Daily Dose - 020304 - Please Stop Farting, Rotten News, Churchill Downs, DDL, Hey Martha

Please Stop Farting

An old married couple is in bed one night about to fall asleep when suddenly the husband farts. His wife is disgusted and screams at him, "Don't fart!!!"

Husband says, "Shut your mouth." A few minutes later he farts again, she screams "Please stop farting!!!" Again he says, "Just shut your mouth." She is really pissed off and finally she asks him, "How come when I ask you to stop farting, you never listen, you just tell me to shut my mouth???"

"Well" says the husband, "I didn't want to have to tell you, but your breath is what really stinks."

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Rotten News (true !)

Wednesday January 16 11:05 AM ET

Shopping Center Silences Abusive Scales

CANBERRA, Australia (Reuters) - A weighing machine that told a woman ``get off fat pig'' and abused a man who had put on some weight over Christmas has been hastily removed from a busy Australian shopping center.

Management of the Greensborough Plaza in northeast Melbourne pulled the plug on the coin-operated scales after several customers complained about offensive comments on printouts detailing their weight, height and body mass.

One 176-pound man was stunned to read on his printout: ``You are a little overweight. Fat xxxx.''

Although his wife was offended, he was nonplussed.

``I was more worried about my weight than the message,'' Greensborough resident Bruce Hamilton told reporters.

The shopping center, managed by Australian property group Lend Lease Corp., removed the machine immediately.

``The comments that the machine spat out were offensive and it was removed immediately and is being examined by the supplier,'' spokeswoman Melanie Shelton told Reuters.

``A preliminary audit indicated someone had tampered with the machine and altered its usual messages such a Happy Christmas and Happy New Year.''

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Wednesday January 16 11:05 AM ET

Sex in Public Places

BERLIN (Reuters) - Norwegians have the world's strongest yearning for sex in public places, according to a survey published in Germany.

The survey by a publisher of romance novels of 6,600 people from 20 countries found Norwegians were more likely to have sex in public places than any other nationality -- 66 percent said they had had such sexual encounters.

The places where the sex took place included cars, trains, airplanes, beaches, parks, changing rooms, offices and libraries.

Australians came in second with 64 percent, Greeks were third at 60 percent, Sweden and Argentina were tied for fourth at 55 percent while Germany was fifth with 47 percent.

The survey by the Cora publishing house questioned about 400 people in each country, spokeswoman Nina Steinhart said.

At the bottom of the list was France. Only 13 percent of the French surveyed said they had had sex in public places -- even fewer than the 15 percent of Canadians and 21 percent of Americans.

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Bin laid into at Auckland bash

11 January 2002

A man who went to a fancy dress bash disguised as Osama bin Laden was badly beaten up by partygoers.
The 24-year-old, who identified himself to Truth only as Ben, needed 17 stitches to his face and upper chest after being punched and kicked by up to 20 people at the West Auckland party.

"I didn't mean to upset anyone. It was just for jokes," Ben said.

"I knew people hated him but I never expected to be beaten up over it.

"I'm not angry with those who did it because I can see where they're coming from. I'm just shocked."

Cops were called to the party by neighbours who reported a brawl.

When they arrived at the Glengarry Rd, Glen Eden, address, Ben's attackers had fled, leaving him lying in a pool of blood in the back yard.

Ben said the party, on January 2, started well. But he got more and more "hassled" as the drink flowed.

"At first they were saying things like 'President Bush is looking for you'."

"Then suddenly I'm kicked and punched to the ground and people are playing soccer with my head."

Ben said one man started assaulting him then "everyone else joined in just for the fun of beating Osama up".

"What I don't understand is there were at least two guys at the party dressed up as the Devil.

"Surely the Devil is more evil than Osama will ever be?"

Ben says he won't press charges as it may look like a victory for the real bin Laden.

One of his attackers said: "You have to be a real dick to want to look like Osama bin Laden. He got what he deserved."

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Vacationing in Kentucky, a friend and I spent the night at a small motel outside of Louisville. In the morning, I asked the woman at the desk for directions to Churchill Downs. Not able to tell us, she called her husband from the back room.

"Churchill Downs?" he asked. "That's the race-track, isn't it?" We nodded. He hesitated and then said, "I'm pretty sure it's somewhere south of the university. I'm sorry, but I don't think I can be much help."

At that point his wife left the room. The husband looked over his shoulder to make sure she had disappeared. Then he winked at us, leaned over the counter and whispered, "Take Third Street through town, go past the university and turn right on Central Avenue. After that, just look for the twin spires. You can't miss 'em!"

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DDL

A certain young chap named Bill Beebee,
Was in love with a lady named Phoebe;
'But," he said, 'I must see
What a clerical fee
Be before Phoebe be Phoebe Beebee.

With the heat of their passion quite high,
In the dark she had grabbed the K-Y,
But her burning desire,
Quickly set him on fire,
When she smeared that Ben-Gay on the guy.

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Starting Over

My son was playing the video game "Zelda" and was over half way through the game when he realized that he forgot to get something at the beginning. Rather than starting over he is going to try and finish the game hoping he won't need it.

Suddenly I realized I wouldn't have to worry about him getting a job when he finished his education. He would fit in very well at Microsoft as a program engineer.

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Have you heard there's a new soft drink on the market that contains Viagra?

No?

It's called Mount N' Do...and it's commercial theme song is: "I'd like to teach the world to schwing"!

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"When my mother makes out her income tax return every year, under occupation she writes in, 'Eroding my daughter's self-esteem.'"
-Robin Roberts

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Hey Martha (true)

Monday, December 24, 2001

Man rewarded for reading

MAKAWAO, Hawaii (AP) -- A Maui man has learned there's a lot of money in books -- or at least one book that he opened at the Makawao Library.

Paul Gebauer found $68,000 worth of U.S. Savings Bonds in an envelope tucked in the pages of "From Third World to First, the Singapore Story: 1965-2000."

Gebauer says he thought about keeping the bonds, but honesty got the better of him.

"I knew it would be the wrong thing to do. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night," he said.

So he called the owner of the bonds, who turned out to be an elderly woman in Haiku. She hadn't realized they were missing, he said.

Gebauer then contacted police Officer Kris Dixon, who arranged a meeting for the return of the bonds.

Gebauer received a $100 reward.