these relationships as part of their culture.

When driven around, ashna sit in the front passenger seat. The back seat is simply for his friends. Even the parents of the boys know in their hearts the nature of the relationship, but will tell people that their son is working for the man. They, like everyone else, will know this is a lie. “They say birds flew with both wings with the Taleban,” Muhammad said. “But not any more.”

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Friday, 11 January, 2002, 18:49 GMT

Staff e-mailed for sperm donations

LGC regularly does work on behalf of the government

A scientific analysis company has e-mailed male employees asking them to donate samples of semen for a new DNA laboratory. The e-mail to staff at LGC Group in Teddington, south-west London, asked them to visit the toilets to produce their donation.

It said: "Sorry for the e-mail, but the Crime Scene DNA Lab needs some semen samples for making practice forensic exhibits.

"Please visit the toilets on the first floor nearest to Block 1 between 10am and 5pm. If you are able to provide a sample in one of the tubes and place this in the ice box this would be much appreciated."

Government departments regularly use LGC's services, and its analysis of animal research led to the discovery that brain tissue from cattle had been mistaken for that of sheep during the BSE crisis.

An LGC spokeswoman admitted the e-mail, which was leaked by an employee, did exist.

She said it was normal practice for the firm to ask staff for various kinds of samples to test new scientific procedures.

"We do technical DNA analysis," she said. "We have reason to call on staff sometimes to help us validate new scientific methods.

"It could be hair samples, or whatever - it's just to check the accuracy of what we are doing."

In this case, the semen samples were needed for a new forensic DNA laboratory.

Vasectomy warning

Asked if any members of staff had responded to the request, the spokeswoman said: "I haven't had any confirmation about that."

An official statement issued by the company later said it was essential all its methods were fully validated.

The company said donations are "voluntary"

It said: "LGC is a leading analytical and diagnostic company and provides, among other services, forensic science support to police forces.

"From time to time, we ask staff on a voluntary and anonymous basis to provide samples for method development purposes."

The e-mail message, sent on Thursday, warns staff not to give a sample if they have had a vasectomy.

LGC is the UK's largest independent analytical laboratory, providing chemical, biochemical and DNA testing services for scientists and industry.

In November last year the company was awarded a major government contract to carry out BSE tests on cattle for the Department for Food, and Rural Affairs.

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A robust-looking gentleman ate a fine meal at an expensive restaurant and topped it off with some Napoleon brandy, then he summoned the headwaiter. "Do you recall," he asked pleasantly, "how a year ago, I ate just such a repast here and then, because I couldn't pay for it, you had me thrown into the gutter like a common bum?"

"I'm very sorry sir." began the contrite headwaiter.

"Oh, it's quite all right." said the guest, "but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again..."

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DDL

Said Einstein "I have an equation
that science might call 'Rabellaisian'.
Let 'p' be virginity
approaching infinity.
Let 'u' be a constant 'persuasion'

Now if 'u' over 'p' be inverted
and the square root of 'u' be inserted
'x' times over 'p'
the result QED
is a relative" Einstein asserted.

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"Arnie O'Palmer, usually a great putter, seems to be having trouble with his long putt. However he has no trouble dropping his shorts."
-- Golf broadcaster on the air during a tournament

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FROM THE MOUTHS OF BABES...

Kids quotes that are a little...off track:

"God bless America, Thru the night with a light from a bulb!"

"0 Susanna, 0 don't you cry for me, For I come from Alabama with a band-aid on my knee!"

"Give us this day our deli bread! Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Whole East Coast."

"We shall come to Joyce's, bringing in the cheese."

"Yield not to Penn Station, but deliver us from evil."

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Hey Martha (true)

Thursday, December 20, 2001

Sign of God found in cabbage

SALEM, Ore. (AP) -- You never know where you'll find a sign of redemption. The Rev. Wesley Marcle found it in his dinner.

Marcle found a small gold crucifix -- believed to be the setting of a man's ring -- in the cabbage cooked by his wife earlier this week. The pastor nearly ate the piece of jewelry.

"This is something you read about in the National Enquirer or The Star," said his wife, Carol Marcle. "This doesn't happen in real life."

The crucifix apparently fell into the cabbage while it was growing on a farm in California, said Nick Secrest, produce manager at Roth's Friendly Market, where Carol Marcle bought the cabbage a couple weeks ago.

He said it was the first time he's ever heard of a foreign object being found inside some produce.

Secrest planned to contact the grower, but doubted they would be able to return the crucifix to its owner.