Daily Dose - 020309 - floppy drive, National Lampoon, tour bus, potency pills, DDL, Hey Martha

One day while returning to my desk after a routine call, one of our female employees flagged me down and asked for help.

"My floppy drive won't work, can you help me?"

I told her I'd take a look and proceeded over to her machine, where I found shredded up clear plastic Baggie-like stuff hanging out of her 3.5" floppy drive.

While I spent the next 20 minutes getting her disk out and digging out the plastic, I noticed two guys in the corner of the office trying awful hard to keep a straight face.

Suspecting some mischief, I asked her how the plastic got into the drive.

"Oh, you mean the condom!"

"Condom???"

"Yes, John & Dave over there told me to always put a condom on my disk before inserting it, to prevent catching viruses"

By this point John & Dave were roaring and it was all I could do to keep from joining them. The "condom" turned out to be a standard 3.5" plastic sleeve. I delicately explained to her that a practical joke had been played and she shouldn't do that anymore, then she asked in a dead-serious voice:

"Does that mean I don't have to stroke it ten times or blow on it either?"

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National Lampoon (satire)

Anti-Capital Punishment protester arrested for murder

TERRE HAUTE, IND -- In the midst of a death penalty protest rally, an anti-death penalty activist allegedly murdered a fellow protester near the US Penitentiary in which Timothy McVeigh was executed. According to eye witnesses, Gary Gordon, director of Stop the Killing (STK), intentionally ran his car over Dianne Seagal, a fellow member of the anti- death penalty organization. The 32 year old woman died at the scene in her father's arm (Benjamin Seagal, President of Stop the Killing). Later, Police found notes on Gordon that indicated he had planned the killing for months and charged the 48 year old activist with 1st degree murder, thus making him eligible for the Death Penalty.

Seeming almost relieved at his qualification for State Execution, Gordon said outside the courthouse: "This is a textbook example why Capital Punishment is not a deterrent. Nobody on earth could have been more aware of the death penalty than I was but yet it still didn't deter me from killing Diane! Don't you see, it just doesn't work! It just doesn't work! It just doesn't work!"

Outside the courthouse, Benjamin Seagal, still wearing the shirt stained with his daughter's blood, had a different sentiment: "Fuck this shit! I want Gary dead! He took away my daughter...I want the mother fucker dead! Do you hear me? Dead!"

Gordon was undeterred, "I loved Dianne as much as he did. I know that if she were alive today, she would have agreed with my act of defiance against a cruel government that allows this archaic form of punishment. I'm sure Ben will see it my way in a few days"

After Gordon's statement, the court ordered the activist confined to the Spry County Mental Institution for observation. Legal experts believe that Gordon's lawyer, against his client's wishes, will most likely plead insanity and will therefore not be eligible for the death penalty. "This is bullshit, I have it coming to me! I murdered somebody right. It was premeditated! I deserve to die!" said an angry and confused Gordon, while being led inside the gates of the mental hospital.

Hours later, Gordon took his own life by hanging himself with bed sheets. "He just kept mumbling: 'I must die if there is to be justice. I must die if there is to be justice'" said mental patient Ron Dillion, a witness to the suicide.

*******

Despite rising cost of living many Americans reluctant to die

WASHINGTON, D.C.-- A startling new study conducted by the Bureau of Labor Statistics indicates a majority of Americans would still prefer to continue on with their lives despite the high costs.

Of the 100,000 people polled, 89% stated that the cost of living was rising faster than their annual income. Of that number, however, an infinitesimal 0.08% cited death as a viable solution to their economic hardship.

"These numbers are unexpected. It would appear that more and more people are putting off dying until the very last minute," said Pamela Pham, Labor Statistics Bureau analyst.

But the reasons for the nation's procrastination may surprise you. As it turns out, it's not the cost of living that has people concerned, but the cost of dying. Pham continues, "Many Americans simply do not have the financial resources to die even if they wanted to. In a country as wealthy as ours, death should be made available to anyone who wants it, regardless of whether or not they can afford it. Dying isn't a privilege. It's our right."

Participants in the study cited a variety of monetary barriers they feel prevent them from succumbing to the welcome embrace of the grave. Hefty funeral expenses took the top spot for over 55% of respondents. One survey analyst explained the results as a cost/return issue: "At least with living, when you pay for something, you actually get that something in return. But with death, I mean...you're already dead. So who needs it?"

With even the most modest funerals ranging upwards of $6K, many expressed an inclination towards cheaper options: having their remains devoured by dogs or simply being abandoned by the roadside. Additionally, in an effort to meet rising demand, Ninety-nine Cent Stores, inc. recently began offering a variety of alternative post-mortem disposal solutions such as "Piranha Tank" and "Complete Cadaver Combustion."

However, death costs aren't the only thing that have people worried. 34% of those polled said they must forgo the alleged pleasures of the afterlife because mortgages, credit card payments, and other bills would undoubtedly overwhelm their survivors (8% of which cited inescapable Columbia House memberships or massive video rental late charges as primary reasons to go on living).

Wall Street analysts maintain that in the context of current market trends the prospect of dying is particularly grim. The cessation of life, analysts say, can be the death knell of earning potential. "Salary and wages lost after death are irrecoverable," says Duncan Kote, chief economist with Barney-Barnes and Barnes Financial Services. "Without a steady infusion of capital derived from employment, individual financial stability decreases markedly, particularly in a down economy."

Interestingly, only 2% of those polled expressed an unwillingness to die due to more traditional reasons (such as [the Wrath of God], or [Fear of the Unknown]).

"People aren't scared to die," says Pham, "they just can't afford to. For too many of the American people death is a luxury beyond their means, and that is a national tragedy."

*******

Translation Error leads to 'Wild Goose Chase' in Tora Bora

AFGHANISTAN - Anti-Taliban and U.S. Special Forces troops stopped scouring hundreds of mine-laden caves in the Tora Bora hills of Afghanistan after the Pentagon announced that bin Laden was actually hiding on the phonetically similar French Polynesian resort paradise, Bora Bora.

"Whenever you have information disseminated through several languages and numerous groups of people, there's always a chance a mistake can be made," explained Pentagon Spokesman, Admiral John Stufflebeam, sheepishly. "Didn't any of you ever place the game Post Office when you were children? Apparently, one of the new guys in the NSA misheard 'Tora Bora' for 'Bora Bora.' It could happen to anyone."

Admiral Stufflebeam stated that the new revelations of bin Laden's whereabouts made much more sense, especially in light of bin Laden's status as a multi-millionaire fugitive.

"Obviously, a criminal with the resources of an Osama bin Laden would prefer to hide out in place that didn't resemble the Earth's rear end like Tora Bora does. Now, from what I've read in travel pamphlets, Bora Bora has everything - beautiful skies, clear water, year-round warm temperatures. The snorkeling and scuba diving are amazing. Not to mention the island's terrific hiking and climbing. It's the jewel of the Pacific. On the other hand, Tora Bora is just sand, rocks and more rocks."

Commander Mohammed Haji Zaman, the man responsible for helping U.S. forces search for bin Laden in Afghanistan, echoed Stufflebeam's sentiments.

"The Admiral is right," he said. "It sucks very much here."

Jacques Brolliet, Minister of Tourism for French Polynesia, explained another attraction that the tropical getaway offered - privacy.

"We're quite accustomed to celebrities around here. People see Bora Bora as a kind of fantasy world where they can escape the daily travails of life. Who's the Boss star Tony Danza was here just two weeks ago. As you can tell, we are very exclusive around here, but that's what I think people appreciate about our island. I think Mr. bin Laden would find it a very comfortable and friendly place evade justice."

Admiral Stufflebeam expressed confidence that the island's exclusivity would present few problems to the full force and might of the American military.

"According to our intelligence, Bora Bora will be the easiest manhunt in history. No caves, no land mines, no guerrilla fighters -- just grass shacks and tiki torches. Bora Bora's navy consists of a few jetskis and a speed boat. Its entire airforce is one para-sail. We have more Green Berets than the island has inhabitants."

But longtime observers of the South Pacific say the Pentagon may be guilty of overconfidence. "It was a French colony, so don't be surprised if the island's resort staff can be extremely snooty," said Charles Rushfield. "God forbid one of those young GI's uses his salad fork for his main course. He'll feel a frosty reserve, I can tell you!"

The Tora Bora/Bora Bora confusion is not the first instance that language foul-ups have resulted in misguided manhunts for the U.S. military. In 1945, a grammatical snafu caused United States Marines to spend six months scouring the Pacific Northwest searching for "eagles' nests," rather than going to Adolf Hitler's fabled "Eagle's Nest" in the Austrian Alps. And many believe that Spanish/American war was caused by a superfluous tilde resulting in a ill-fated message wishing King Phillip II a "Happy New Anus" rather than a "Happy New Year."

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The tour bus traveling through northern Nevada passed briefly at the Mustang Ranch, near Sparks. The guide noted: "We are now passing the largest house of prostitution in America."

A male passenger shouted: "WHY?!?"

____________________________

Not far from me we have a friend who raises Brahma Bulls. I asked how he got them to breed so well, since he has a nice herd. He said that he gave the bulls potency pills and I asked what the pills were made of.

He said "Damned if I know, but they taste a little like a saltine."

____________________________

DDL

There once was a man from Waukeen,
Who built a jack-off machine.
But, on the 44th stroke,
The damned thing broke,
And beat his nuts into cream

In a strip-poker parlor called Dante's,
When a maiden had just lost her panties,
She blushed, glanced around,
And guess what she found?
All the male players raising their antes!

___________________________

"I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance, waiting for the bathroom."
-Bob Hope

***

"I adore adverbs; they are the only qualifications I really much respect."
-Henry James

***

"I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included."
-Bernard Manning

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Hey Martha (true)

Thursday, December 20, 2001

Losing coach finally wins

HUNTINGDON, Tenn. (AP) -- The Carroll Academy Lady Jaguars have lost every basketball game they've played this season. But they unwittingly made a winner out of their coach in the Florida lottery.

On a recent trip to Florida, coach Randy Hatch bought a Fantasy 5 lottery ticket and chose the numbers of his five starting players.

Back home in Tennessee a few days later, he checked on the Internet and found the winning numbers: 15, 22, 23, 31 and 35.

"I thought, these sure do look familiar," he said.

He booked a flight Dec. 12 to Tampa and verified that he indeed had the winning ticket -- good for $113,000. The next day, he told the team of his good fortune and announced he was treating the high school team to an NBA game in Memphis.

"It's just unbelievable," said Sandra Overman, a senior guard for the Lady Jaguars. "We brought him some luck."