Daily Dose - 020303 - flight to Vegas, BIZARRE NEWS, alone in the elevator, swallowed a penny, DDL, Hey Martha
On the way back to Ohio as I was sitting in the Phoenix airport, they announced that the flight to Vegas was full. The airline were looking for volunteers to give up their seats.
In exchange, they'd give you a $100 voucher for your next flight and a first class seat in the plane leaving an hour later. About eight people ran up to the counter to take advantage of the offer.
About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat down grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter said, "If there is anyone else OTHER than the flight crew who'd like to volunteer, please step forward . . . "
________________________________
BIZARRE NEWS....
Bizarre Books
1. Mated With A Clown; 1884
2. Our Lady of the Potatoes; 1995
3. The Joy of the Upright Man; 1619
4. My Invisible Friend Explains the Bible; 1971
5. Follow Your Broken Nose; 1950
6. The Great Pantyhose Crafts Book; 1982
7. Pernicious Pork; or, Astounding Revelations of the Evil Effects of Eating Swine Flesh; 1903
8. Thirty-six Reasons for Believing in Everlasting Punishment; 1887
9. 1587. A Year of No Importance; n.p.
10. Life and Laughter 'midst the Cannibals; 1926
*********
Peace and Goodwill Gone to Hell
SOUTH WALES - Supermarkets can be vicious hunting grounds during the holidays as two women learned first hand in South Wales.
Two shoppers spotted the perfect frozen turkey, and not wanting to disappoint their families, they wrestled over who saw the bird first. One woman allegedly hit the other over the head with the turkey after the other said, "I hope you burn it on Christmas Day."
Insults were further exchanged in the parking lot. A store guard said that one woman returned to the store, crying and missing patches of hair.
Inspector Phil Williams said, "An alleged assault took place. Whatever happened to peace and goodwill at Christmas?"
*********
Beer Lures Man From Christmas Retreat
LONDON - Last week we told you about a British man who went underground behind blast-proof doors and thick concrete to avoid the stress of a family Christmas. 30-year-old Colin Wood paid $430 for a two-week stay in the bunker, but the first week was too much for him.
It wasn't the quiet or the solitude that brought the scrooge back to the surface a week early. What he really wanted was a beer.
"It was great," he said, "but I was dying for a pint and the idea of a spending another week was too much."
He said he took such extreme action because he abhorred Christmas and all its trimmings.
**********
Homework Punishment Drove Student Mad
HONG KONG, China - Detention, clapping erasers, and writing on the chalkboard are all common punishments for not doing one's homework. Not in this case.
When a former student, identified only as Mr. T, neglected to do his homework and showed up late for class, his teacher demanded he complete his homework outside his office for nine consecutive days.
The punishment reportedly drove Mr. T crazy. He claims to have begun to hear voices and thought he was the devil at one point.
Now 23, the student is suing the teacher and college. Judge Muttrie ruled in favor of the student and surmised that the teacher should have been concerned for Mr. T when he became withdrawn.
The judge said, "The punishment caused Mr. T, who was previously normal, to become a schizophrenic."
The court officially stated the teacher and college did not properly care for the student.
***********
Man Rewarded for Turning in $68,000 Found in a Book
HAWAII - Paul Gebauer was in for a surprise when he opened the book he recently checked out from Makawao Library. Inside he found $68,000 worth of government bonds.
Though he temporarily considered keeping the bonds for himself, he ultimately turned them in to the proper owner.
Gebauer said, "I knew it would be the wrong thing to do. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night."
He managed to locate the owner, an elderly woman who didn't even realize the bonds were missing. Police arranged to have the bonds delivered, and Gebauer received a $100 reward.
Chalk one up for humanity.
*********
Classic Bizarre Moments from the Archives
Police in Hialeah, Florida are looking for a smooth-talker who, claiming to be a bra and girdle salesman, convinced three different women to take off all their clothes so he could fit them with free underwear.
__________________________
I was alone in the elevator when a voice came on the intercom and asked if any lights on the control panel were lit. The elevator's computer was having problems, the voice explained.
As I was replying, a man stepped in and I could see from the expression on his face that he thought I was talking to myself. I told him that I was speaking to the intercom, but, to my dismay, the device remained silent. "Come on," I pleaded into the speaker. "This guy thinks I'm crazy." No response.
We reached the man's floor and he exited. But just as the door closed, a hearty laugh came over the intercom. "Did he get off?" the voice asked. "I'm sorry, but I just couldn't resist!"
[Stolen with only a little guilt from Readers Digest.]
___________________________
After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room. Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking helped. His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. Sammy was delighted.
In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it, then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Dad!"
___________________________
DDL
There once was a dentist named Stone
Who saw all his patients alone.
In a fit of depravity
He filled the wrong cavity,
And my, how his practice has grown!
When I was a boy of just ten,
I picked up some paper and pen,
And I drew you know what,
'Twas a girl with no twat,
'Cause I still hadn't seen one back then.
____________________________
Honest to God, true story here. Harvard decided to send "admission notices" to the 6000 or so students who had applied early this year.
100 of those letters were acceptance letters.
AOL blocked those acceptance letters as SPAM.
___________________________
"That's not a lie, it's a terminological inexactitude."
--Alexander Haig
***
"Things could be worse. I could be one of my creditors."
--Henny Youngman
______________________________
Hey Martha (true)
Friday, December 28, 2001
Police look for legless man who stole pants, jackets
WEST VANCOUVER, B.C. (CP) -- Police were looking for a legless man who stole $2,600 worth of clothing from a mall store then fled in his wheelchair to a getaway car.
Sgt. Bob Fontaine said Thursday that a wheelchair-bound man was seen going into the Gap in Park Royal Mall, then taking 10 pairs of pants worth $800 and six Gap leather jackets worth $1,800.
The man then wheeled away to a mid-sized grey vehicle that had a licence plate earlier reported stolen from a different vehicle in Vancouver, he said.
The man in the wheelchair was accompanied by another man, Fontaine said.
Witnesses who saw the theft alerted the store's manager, but the two left before they could be arrested, he said.
Several witnesses got a good look at the man and are confident he genuinely had no legs and was not simply faking it, Fontaine said.